I'm going to explode.
My brain won't shut up. I hate this circle jerk from hell. It feels like I am on that spinning ride thing that you see at a carnival or some shit. Around-and-around-and-around-and......
I call him the "Xanny-Man"
The little man in my head keeps chanting Xanax, Xanax, Xanax, Xanax.......some sort of voodoo witch doctor or something. I am literally OBSESSED. I can't stop thinking about it. YES, I am thankful that I have severed all ties to Xanax, switched Dr.'s, etc. But it's not enough! I am going to throw myself on the ground like a 2 year old and start kicking and screaming. But when I scream I still hear the "Xanny-man" in my head! I smashed my TV remote control on the coffee table like 20 times before it partially fell apart. Still, the "Xanny-man" kept chanting. Turned up music as high as it would go...I could still hear that fucker!
It would be so easy.
I fantasize about switching Dr.'s and getting Xanax again. It would be so easy. AND THEN I would prop my feet up, tilt my head back, and pop them in my mouth like M&M's. Yummy Yummy Yummy. Then I will sing like a bird and flip flop around the house until I pass out for 14 hours in a Xanax induced stupor. Yum!
I had no idea.
I had no idea that the craving for Xanax would surpass every other craving I have ever had. I had no idea that the spasms in my neck and esophagus would consume my self esteem. I had no idea that I would twitch and blink like a crack head.
I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!
I am petrified to leave the house. I don't want anyone to judge me, or stare at me because I would probably rip off my sleeve and chisel my wrists off in the middle of a public place. This level of paranoia is almost deafening....
I always thought that addiction would be one thing I wouldn't have to worry about....I thought wrong.
Truthaboutcrazy
Showing posts with label xanax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label xanax. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I'm a Judgemental Bitch
Hey! I haven't been blogging the past few weeks because I have developed a video blog project for YouTube. But, I cannot live without typing out my thoughts instead of just blabbing to a web cam. It's nice to have options...
Soo...let's get down to dishing the dirt in the land of crazy. Sometimes I think craziness follows me. Well, that and my poor or impulsive decisions. The following story I wouldn't call a poor decision. I much rather choose to call this an "impulsive" decision. For those of you all who have not seen the vlog or have not been on twitter, I went to detox from benzos (xanax) last week. Just looking over the time I spent writing about xanax, the poems, talking about it, etc. finally made me ask the question, "Who am I without the xanax?" I take a bunch of other shit now, anyway and my Dr. is weaning me off of them so technically I needed to do this. She suggested that I did it at home the slower way instead of doing it in a quick five days. But, I am impatient and I always try to speed things up.
After carefully researching and going through my selection process I found a facility that would concentrate on my psychiatric needs while I detoxed from benzos the HEALTHY way. What happened next couldn't possibly been made up by the best comedians on the planet....
I entered with a suitcase and a pillow. Immediately I was approached with a stack of bullshit paperwork because that is exactly what crazy people on drugs want to do when they are about to detox. It took a motherfucking 7 hours to get through all of the tests, examinations, and verbal abuse by a bunch of self absorbed case workers and IGNORANT nurses!
Intake:
My first impression:
The Icing on the Cake:
He told me I shouldn't leave but he couldn't keep me. "You should stay. You can't just go cold turkey." I said I agreed that cold turkey causes horrible side effects, listed them, and then said that I had 125 benzos at home (that were about to be flushed down the toilet if detox was successful) and I will wean myself off slowly without a fucking horse tranquilizer or whatever they gave me that DID NOT WORK.
"How are you going to do that? You will just take them all and OD when you leave."
"NO. LH dispenses 3 a day and then will do 2 a day and then 1 a day until they are gone in about 6 weeks."
"Can she be trusted?" he said.
"FUCK YOU. She worked in a mental health facility in the middle of the desert for 5 years before coming to Nashville. She did intake for Schizophrenia patients that stopped taking their meds and began self medicating." "Do you know what that is like dip shit?" He did not like being called dip shit but I did not like having my integrity questioned.
I'm a judgemental bitch again because after meeting everyone at the facility I realized that the most knowledgeable person on mental health and drug related issues lived in the SAME HOUSE that I lived in.
I love that woman. I drag her through the mud with my ridiculous delusions and antics and she still stands up for me. I called her, she called a babysitter, she was there 1hr later to "rescue me" from that hell hole or, should I say, IGNORANCE. She questioned me a bit on the way home, dealt with my withdrawals by pulling over when I needed to get sick, etc. until we got home and then snapped a benzo in half. She tossed it in my mouth and grunted, "Drink. I'm tired, dammit."
We went to bed. I am so dramatic but I learned a valuable lesson. YOU CAN'T cut corners and try to detox off of something your Dr. gave you 6 weeks to do at home. I thought I had no self control to do this. I just wanted it to be OVER!!!!
As it stands, I am down to 2.5 mg per day. I am no longer taking them for anxiety and panic but for withdrawal purposes only. I am doing well. I do flip out if I sleep too long and wake up in a cold sweat with tremors. I slept in yesterday and was very ill but I worked through it. I am not going to lie. I am so scared that I am going to have a panic attack and no benzos to get me through it. BUTTTT I hate to admit it. I haven't cut since that crazy detox day and I have only had 2 panic attacks. I have more energy and the wife says that she can "see the life in my eyes again." So, that's amazing!! Now if only we can get the random crying, anger management, delusions, and self hatred under control! ::Sigh:: I know, kids. ONE THING AT A TIME.
WATCH MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL "THE TRUTH ABOUT CRAZY"
Judgementally Yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Soo...let's get down to dishing the dirt in the land of crazy. Sometimes I think craziness follows me. Well, that and my poor or impulsive decisions. The following story I wouldn't call a poor decision. I much rather choose to call this an "impulsive" decision. For those of you all who have not seen the vlog or have not been on twitter, I went to detox from benzos (xanax) last week. Just looking over the time I spent writing about xanax, the poems, talking about it, etc. finally made me ask the question, "Who am I without the xanax?" I take a bunch of other shit now, anyway and my Dr. is weaning me off of them so technically I needed to do this. She suggested that I did it at home the slower way instead of doing it in a quick five days. But, I am impatient and I always try to speed things up.
After carefully researching and going through my selection process I found a facility that would concentrate on my psychiatric needs while I detoxed from benzos the HEALTHY way. What happened next couldn't possibly been made up by the best comedians on the planet....
I entered with a suitcase and a pillow. Immediately I was approached with a stack of bullshit paperwork because that is exactly what crazy people on drugs want to do when they are about to detox. It took a motherfucking 7 hours to get through all of the tests, examinations, and verbal abuse by a bunch of self absorbed case workers and IGNORANT nurses!
Intake:
- filled out paperwork until I thought my hand was going to fall off. This was to be expected I was aware that intake was not a walk in the park
- Getting yelled at by a nurse because she didn't know what "co-occurring illness" meant. (even though it was on the brochure.
- When I told her I had Borderline Personality Disorder she said, "Well who am I talking to now?" and shook her head at me...I realized she didn't know what that meant either and that she thought I had multiple personality disorder.
- Advised the nurse the DSM-IV description of BPD and she actually told me I didn't know what I was talking about!
My first impression:
- I couldn't help but to have an internal meltdown when my designated nurse told me she had just gotten out of prison "6 weeks ago." I guess I am a judgemental bitch because I became extremely paranoid.
- I met the other women. 50% prostitutes and 50% permanently damaged from EXTREME drug use. They were as nice as they could be, I suppose, but I guess that's what makes me a judgemental bitch again. I couldn't fathom walking the streets for drug money. (we are talking low class hookers folks...not escorts...lol).
- My understanding was that we would not chat about drugs the whole time because that makes the clock tick slower. I was incorrect because even the 4 nurses were talking about the "fun" times and such.
- I was asked if I had kids. I said yes. This old lady told me, "You'll be back here again and one day the state is going to take away your child for being fucked up. Trust me!" If she didn't look so stupid and if I were in public I would have punched her in the fucking kidney. So instead I bit my tongue off (sarcastic smile).
- My body began to go into withdrawal and I started twitching and getting faint. My arms started to tingle and it felt like there were "bugs in my brain."
- I was given a tranquilizer, a plastic pillow, 4 other mystery pills, and told to go lay down until 6 a.m. (bullshit)
- We went outside to a smoking area that looked more like a cage. Completely visible to the street. Although I had quit for the most part I shoved a ciggie in my face so damn fast.
- One of the girls starts making a bird noise, "CA CAW, CA CAW" like a fucking crow.
- I turn and look and there is a drug deal going on in the parking lot. She was trying to "score" thru the chain link fence. (I bolted inside).
- After that wonderful experience we sat at a table and chatted. Everyone "started to feel the meds" kicking in. I looked confused.
- Staring at all of the zombies, I feel nothing. The zombies asked, "Do you feel it??...pretty good huh?"
- I felt nothing except that the tingling and twitching stopped..."You don't feel drowsy?" This seemed to confuse the Zombies. I was confused too.
- Someone actually said, "She must be a hardcore junkie."
- I laughed inside my head. I am a hardcore cheeseball, spaz, and silly chatterbox, but I am so stupid when it comes to drugs. I just wanted to make an attempt to get better.
- Lastly, I "went to bed."
The Icing on the Cake:
- Trembling, I finally fell asleep only to be woken up 45 minutes later to the bitch nurse yelling at me. Apparently I forgot to sign one piece of paper or some shit.
- My "roommate" dropped her dentures on the floor and started shouting. She located the dentures and fell back asleep. She had sleep apnea. I thought she was dying with every breath she took.
- Again, me the judgemental bitch, I am sickened by the denture incident and she begins shouting (she thought she was being robbed in her sleep) and I vomit in the trash can.
- I leave the room and start pounding some water. One of the nurses yells, "Get back in bed! How are you awake and functioning?" I replied, "I dunno," like some dumb idiot.
- Nurse "Bitch" whispered to Nurse "former prisoner" that she needs to be careful around me. "Thats that girl we are going to end up sending to the psych ward because she has that split-personality condition thing."
He told me I shouldn't leave but he couldn't keep me. "You should stay. You can't just go cold turkey." I said I agreed that cold turkey causes horrible side effects, listed them, and then said that I had 125 benzos at home (that were about to be flushed down the toilet if detox was successful) and I will wean myself off slowly without a fucking horse tranquilizer or whatever they gave me that DID NOT WORK.
"How are you going to do that? You will just take them all and OD when you leave."
"NO. LH dispenses 3 a day and then will do 2 a day and then 1 a day until they are gone in about 6 weeks."
"Can she be trusted?" he said.
"FUCK YOU. She worked in a mental health facility in the middle of the desert for 5 years before coming to Nashville. She did intake for Schizophrenia patients that stopped taking their meds and began self medicating." "Do you know what that is like dip shit?" He did not like being called dip shit but I did not like having my integrity questioned.
I'm a judgemental bitch again because after meeting everyone at the facility I realized that the most knowledgeable person on mental health and drug related issues lived in the SAME HOUSE that I lived in.
I love that woman. I drag her through the mud with my ridiculous delusions and antics and she still stands up for me. I called her, she called a babysitter, she was there 1hr later to "rescue me" from that hell hole or, should I say, IGNORANCE. She questioned me a bit on the way home, dealt with my withdrawals by pulling over when I needed to get sick, etc. until we got home and then snapped a benzo in half. She tossed it in my mouth and grunted, "Drink. I'm tired, dammit."
We went to bed. I am so dramatic but I learned a valuable lesson. YOU CAN'T cut corners and try to detox off of something your Dr. gave you 6 weeks to do at home. I thought I had no self control to do this. I just wanted it to be OVER!!!!
As it stands, I am down to 2.5 mg per day. I am no longer taking them for anxiety and panic but for withdrawal purposes only. I am doing well. I do flip out if I sleep too long and wake up in a cold sweat with tremors. I slept in yesterday and was very ill but I worked through it. I am not going to lie. I am so scared that I am going to have a panic attack and no benzos to get me through it. BUTTTT I hate to admit it. I haven't cut since that crazy detox day and I have only had 2 panic attacks. I have more energy and the wife says that she can "see the life in my eyes again." So, that's amazing!! Now if only we can get the random crying, anger management, delusions, and self hatred under control! ::Sigh:: I know, kids. ONE THING AT A TIME.
WATCH MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL "THE TRUTH ABOUT CRAZY"
Judgementally Yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Xanax (benzos)
I remember when one of you made it all better;
and the promises made to change my life.
I remember when my head started swimming,
And I needed you to stay alive.
I just needed one.
and now it is five.
My blood crawls with rage if I don't have you on time.
What have you done?
I didn't even want you,
I didn't want to feel this way.
What have you done?
I didn't even need you,
just wanted the hurt to go away.
I remember when I called you my savior
Now I hate every piece of you.
I remember when heartache was a daily routine;
and the day I sought after you.
What have you done?
I didn't even want you,
I didn't even want to feel this way.
What have you done?
I didn't even need you,
just wanted the hurt to go away
And so...
I needed you after all,
I didn't really want to fall.
My body craves you after all.
I didn't really want to fall.
But I needed you after all...
(Sigh....)
I remember when heartache was a daily routine;
and the day I sought after you.
and the promises made to change my life.
I remember when my head started swimming,
And I needed you to stay alive.
I just needed one.
and now it is five.
My blood crawls with rage if I don't have you on time.
What have you done?
I didn't even want you,
I didn't want to feel this way.
What have you done?
I didn't even need you,
just wanted the hurt to go away.
I remember when I called you my savior
Now I hate every piece of you.
I remember when heartache was a daily routine;
and the day I sought after you.
What have you done?
I didn't even want you,
I didn't even want to feel this way.
What have you done?
I didn't even need you,
just wanted the hurt to go away
And so...
I needed you after all,
I didn't really want to fall.
My body craves you after all.
I didn't really want to fall.
But I needed you after all...
(Sigh....)
I remember when heartache was a daily routine;
and the day I sought after you.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Identity Crisis
Those were the days....
Or was it the beginning?
We were on the way back from a 4hr trip to the Casino. It was a blast. My friends all had a bit of Casino induced mania that I would actually categorize as "almost normal." We had so much fun! Most of us actually came out on top and even paid for food and gas on the way home...
I began to realize that the simple mood stabilizer and 1-2 benzos a day were possibly not enough. The slight mania resulted in a cycle down to a super low, and if my memory serves me right, I painted a lot of my friends house immediately after the low. The abstract work has been referred to as, "a scene out of a horror movie."
Let's fast forward a few months later. The Dr. bumps me up to double the mood stabilizer (300 mg of Lamictal or Lamatrigne) and three 1mg xanax per day (one every 6-8 hrs). I started to freak out because I didn't want to climb the painful ladder of abusing medication. I attempted to take matters into my own hands and skipped doses regularly. It caused me to end up in the psych ward (see previous post for additional information).
Additional medicine was required during that visit. I had dreams of getting lost in orange pill bottles, the sound pills make in my purse. I often skipped what I think I don't need, and then Waking up in withdrawal. Vomiting was a regular occurrence due to inconsistent ingestion of meds, non-stop panic attacks. So I would try to overcompensate by taking 1/3 of my bottle 3-4 bennadryl (allergy medicine) and sleeping pills during the day...
I loved that slowed down, nodding off, head rolling, feeling (some of you may have felt this). I lost my job, didn't give a shit, and continued to consult wit my Psych. about bumping up meds or changing them up.
Due to all of the changes I ended up having SEVERAL allergic reactions and sluggish reactions. I tried to drain my blood out of all of my veins because I had a psychotic break and thought my mom poisoned me. My mom is "loony" but she wouldn't poison me. THIS situation landed me back in the "home" or shall I say Psych Ward (see previous post). That about rounds out 2010 for me.
So now....I F'ing don't get it! I worked a total of 2 months and collected 3 months of Unemployment in 2010...drained my savings but didn't do anything super dumb. 2011, so far, I have worked a total of 6 months, and now the microscope from my entire family is on me....My band that made a few bucks here and there and hit it big at the "Smokehouse" and the "Exit/Inn" However, we broke up in April due to very positive reasons. I'm not mad at them...I miss them dearly and I became extremely depressed.
Lets quickly fast forward to 2011. So I have tripled my work activity and the year is not over yet. I have loved ones breathing down my neck for my next move and a tiny amount of money. In other words, my safe and carefree lifestyle is done with (for now). If it weren't for the 3 benzos (xanax) I just took, I would be punching things and screaming (and of course unable to type).
So I have calculated something priceless: I am miserable now. I was miserable at the previous job that had an hour commute there and the same back. BUT, If I was miserable then, now, who gives a shit what job I take...I am pissed at "Corporate America," So, tomorrow, it might be a scam, but I have an interview tomorrow about 20 minutes from my house. I do not want this job, I do not like the genre, but I am going to check out the location and just go for it. I can't lose anything, I can only gain insight. The first 19 weeks are a salary, reliable check, and then there is some other structure but it will pay the bills and get my wife off my back. It may be a scam. BUT unless I start leaving my house and actually checking things out for myself, then I will never know. I am tired of people getting on my case and I am tired of Looking for an answer at the bottom of a bottle.
I'm forced into misery at home, my "friends" are dropping like flies, and I want everyone off my case. So by the end of the week, if I am not working for a boutique, restaurant, or whatever I am going to tomorrow...I am going to do something to SHUT EVERYONE UP!
THE END,
TruthAboutCrazy
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Guilty
When I was 14 I obtained my first job. My parents divorced, and we couldn't live the lifestyle we once had. I wanted to continue my passion though. Dance and Music...
Age 14: I became a dance teacher's assistant. I taught 3-5 year olds cartwheels and other cute little moves. The pay? Free dance class for my age group and two additional performances included in our recital. I also received a discount on my brother's acrobatic class by ballet dancing with girls my age that had special needs. I continued to teach until I was able to get a "job."
Root Cause: Make my parents proud of me. Help their financial situation.
Age 16: Two weeks after my birthday I immediately began to work. I got my license to drive and took a job as a hostess downtown. Fearlessly I left the suburbs almost daily, parked in a parking garage with piss in the stairway, and walked to a lovely restaurant almost nightly, left late, went to sleep and then went to school. Normal.
Root Cause: My dad helped me get my first job. Be a good girl.
Age 17 - 19: School was getting tough. I needed to switch to part-time. I became a janitor for two years and a cashier at the local market. I didn't mind a messy job. I was making more money than anyone else I went to school with.
Root Cause: Self gratification. Oh yeah, and some really good weed.
Age 20: After that I became a waitress, went to college, dropped out because I became pregnant by a convicted felon that I had no idea was a felon or that there was a warrant out for arrest. He molested me and would get high and light my underwear on fire when he was high because the crack (that my naive ass had no idea he was doing) made him paranoid. He said it was "tainted by other men."
Age 20-21: Then I had my son, went back to work 3 weeks later which is kinda against the law because you aren't supposed to work unless yo are released by a doctor. I started stocking shelves and carrying heavy crates when I wasn't healed yet. But, my son needed diapers. When I was "home" he locked me in a closet sized spare room. I breastfed my son when he was hungry and pumped extra milk for him to consume when I went to work. He only let me hold my son when I fed him. He was taken away from me when I was done. Sometimes I would lie and say he was still feeding to prolong the inevitable. When my son went to sleep, I was abused. I would take prescription pain medication to make the pain go away. I passed out and he went to buy drugs and use. It didn't take long for me to wake up and realize that I had worked my whole life and I left him and moved in with my father. He stalked me for awhile but after he beat the crap out of me I took pictures of the bruises and got a court order for him to stay the "eff" away.
Root Cause: I've always worked, therefore popping out a child that has NEEDS requires someone to pull the weight.
Age 21 - 25: I went back to online school part-time and got a decent job. I graduated in 2007 while simultaneously receiving 4 promotions at the same company. I didn't know much but I learned quickly and kicked ass at what I did. In addition, I met my "LLBFF" and my wife. Life was good and half the time I didn't even realize how good it was. My son's aunt took him every other weekend for supervised visits with his dad who was clean (for a little while). We partied, threw money down at the bar like it was toilet paper we wiped our asses with, and had killer bodies. At work, we were unstoppable. It pissed so many people off that the two smartest girls in the department were also HOT and had great personalities. We were a small close inner circle and didn't need to string people along that didn't matter. Meanwhile, my wife went from a temporary worker to an invaluable component to the business. Again, we were all LOUD, HOT, FUN, and SUCCESSFUL.
Root Cause: Validation. I finally made it? Satisfaction. We all had overcome so much.
Age 25: Diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, and Bipolar Type 2 disorder. I was manic and depressed at the same time (damn I miss mania). My disorder has evolved since then but whatever...Anyways I was still working. A member of leadership at this point. I was responsible for 18 - 22 people and myself...haha...could barely take care of myself. When I was first given Xanax, I was so manic it didn't even "work." I didn't take extra because I didn't know how "exciting" how it would be in the future. My wife was promoted again, we bought a house, my son started reading when he was 3. Life was good. House parties, shopping sprees, people were jealous of me...but secretly I was ill...
Root Cause: Everyone I know thinks I am successful. Don't "eff" this up.
Age 26: Lost my job. Lost some friends. Lost my future wife for 2 months (can't mess with fate people). Started taking Zoloft and "ripped my kin off" and then Abilify aka the devil...that didn't last long. I went on unemployment, stopped partying so much, submerged myself in my son's school work and went to "the home" twice (see previous post the breakdown, the home, and the Indian).
Root Cause: Legally Insane
Now: I don't even know. I have so many ideas that fear keeps me from executing. Aren't people with bipolar disorder supposed to be entrepreneurs? (lol)
Root Cause: It's complicated.
In closing, my relationship has completely changed dynamics. I need an additional therapist. Somehow, my wife has turned into my parent. When I was working (until yesterday) I was a failure. I was behind on the laundry, the dust began to accumulate because when I was unemployed I cleaned the house more (naturally). I didn't pay a bill or two on time...I am talking a few days off PEOPLE...she is such a perfectionist. I realize now that was one of the reasons that attracted me to her and it has become a standard that I cannot even satisfy. I am not perfection. In fact, I FIND PERFECTION IN IMPERFECTION (remember that...its kinda my famous quote and stuff). Unfortunately, I drive her crazy daily. She holds it in until finally there is a volcanic eruption. She has told me that she feels like a single parent that has to parent me and my son. What? This, I was not aware of...no offense, dear, but our son would be malnourished without you...no one can live off of ham sandwiches and hamburger helper....UGGGHHHERRREEGGGG!
However, she is my hero. If she feels like my parent it is because I placed her there. In my eyes she is on a pedestal that I cannot reach. I stretch, stand on my tippy toes, only to fall on the floor in shame. This situation is nobodies fault. This is what happens when you have two extremely ambitious and loving people that happen to express themselves in two incredibly different ways. Currently, I am jobless (again, as of yesterday). I was afraid to tell her. I was literally petrified because I knew I would feel GUILTY, SHAME, AND ANGER. Why? Why, do I feel this way. She is a good person. She is not abusive. She loves me very much. WHY do I disappoint her to the point that I feel like slitting my wrists.
When you have a mental illness, everyone else in your life has a mental illness too. A mental illness impacts every person you love. They may not understand that is why they are so angry and confused. They may not understand why they want to put their fist through a wall. But they do...they may...and they stick around because they love us. Remember, if they are frustrated, throw a fit, etc. but do not leave (permanently) it is because they love you. Just as hard as it is for us to express ourselves, for us to suffer, and for us to try not to flip out. They are suffering too. Some say a characteristic of mental illness is selfishness. It is, not on purpose, but it is, because we forget that everyone else is suffering too.
Selfconciously yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Age 14: I became a dance teacher's assistant. I taught 3-5 year olds cartwheels and other cute little moves. The pay? Free dance class for my age group and two additional performances included in our recital. I also received a discount on my brother's acrobatic class by ballet dancing with girls my age that had special needs. I continued to teach until I was able to get a "job."
Root Cause: Make my parents proud of me. Help their financial situation.
Age 16: Two weeks after my birthday I immediately began to work. I got my license to drive and took a job as a hostess downtown. Fearlessly I left the suburbs almost daily, parked in a parking garage with piss in the stairway, and walked to a lovely restaurant almost nightly, left late, went to sleep and then went to school. Normal.
Root Cause: My dad helped me get my first job. Be a good girl.
Age 17 - 19: School was getting tough. I needed to switch to part-time. I became a janitor for two years and a cashier at the local market. I didn't mind a messy job. I was making more money than anyone else I went to school with.
Root Cause: Self gratification. Oh yeah, and some really good weed.
Age 20: After that I became a waitress, went to college, dropped out because I became pregnant by a convicted felon that I had no idea was a felon or that there was a warrant out for arrest. He molested me and would get high and light my underwear on fire when he was high because the crack (that my naive ass had no idea he was doing) made him paranoid. He said it was "tainted by other men."
Age 20-21: Then I had my son, went back to work 3 weeks later which is kinda against the law because you aren't supposed to work unless yo are released by a doctor. I started stocking shelves and carrying heavy crates when I wasn't healed yet. But, my son needed diapers. When I was "home" he locked me in a closet sized spare room. I breastfed my son when he was hungry and pumped extra milk for him to consume when I went to work. He only let me hold my son when I fed him. He was taken away from me when I was done. Sometimes I would lie and say he was still feeding to prolong the inevitable. When my son went to sleep, I was abused. I would take prescription pain medication to make the pain go away. I passed out and he went to buy drugs and use. It didn't take long for me to wake up and realize that I had worked my whole life and I left him and moved in with my father. He stalked me for awhile but after he beat the crap out of me I took pictures of the bruises and got a court order for him to stay the "eff" away.
Root Cause: I've always worked, therefore popping out a child that has NEEDS requires someone to pull the weight.
Age 21 - 25: I went back to online school part-time and got a decent job. I graduated in 2007 while simultaneously receiving 4 promotions at the same company. I didn't know much but I learned quickly and kicked ass at what I did. In addition, I met my "LLBFF" and my wife. Life was good and half the time I didn't even realize how good it was. My son's aunt took him every other weekend for supervised visits with his dad who was clean (for a little while). We partied, threw money down at the bar like it was toilet paper we wiped our asses with, and had killer bodies. At work, we were unstoppable. It pissed so many people off that the two smartest girls in the department were also HOT and had great personalities. We were a small close inner circle and didn't need to string people along that didn't matter. Meanwhile, my wife went from a temporary worker to an invaluable component to the business. Again, we were all LOUD, HOT, FUN, and SUCCESSFUL.
Root Cause: Validation. I finally made it? Satisfaction. We all had overcome so much.
Age 25: Diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, and Bipolar Type 2 disorder. I was manic and depressed at the same time (damn I miss mania). My disorder has evolved since then but whatever...Anyways I was still working. A member of leadership at this point. I was responsible for 18 - 22 people and myself...haha...could barely take care of myself. When I was first given Xanax, I was so manic it didn't even "work." I didn't take extra because I didn't know how "exciting" how it would be in the future. My wife was promoted again, we bought a house, my son started reading when he was 3. Life was good. House parties, shopping sprees, people were jealous of me...but secretly I was ill...
Root Cause: Everyone I know thinks I am successful. Don't "eff" this up.
Age 26: Lost my job. Lost some friends. Lost my future wife for 2 months (can't mess with fate people). Started taking Zoloft and "ripped my kin off" and then Abilify aka the devil...that didn't last long. I went on unemployment, stopped partying so much, submerged myself in my son's school work and went to "the home" twice (see previous post the breakdown, the home, and the Indian).
Root Cause: Legally Insane
Now: I don't even know. I have so many ideas that fear keeps me from executing. Aren't people with bipolar disorder supposed to be entrepreneurs? (lol)
Root Cause: It's complicated.
In closing, my relationship has completely changed dynamics. I need an additional therapist. Somehow, my wife has turned into my parent. When I was working (until yesterday) I was a failure. I was behind on the laundry, the dust began to accumulate because when I was unemployed I cleaned the house more (naturally). I didn't pay a bill or two on time...I am talking a few days off PEOPLE...she is such a perfectionist. I realize now that was one of the reasons that attracted me to her and it has become a standard that I cannot even satisfy. I am not perfection. In fact, I FIND PERFECTION IN IMPERFECTION (remember that...its kinda my famous quote and stuff). Unfortunately, I drive her crazy daily. She holds it in until finally there is a volcanic eruption. She has told me that she feels like a single parent that has to parent me and my son. What? This, I was not aware of...no offense, dear, but our son would be malnourished without you...no one can live off of ham sandwiches and hamburger helper....UGGGHHHERRREEGGGG!
However, she is my hero. If she feels like my parent it is because I placed her there. In my eyes she is on a pedestal that I cannot reach. I stretch, stand on my tippy toes, only to fall on the floor in shame. This situation is nobodies fault. This is what happens when you have two extremely ambitious and loving people that happen to express themselves in two incredibly different ways. Currently, I am jobless (again, as of yesterday). I was afraid to tell her. I was literally petrified because I knew I would feel GUILTY, SHAME, AND ANGER. Why? Why, do I feel this way. She is a good person. She is not abusive. She loves me very much. WHY do I disappoint her to the point that I feel like slitting my wrists.
When you have a mental illness, everyone else in your life has a mental illness too. A mental illness impacts every person you love. They may not understand that is why they are so angry and confused. They may not understand why they want to put their fist through a wall. But they do...they may...and they stick around because they love us. Remember, if they are frustrated, throw a fit, etc. but do not leave (permanently) it is because they love you. Just as hard as it is for us to express ourselves, for us to suffer, and for us to try not to flip out. They are suffering too. Some say a characteristic of mental illness is selfishness. It is, not on purpose, but it is, because we forget that everyone else is suffering too.
Selfconciously yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus
I like purple. I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...
I'm in a suit. I am ready for the day. I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door. Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in. I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump. I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car! If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November? I hate the cold. Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!
(Driving and performing my exact ritual. Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)
Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all. Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.
I decide its time. Time to end it all. I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan. I open the car door and vomit. I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed.
I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!
Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies) I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater). I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot. A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!
OMG answered. I shall elaborate. As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened. I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."
GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs.
OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral. I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."
I went anyway. So weird. I just went. I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet. BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office. We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation. IT WAS AMAZING. I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.
One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life. A few reasons why:
Monday, August 8, 2011
Deep Thoughts: A Comedy
When I am driving and see a squirrel I slam on my breaks, scream, "oh lord," and check my rear view mirror for a fatality...When I see a human I think, "hmmm...what are my options."
On my way to work I enjoy my morning radio show and talking to myself...when I am at work I look at the glass window every ten minutes wondering if it is made of Pyrex or a thin sliver I can jump through.
My step-mother claims to be a woman of GOD and goes to church every weekend...My father loves me more even though I am a "Gay."
Sometimes my son is the only one that understands me...sometimes my son is the only one that will play video games with me.
I hate books because they represent a long-term commitment with their "thickness" and all...I love articles and read for hours on the Internet.
I dream of Disney World...I also dream of Arsenic.
Money = security; however, Money = evil, therefore, Money = Rotting in hell wearing designer shoes. (my personal favorite)
I like to make up songs about any words that rhyme...I like to annoy people at work, the grocery store, and family functions for the mere sake of being annoying.
I like to think demonic thoughts, fantasize about blood and guts...but I hate "horror flicks." Hmmmm...maybe it inundates my mind with fun!
Until next time my fellow demonic darlings...
Truthaboutcrazy
On my way to work I enjoy my morning radio show and talking to myself...when I am at work I look at the glass window every ten minutes wondering if it is made of Pyrex or a thin sliver I can jump through.
My step-mother claims to be a woman of GOD and goes to church every weekend...My father loves me more even though I am a "Gay."
Sometimes my son is the only one that understands me...sometimes my son is the only one that will play video games with me.
I hate books because they represent a long-term commitment with their "thickness" and all...I love articles and read for hours on the Internet.
I dream of Disney World...I also dream of Arsenic.
Money = security; however, Money = evil, therefore, Money = Rotting in hell wearing designer shoes. (my personal favorite)
I like to make up songs about any words that rhyme...I like to annoy people at work, the grocery store, and family functions for the mere sake of being annoying.
I like to think demonic thoughts, fantasize about blood and guts...but I hate "horror flicks." Hmmmm...maybe it inundates my mind with fun!
Until next time my fellow demonic darlings...
Truthaboutcrazy
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Beyond Irrational...maybe.
I think I totally figured it out and I kinda understand why people don't "off" themselves due to the following reason:
I have a beautiful child who has been exposed to my emotional trauma BUT, he has experienced heart wrenching trauma regarding his father including violence, drugs, etc. ...which is why I don't let him see him anymore.
With that said, I was never able to go through with "it" until I had a super, mega, realization. "Take him" too.
(I have to be careful on how I word this because this blog may disappear)
Anyways, what if I finally went through with it and included him on the plan. I would rot in hell (I will anyways for being gay) and he would be free from all of the pain that has been inflicted on him. Morbid, but excellent. This is freaking you out...I can feel it.
Does it cross your mind when you are driving that it will be just that easy? I know it has...don't lie.
