I'm going to explode.
My brain won't shut up. I hate this circle jerk from hell. It feels like I am on that spinning ride thing that you see at a carnival or some shit. Around-and-around-and-around-and......
I call him the "Xanny-Man"
The little man in my head keeps chanting Xanax, Xanax, Xanax, Xanax.......some sort of voodoo witch doctor or something. I am literally OBSESSED. I can't stop thinking about it. YES, I am thankful that I have severed all ties to Xanax, switched Dr.'s, etc. But it's not enough! I am going to throw myself on the ground like a 2 year old and start kicking and screaming. But when I scream I still hear the "Xanny-man" in my head! I smashed my TV remote control on the coffee table like 20 times before it partially fell apart. Still, the "Xanny-man" kept chanting. Turned up music as high as it would go...I could still hear that fucker!
It would be so easy.
I fantasize about switching Dr.'s and getting Xanax again. It would be so easy. AND THEN I would prop my feet up, tilt my head back, and pop them in my mouth like M&M's. Yummy Yummy Yummy. Then I will sing like a bird and flip flop around the house until I pass out for 14 hours in a Xanax induced stupor. Yum!
I had no idea.
I had no idea that the craving for Xanax would surpass every other craving I have ever had. I had no idea that the spasms in my neck and esophagus would consume my self esteem. I had no idea that I would twitch and blink like a crack head.
I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!
I am petrified to leave the house. I don't want anyone to judge me, or stare at me because I would probably rip off my sleeve and chisel my wrists off in the middle of a public place. This level of paranoia is almost deafening....
I always thought that addiction would be one thing I wouldn't have to worry about....I thought wrong.
Truthaboutcrazy
No comments:
Post a Comment