Judgement

I always wondered what made me act the way I do when interacting with others.  Especially when it has to do with first impressions, or speaking with beautiful or intelligent people.  People I have assumed that are better than me.

Obviously, I am very self conscious to the point were it is slightly unhealthy.  The mental breakthrough I had was far more complex than just realizing how self conscious I am.

I was sitting in DBT class.  DBT has developed into an important aspect of my life to the point where going isn't really an option; its more like a necessity.  However, the beginning of my epiphany occurred right before class when I was in therapy (both are at the same location which I love). 

We began discussing why I think that people are ALWAYS judging me.  I gave an example of how irrationally paranoid I get when I am driving and someone else is in the car.  I hold my breath and drive like an overly cautious 75-year old because I automatically think my driving is being judged.  However, the example I provided is mild compared to the rest of what I assume other people are judging me on. 

First, I was born with one dominant eye and one very weak eye.  Basically I rarely use both eyes when fixated on a specific object or having a conversation with someone.  Television causes my eyes to cross because the left eye basically says, "Fuck it, this is too difficult."  In addition, my eyes occasionally cross especially when I am tired.  It doesn't effect activities such as driving because my brain is very aware that I need to use both of them an my peripheral vision is "fine."  Driving at night is a bit difficult though.

Second, when I was in High School I auditioned and made the Dance Team (not to be confused with chearleading) and we performed and basketball games and at competitions.  After my freshman year I was told that I was too fat to make the team the following year so basically I was kicked off.  It was basically advertised that I was a fat ass all around the school and I was a huge joke...This cross-eyed girl that was a good dancer but too fat has been banned to dance for the school team.  I was horrified.  I obviously would have been fine if I just didn't make it but instead I was literally told "You are too fat to be on the team next year...we want taller, slender girls with smaller breasts that don't bounce."  I cried myself to sleep.  I had danced my whole life.  I didn't know I was considered to be a fat dancer.  I weighed 140 lbs with a muscular build.  I will say that my chest was "very well blessed."  But at that time, I didn't want my breasts.  I wanted to rip them off and throw them away. 

So, if that didn't sting enough, my anorexic mother told me she wanted to take me to get a breast reduction and put me on diet pills.  I did not get the reduction but I did do what my mom told me to do regarding the pills and was taking 12 pills a day (chromium, ephedrine, laxatives, and diuretics).  She also told me I should eat cabbage every day and when I got the shits she let me have a potato.  I did not lose that much weight.  I spiraled out of control and started ordering double lunches in the cafeteria, getting fast food and getting rid of the evidence, and when I was home, I would hide in the closet and eat.  I was so depressed that I started eating chocolate chips and butterscotch morsels for baking.  Sometimes I even hid and ate a bag of brown sugar or candy.  Basically, I became an "over eater" because my body was so confused and I was pretty fucked up in the head.  Since I was dancing 2-4 hours a day and weight lifting, I only gained like 5lbs and no one knew what I was hiding and doing.  The damage was done.  I have had an issue with food my whole life.  I can't stop at 2 cookies or 1 piece of pizza.  I have to coach myself to make correct decisions and count calories otherwise, and I'm not joking, I will eat 5,000 calories per day...sometimes more. 

I still fall off the wagon to this day because my brain just does not understand self control.  When I stopped working last year and was so depressed I quit exercising I gained 35lbs and QUICK.  I rarely got out of bed.  I still have issues today with over eating but I am back to exercising 4-5 days a week.  I've lost 4lbs and I don't care how long it takes to lose more, I want to make better decisions again without being obsessive.  I deserve to be healthy even though those women, including my mother, fucked me up in the head about my body image.

Last, I am constantly afraid of people looking at me because I am convinced they are judging me for my crooked teeth.  I still have a baby tooth and it jacked with the left side of my smile.  I don't want braces though because they are expensive and I don't want them to pull the baby tooth and have a hole in my mouth until brackets can pull the permanent tooth down.  I was already told it would take years.  I realize that its my decision to keep what I have but I am still self conscious about it. 

So, combine those three things (especially the second one) and I am convinced that every person I interact with is staring at my fat rolls, laughing at my crossed eyes, and grossed out by my teeth.  I have hated myself since all of this stuff happened over the years.  Miserable.  Embarrassed.  Just plain shitty.  I literally avoid eye contact or constantly move my hair around trying to cover one eye or put my hands in front of my mouth.  I look completely ridiculous and twitchy with all of this going on.  Then it snowballs into being embarrassed about being embarrassed and its a vicious circle continues.  I am actually annoyed by it. 

So I broke it down, made a list, and then had a conversation with myself in the mirror about how I can make an effort to change each of these issues or just accept the way I was made.  It's the beginning of this process, but I want to love myself again.  I truly hope it comes true because for the first time since I was diagnosed I think I deserve it.  Its about damn time that I broke this down and took a hard look at what causes my anxiety.  I am in control of so much more than I ever thought and I must say, its a pleasant surprise.

