Devil's Dance

Driving home from the Dr. is usually a peaceful drive home...its the drive to the Dr. that is filled with anxiety.  Today was different.  It wasn't necessarily a bad visit but I had a mental block until it was time to leave...I couldn't possibly speak in chronological order touch every point.  Ultimately it resulted in extreme frustration and anger!


I went to the car and started to cry and shake.  "What the HELL?" I yelled.  I have been doing so well lately.  It took an hour just to leave the parking lot...I had no tissues, my eyes were red, and I punched the steering wheel as others passed by...


During that time I realized that I had let so much out in such a short period of time.  After my outbursts I need that feeling of closure on the topic before moving on to the next part of the day.  Horrible thoughts began to circle my mind.  I started to sweat.  I asked myself, "How do I knock myself out for 3-5 days straight?  I don't think I want to end my life forever...maybe just for a bit..."  And so, the "dance" began.  "I could eat a bottle of xanex and I would wake up in 4-6 hours or OD...I don't think I want to OD...Do I?  I don't know.  OR I could take a bunch of benadryll with it but I would still have feelings...feelings suck today...definitely don't want that...I guess I will brain storm on what I can do to relieve this pain without cutting...


Finally I had to get a grip and grimace the 25 minute drive home.  I didn't even want to drive at all.  Reluctantly, I pulled out of the parking lot and hit the interstate...the bad thoughts began to circle at a rapid pace.  I wasn't thinking about my favorite people/animals.  I wasn't being selfish either...I just wasn't thinking.  So that was it....There is a huge truck in the lane next to me...3......2......1.....the car slowly moves to the left lane.  I slam my hand on the dashboard and brace for impact....and then.........the radio turns on LOUD.  It's my favorite song...still moving the 4-door death trap into the truck I start screaming/singing along on complete impulse...It was so strong it yanked me back into the right lane....how did I get to my exit? 

I call my BFF (That would be her foot)

and I compile a hot mess of a list of why I shouldn't have tried to make my permanent escape...I said "What was I thinking?!  I mean what about my cat, my son, my wife, you, and my dad AND NOT IN ANY PARTIULAR ORDER!  She sighs theatrically and it was exactly the reaction I wanted and the exact reaction I knew I would get...

Right now:  I'm OK I guess...I don't know...what does OK mean?

Devilish Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy