I'm going to explode.
My brain won't shut up. I hate this circle jerk from hell. It feels like I am on that spinning ride thing that you see at a carnival or some shit. Around-and-around-and-around-and......
I call him the "Xanny-Man"
The little man in my head keeps chanting Xanax, Xanax, Xanax, Xanax.......some sort of voodoo witch doctor or something. I am literally OBSESSED. I can't stop thinking about it. YES, I am thankful that I have severed all ties to Xanax, switched Dr.'s, etc. But it's not enough! I am going to throw myself on the ground like a 2 year old and start kicking and screaming. But when I scream I still hear the "Xanny-man" in my head! I smashed my TV remote control on the coffee table like 20 times before it partially fell apart. Still, the "Xanny-man" kept chanting. Turned up music as high as it would go...I could still hear that fucker!
It would be so easy.
I fantasize about switching Dr.'s and getting Xanax again. It would be so easy. AND THEN I would prop my feet up, tilt my head back, and pop them in my mouth like M&M's. Yummy Yummy Yummy. Then I will sing like a bird and flip flop around the house until I pass out for 14 hours in a Xanax induced stupor. Yum!
I had no idea.
I had no idea that the craving for Xanax would surpass every other craving I have ever had. I had no idea that the spasms in my neck and esophagus would consume my self esteem. I had no idea that I would twitch and blink like a crack head.
I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!
I am petrified to leave the house. I don't want anyone to judge me, or stare at me because I would probably rip off my sleeve and chisel my wrists off in the middle of a public place. This level of paranoia is almost deafening....
I always thought that addiction would be one thing I wouldn't have to worry about....I thought wrong.
Truthaboutcrazy
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Judgement
I always wondered what made me act the way I do when interacting with others. Especially when it has to do with first impressions, or speaking with beautiful or intelligent people. People I have assumed that are better than me.
Obviously, I am very self conscious to the point were it is slightly unhealthy. The mental breakthrough I had was far more complex than just realizing how self conscious I am.
I was sitting in DBT class. DBT has developed into an important aspect of my life to the point where going isn't really an option; its more like a necessity. However, the beginning of my epiphany occurred right before class when I was in therapy (both are at the same location which I love).
We began discussing why I think that people are ALWAYS judging me. I gave an example of how irrationally paranoid I get when I am driving and someone else is in the car. I hold my breath and drive like an overly cautious 75-year old because I automatically think my driving is being judged. However, the example I provided is mild compared to the rest of what I assume other people are judging me on.
First, I was born with one dominant eye and one very weak eye. Basically I rarely use both eyes when fixated on a specific object or having a conversation with someone. Television causes my eyes to cross because the left eye basically says, "Fuck it, this is too difficult." In addition, my eyes occasionally cross especially when I am tired. It doesn't effect activities such as driving because my brain is very aware that I need to use both of them an my peripheral vision is "fine." Driving at night is a bit difficult though.
Second, when I was in High School I auditioned and made the Dance Team (not to be confused with chearleading) and we performed and basketball games and at competitions. After my freshman year I was told that I was too fat to make the team the following year so basically I was kicked off. It was basically advertised that I was a fat ass all around the school and I was a huge joke...This cross-eyed girl that was a good dancer but too fat has been banned to dance for the school team. I was horrified. I obviously would have been fine if I just didn't make it but instead I was literally told "You are too fat to be on the team next year...we want taller, slender girls with smaller breasts that don't bounce." I cried myself to sleep. I had danced my whole life. I didn't know I was considered to be a fat dancer. I weighed 140 lbs with a muscular build. I will say that my chest was "very well blessed." But at that time, I didn't want my breasts. I wanted to rip them off and throw them away.
So, if that didn't sting enough, my anorexic mother told me she wanted to take me to get a breast reduction and put me on diet pills. I did not get the reduction but I did do what my mom told me to do regarding the pills and was taking 12 pills a day (chromium, ephedrine, laxatives, and diuretics). She also told me I should eat cabbage every day and when I got the shits she let me have a potato. I did not lose that much weight. I spiraled out of control and started ordering double lunches in the cafeteria, getting fast food and getting rid of the evidence, and when I was home, I would hide in the closet and eat. I was so depressed that I started eating chocolate chips and butterscotch morsels for baking. Sometimes I even hid and ate a bag of brown sugar or candy. Basically, I became an "over eater" because my body was so confused and I was pretty fucked up in the head. Since I was dancing 2-4 hours a day and weight lifting, I only gained like 5lbs and no one knew what I was hiding and doing. The damage was done. I have had an issue with food my whole life. I can't stop at 2 cookies or 1 piece of pizza. I have to coach myself to make correct decisions and count calories otherwise, and I'm not joking, I will eat 5,000 calories per day...sometimes more.
I still fall off the wagon to this day because my brain just does not understand self control. When I stopped working last year and was so depressed I quit exercising I gained 35lbs and QUICK. I rarely got out of bed. I still have issues today with over eating but I am back to exercising 4-5 days a week. I've lost 4lbs and I don't care how long it takes to lose more, I want to make better decisions again without being obsessive. I deserve to be healthy even though those women, including my mother, fucked me up in the head about my body image.
Last, I am constantly afraid of people looking at me because I am convinced they are judging me for my crooked teeth. I still have a baby tooth and it jacked with the left side of my smile. I don't want braces though because they are expensive and I don't want them to pull the baby tooth and have a hole in my mouth until brackets can pull the permanent tooth down. I was already told it would take years. I realize that its my decision to keep what I have but I am still self conscious about it.
So, combine those three things (especially the second one) and I am convinced that every person I interact with is staring at my fat rolls, laughing at my crossed eyes, and grossed out by my teeth. I have hated myself since all of this stuff happened over the years. Miserable. Embarrassed. Just plain shitty. I literally avoid eye contact or constantly move my hair around trying to cover one eye or put my hands in front of my mouth. I look completely ridiculous and twitchy with all of this going on. Then it snowballs into being embarrassed about being embarrassed and its a vicious circle continues. I am actually annoyed by it.
So I broke it down, made a list, and then had a conversation with myself in the mirror about how I can make an effort to change each of these issues or just accept the way I was made. It's the beginning of this process, but I want to love myself again. I truly hope it comes true because for the first time since I was diagnosed I think I deserve it. Its about damn time that I broke this down and took a hard look at what causes my anxiety. I am in control of so much more than I ever thought and I must say, its a pleasant surprise.
Thanks for listening,
Truthaboutcrazy
Obviously, I am very self conscious to the point were it is slightly unhealthy. The mental breakthrough I had was far more complex than just realizing how self conscious I am.
I was sitting in DBT class. DBT has developed into an important aspect of my life to the point where going isn't really an option; its more like a necessity. However, the beginning of my epiphany occurred right before class when I was in therapy (both are at the same location which I love).
We began discussing why I think that people are ALWAYS judging me. I gave an example of how irrationally paranoid I get when I am driving and someone else is in the car. I hold my breath and drive like an overly cautious 75-year old because I automatically think my driving is being judged. However, the example I provided is mild compared to the rest of what I assume other people are judging me on.
First, I was born with one dominant eye and one very weak eye. Basically I rarely use both eyes when fixated on a specific object or having a conversation with someone. Television causes my eyes to cross because the left eye basically says, "Fuck it, this is too difficult." In addition, my eyes occasionally cross especially when I am tired. It doesn't effect activities such as driving because my brain is very aware that I need to use both of them an my peripheral vision is "fine." Driving at night is a bit difficult though.
Second, when I was in High School I auditioned and made the Dance Team (not to be confused with chearleading) and we performed and basketball games and at competitions. After my freshman year I was told that I was too fat to make the team the following year so basically I was kicked off. It was basically advertised that I was a fat ass all around the school and I was a huge joke...This cross-eyed girl that was a good dancer but too fat has been banned to dance for the school team. I was horrified. I obviously would have been fine if I just didn't make it but instead I was literally told "You are too fat to be on the team next year...we want taller, slender girls with smaller breasts that don't bounce." I cried myself to sleep. I had danced my whole life. I didn't know I was considered to be a fat dancer. I weighed 140 lbs with a muscular build. I will say that my chest was "very well blessed." But at that time, I didn't want my breasts. I wanted to rip them off and throw them away.
So, if that didn't sting enough, my anorexic mother told me she wanted to take me to get a breast reduction and put me on diet pills. I did not get the reduction but I did do what my mom told me to do regarding the pills and was taking 12 pills a day (chromium, ephedrine, laxatives, and diuretics). She also told me I should eat cabbage every day and when I got the shits she let me have a potato. I did not lose that much weight. I spiraled out of control and started ordering double lunches in the cafeteria, getting fast food and getting rid of the evidence, and when I was home, I would hide in the closet and eat. I was so depressed that I started eating chocolate chips and butterscotch morsels for baking. Sometimes I even hid and ate a bag of brown sugar or candy. Basically, I became an "over eater" because my body was so confused and I was pretty fucked up in the head. Since I was dancing 2-4 hours a day and weight lifting, I only gained like 5lbs and no one knew what I was hiding and doing. The damage was done. I have had an issue with food my whole life. I can't stop at 2 cookies or 1 piece of pizza. I have to coach myself to make correct decisions and count calories otherwise, and I'm not joking, I will eat 5,000 calories per day...sometimes more.
I still fall off the wagon to this day because my brain just does not understand self control. When I stopped working last year and was so depressed I quit exercising I gained 35lbs and QUICK. I rarely got out of bed. I still have issues today with over eating but I am back to exercising 4-5 days a week. I've lost 4lbs and I don't care how long it takes to lose more, I want to make better decisions again without being obsessive. I deserve to be healthy even though those women, including my mother, fucked me up in the head about my body image.
Last, I am constantly afraid of people looking at me because I am convinced they are judging me for my crooked teeth. I still have a baby tooth and it jacked with the left side of my smile. I don't want braces though because they are expensive and I don't want them to pull the baby tooth and have a hole in my mouth until brackets can pull the permanent tooth down. I was already told it would take years. I realize that its my decision to keep what I have but I am still self conscious about it.
So, combine those three things (especially the second one) and I am convinced that every person I interact with is staring at my fat rolls, laughing at my crossed eyes, and grossed out by my teeth. I have hated myself since all of this stuff happened over the years. Miserable. Embarrassed. Just plain shitty. I literally avoid eye contact or constantly move my hair around trying to cover one eye or put my hands in front of my mouth. I look completely ridiculous and twitchy with all of this going on. Then it snowballs into being embarrassed about being embarrassed and its a vicious circle continues. I am actually annoyed by it.
So I broke it down, made a list, and then had a conversation with myself in the mirror about how I can make an effort to change each of these issues or just accept the way I was made. It's the beginning of this process, but I want to love myself again. I truly hope it comes true because for the first time since I was diagnosed I think I deserve it. Its about damn time that I broke this down and took a hard look at what causes my anxiety. I am in control of so much more than I ever thought and I must say, its a pleasant surprise.
Thanks for listening,
Truthaboutcrazy
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