Thanks for listening,

Truthaboutcrazy

DEAR MAN

As most of you know I have embarked on a Journey called DBT aka Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.  I think it is IMPERATIVE that I share this gift with you guys because this therapy is not available in everyone's city.

DBT class can be taken by anyone but is highly recommended for those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  Per the DSM-IV us, BPD folks, have a few issues with our objectives on HOW TO GET WHAT WE WANT EFFECTIVELY AND WITHOUT THROWING A DAMN TEMPER TANTRUM...

So, before I dive in to the first of 5 important steps in the process I need to prep you guys!  There is a lot of homework and tons of acronyms that make your head spin.  This is such a gift though and even when I thought I couldn't do it, I finally put my guard down and really started to open up in last weeks session.

Ok, so the first acronym and one of the most important one's is called "DEAR MAN."

D: Describe

E: Express

A: Assert

R: Reinforce

M: Mindful

A: Appear Confident

N: Negotiate

When negotiating, or expressing yourself in the "right way" to get what you want FROM OTHERS you must...

Describe:  Describe the SITUATION (If necessary)

Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.  Stick to the facts.

Express:  Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation.

Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident.  Give a brief rationale while using phrases such as "I want" or "I don't want to" instead of "I need," "You Should," or "I can't"

For example:  Do not say "You should go wash the dishes" and instead say "I want" or "I would like for you to wash the dishes." The play on the worlds prompts a completely different response from the individual you are negotiating with.

Assert:  Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying "NO" clearly.

Remember in the DSM-IV.  BPD peeps tend to be unclear or feel extremely guilty about asking for what we want without guilt and we come off as unsure or uneducated by NOT ASSERTING.  Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask.  Assume that others cannot read your mind.  Don't expect others to know HOW HARD it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

Reinforce:  Reinforce or REWARD the person ahead of time by explaining CONSEQUENCES.

Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need.  Help the person feel goo ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want.  Reward him or her afterwards. 

Note:  Obviously don't give them presents like its christmas...verbal praise or showing genuine appreciation is fitting in this situation.

Mindful keep focused on YOUR OBJECTIVES (again, its ok to focus on your goal aka what you want)

Maintain your position.  Don't be distracted (by fear, self conciousness or an initial reaction)

• Ignore If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.  Don't respond to attacks. IGNORE DISTRACTIONS.  Just keep making your point.

Appear confindent:  Appear EFFECTIVE and COMPETENT

(Great for interviews or dealing with family members)  Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact.  No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, or saying "I'm not sure," etc.  OBVIOUSLY this one is hard and it is recommended that you practice.

Negotiate:  Be willing to GIVE to GET.  If you initially get pushback prepare a counter offer.  Example:  I would like for you to do the dishes today and I will do them tomorrow...I don't expect you to do it every day. (Just an example y'all).  Focus on what you want.

Turn the tables on the other person (not in a manipulative way) to get their take and include them in the decision making so that they feel that you did not strip them of their power.  Such as, "What do you think we should do?  I am not able to say yes in this situation so what can we do here.

(Most of this research is from The skills Training Manual for treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Lineham, 1993, The Guilford Press)

Ok, so now that we have the first acronym of many to come, REMEMBER, take the word SHOULD out of your vocabulary.  It's abrasive and combative and you will not get what you want.

SO MUCH MORE TO COME YOU GUYS.  I AM SO EXCITED AND I HOPE THIS HELPS US ON THIS JOURNEY!

DEAR MAN:  AS IF MENTAL ILLNESS WASN'T ENOUGH...NOW WE NEED TO MEMORIZE A BUNCH OF ACRONYMS...YAY...WOOO...UGH!

Respectfully Yours,

Trutaboutcrazy

You should know...

I don't think I know more than anybody else.  I understand I will learn something new about this every day.

You should know that no two mentally ill people are alike.  We can empathize with each other, support each other, and stick together; however, its truly important to understand that all of us will never consecutively have bad days and will never consecutively have good days.  Our sleep patterns won't be the same and our self destruction may have the same root cause, but we all express it in very different ways.

You gotta learn it the hard way.

I get mad.  I get jealous. and I get scared.

When the people I love do what I do to myself I literally have a nervous breakdown.  I witnessed (well kinda) a true psychotic break and OH  MY GOD, it is so different than experiencing one.  Watching from the outside is like squeezing your stomach with a metal clamp until you throw up.  I can't explain the outer body experience I had.  I was listening to my own fears coming out of someone's mouth and all I could do was cry, and yell, and almost flipped out at work. 

When you love someone that goes through what you went through, I feel as though the rage stems from wanting them to see what you saw when you snapped out of it.  The rage comes from being selfish and impatient.  The rage also comes from self hatred.  I can only imagine what my inability to empathize and stay calm when people need me would be perceived as.  I want to help and when a wall gets thrown up and I can't do what I see is help I lose it. 

Again, we can love each other, support each other, and empathize but we can't always be the best help.  Why?  Two sick people trying to help each other isn't necessarily a recipe for disaster but its definitely an uphill battle.

Peace and Patience,

Truthaboutcrazy