I miss cutting...It is totally not fair that I have to pretend the urges are gone because they aren't. I am tired of people telling me they are worried about me and then saying, "I'm not a coddler." I'm not asking for that! Now give me back the sharp object please! Everyone just wants to use my son as a pawn to not hurt, be sad, etc. What does he have to do with my brain. I effing love him more than anything on this planet but there is a wall I have to climb to get to him. He knows it and I know it. He knows I am "sick" and just doesn't understand the "why" BUT he understands patience more than anyone else! Those thoughts alone make me want to give in.
Sacrificially yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
I have a beautiful child who has been exposed to my emotional trauma BUT, he has experienced heart wrenching trauma regarding his father including violence, drugs, etc. ...which is why I don't let him see him anymore.
With that said, I was never able to go through with "it" until I had a super, mega, realization. "Take him" too.
(I have to be careful on how I word this because this blog may disappear)
Anyways, what if I finally went through with it and included him on the plan. I would rot in hell (I will anyways for being gay) and he would be free from all of the pain that has been inflicted on him. Morbid, but excellent. This is freaking you out...I can feel it.
Does it cross your mind when you are driving that it will be just that easy? I know it has...don't lie.
I miss cutting...It is totally not fair that I have to pretend the urges are gone because they aren't. I am tired of people telling me they are worried about me and then saying, "I'm not a coddler." I'm not asking for that! Now give me back the sharp object please! Everyone just wants to use my son as a pawn to not hurt, be sad, etc. What does he have to do with my brain. I effing love him more than anything on this planet but there is a wall I have to climb to get to him. He knows it and I know it. He knows I am "sick" and just doesn't understand the "why" BUT he understands patience more than anyone else! Those thoughts alone make me want to give in.
Sacrificially yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Friday, July 1, 2011
Back to Work...
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Feed the sickness.
So deserving; undeserving.
Tiny voices in my head.
I try so hard to not try hard.
Feel the sickness.
So beautiful that its not wanted.
Want to hide under my bed.
I'm so strong; I'm so weak.
My "big girl" future is looking bleak.
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Familiar voices in my head.
Sooo...
How the hell are ya'll doing?
I recieve a gift. A gift of opportunity, coincidence, and discomfort all rolled into one. I am working in a very high profile office performing a very high profile job where a neat and tidy appearance, mentality, and approach is everything....everything that I "used to be."
I accepted this gift because I am working for an amazing company with the top reputation for getting people jobs. I'm a bleeding heart and so naturally I wanted to take this job. I couldn't find a job so naturally I can empathize. Of course there are major standards, corporate requirements, and I have to market myself...It's wonderful, actually, but my disorder is lurking around every corner. I only want to cry during the most inconvenient time! I want to quit at least once a day because I am overwhelmed and I feel inferior. I am working with these STRONG women with a clear vision of their lives, etc. etc.
Bottom Line: I happen to be fortunate enough to have the "potential" of being the best. This is what I have been told anyway...but when I am told something like that, my brain translates this into, "You are an idiot, go home, and never show your face in this high profile town again."
It's just too fast! I didn't even know that I would interview on Friday and start on Monday...I had no time to prioritize, no "fun money" to buy new clothes and I just somehow show up in a suit and kick ass...I don't want to kick ass because then I get all of this attention...thats the other problem...I love attention...but I don't want it. I can't stop dreaming about a car speeding down the road and hitting a wall.
I can't stop obsessing over the fact that no one is at the house now and I should be in it...I never really wanted to leave it but it's obvious that I was quickly developing agoraphobia...
I don't know how to end this blog so I'm just going to go off to bed...my head is swimming, I'm so glad Friday has arrived, and I hope I am atleast 50% awake tomorrow. I'm not asking for pity or anything...I just can't stop envisioning this puppy dropped off in a fancy neighborhood trying to find someone to love him even though he is beat up a bit and doesn't look thin, well manicured, and promising...sick part is that I grew up in that fancy town and thats where the dysfunction began...we shall see I suppose.
I need my happy place!!!!!!!!!!!
Feed the sickness.
So deserving; undeserving.
Tiny voices in my head.
I try so hard to not try hard.
Feel the sickness.
So beautiful that its not wanted.
Want to hide under my bed.
I'm so strong; I'm so weak.
My "big girl" future is looking bleak.
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Familiar voices in my head.
Sooo...
How the hell are ya'll doing?
I recieve a gift. A gift of opportunity, coincidence, and discomfort all rolled into one. I am working in a very high profile office performing a very high profile job where a neat and tidy appearance, mentality, and approach is everything....everything that I "used to be."
I accepted this gift because I am working for an amazing company with the top reputation for getting people jobs. I'm a bleeding heart and so naturally I wanted to take this job. I couldn't find a job so naturally I can empathize. Of course there are major standards, corporate requirements, and I have to market myself...It's wonderful, actually, but my disorder is lurking around every corner. I only want to cry during the most inconvenient time! I want to quit at least once a day because I am overwhelmed and I feel inferior. I am working with these STRONG women with a clear vision of their lives, etc. etc.
Bottom Line: I happen to be fortunate enough to have the "potential" of being the best. This is what I have been told anyway...but when I am told something like that, my brain translates this into, "You are an idiot, go home, and never show your face in this high profile town again."
It's just too fast! I didn't even know that I would interview on Friday and start on Monday...I had no time to prioritize, no "fun money" to buy new clothes and I just somehow show up in a suit and kick ass...I don't want to kick ass because then I get all of this attention...thats the other problem...I love attention...but I don't want it. I can't stop dreaming about a car speeding down the road and hitting a wall.
I can't stop obsessing over the fact that no one is at the house now and I should be in it...I never really wanted to leave it but it's obvious that I was quickly developing agoraphobia...
I don't know how to end this blog so I'm just going to go off to bed...my head is swimming, I'm so glad Friday has arrived, and I hope I am atleast 50% awake tomorrow. I'm not asking for pity or anything...I just can't stop envisioning this puppy dropped off in a fancy neighborhood trying to find someone to love him even though he is beat up a bit and doesn't look thin, well manicured, and promising...sick part is that I grew up in that fancy town and thats where the dysfunction began...we shall see I suppose.
I need my happy place!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Hey! Guess What?! Religion isn't a weapon you ASSHOLE!
I am so pissed off right now. This blog is going to be....I don't even know....I just know that I literally want to choke a bitch.
So...this is going to take me hours to type because I just had to take 3 Xanax to relax. Some day, I will discuss something positive but...oh, that's right...not gonna happen.
We say we are crazy, mentally ill, diseased, bipolar, depressed, etc. (If I missed your category, again, I am medicated and I don't mean to offend).
ANYWAYS, my neighbor decided to "show her ass" tonight. I get along with everyone else. But this BRAT decided she was going to be a little snot! I noticed it developing a few weeks ago but I ignored it because I genuinely care about the rest of the group (they are older than me but age is just a number so whatever).
I wanted to have a casual celebration Margarita with my friends aka neighbors. She won't stop glaring at me during the whole group conversation (about nine people) and I am thinking, "Oh, gosh, seriously not again."
Finally, I begin to chat with her hubby (no sexual attraction she is wayyyy hot and...just trust me on this one...attraction is not the issue). I say to her hubby that we need to all get together more often like we used to because I loved how we would all bring a dish, chill, grill, play games, or whatever...This bitch pounces me and goes off on how they are MARRIED now and they can't be partying all of the time because they have "couple" stuff to do and...blah blah blah...Then it takes a turn for the worst and I say, "I never wish to offend anyone. If I do, that is not my intent and I don't understand your hostility."
Someone tries to rescue this ridiculous discussion and change the subject. FAIL. She jumps on my case about throwing parties and my parenting skills...ask anyone, I am a fun mom that is still strict and has boundaries...as a result, people who don't like kids, have a blast with our kiddo.
I'm pissed. So I just flat out ask, "If it is our orientation or anything that makes you uncomfortable, I will respectfully back off, is that it?" She flips out about how she isn't the judge and "I will face the judgement of GOD one day."
I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE I AM REBELLIOUS. I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF A CHOICE.
OH AND ALERT THE PRESS!! I'M NOT GAY TO PISS OF MY NEIGHBORS YOU CUNT! I AM WITH MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE BABYSITTING AN ALCOHOLIC AND TWO ADULT CHILDREN THAT STILL LIVE WITH YOU!!!!
P.S. Don't tell me how to be a parent because your 18 year old who never has a job unless she asks to babysit my son and your 23 year old daughter lives with you and does not know SHIT about whether the sky is blue, purple or filled with flying toasters....so FUCK OFF YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH CUNT! I AM GOING TO COVER MY YARD WITH MY MASSIVE GAY FLAG AND YOU CAN LOOK OUT YOUR TACKY, UGLY WINDOW, AT MY PRIDE!
suck on this:
![]()
So...this is going to take me hours to type because I just had to take 3 Xanax to relax. Some day, I will discuss something positive but...oh, that's right...not gonna happen.
We say we are crazy, mentally ill, diseased, bipolar, depressed, etc. (If I missed your category, again, I am medicated and I don't mean to offend).
ANYWAYS, my neighbor decided to "show her ass" tonight. I get along with everyone else. But this BRAT decided she was going to be a little snot! I noticed it developing a few weeks ago but I ignored it because I genuinely care about the rest of the group (they are older than me but age is just a number so whatever).
I wanted to have a casual celebration Margarita with my friends aka neighbors. She won't stop glaring at me during the whole group conversation (about nine people) and I am thinking, "Oh, gosh, seriously not again."
Finally, I begin to chat with her hubby (no sexual attraction she is wayyyy hot and...just trust me on this one...attraction is not the issue). I say to her hubby that we need to all get together more often like we used to because I loved how we would all bring a dish, chill, grill, play games, or whatever...This bitch pounces me and goes off on how they are MARRIED now and they can't be partying all of the time because they have "couple" stuff to do and...blah blah blah...Then it takes a turn for the worst and I say, "I never wish to offend anyone. If I do, that is not my intent and I don't understand your hostility."
Someone tries to rescue this ridiculous discussion and change the subject. FAIL. She jumps on my case about throwing parties and my parenting skills...ask anyone, I am a fun mom that is still strict and has boundaries...as a result, people who don't like kids, have a blast with our kiddo.
I'm pissed. So I just flat out ask, "If it is our orientation or anything that makes you uncomfortable, I will respectfully back off, is that it?" She flips out about how she isn't the judge and "I will face the judgement of GOD one day."
I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE I AM REBELLIOUS. I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF A CHOICE.
OH AND ALERT THE PRESS!! I'M NOT GAY TO PISS OF MY NEIGHBORS YOU CUNT! I AM WITH MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE BABYSITTING AN ALCOHOLIC AND TWO ADULT CHILDREN THAT STILL LIVE WITH YOU!!!!
P.S. Don't tell me how to be a parent because your 18 year old who never has a job unless she asks to babysit my son and your 23 year old daughter lives with you and does not know SHIT about whether the sky is blue, purple or filled with flying toasters....so FUCK OFF YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH CUNT! I AM GOING TO COVER MY YARD WITH MY MASSIVE GAY FLAG AND YOU CAN LOOK OUT YOUR TACKY, UGLY WINDOW, AT MY PRIDE!
suck on this:
I would be dead without this woman. She rescued me physically and emotionally...The End.
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