DEAR MAN

As most of you know I have embarked on a Journey called DBT aka Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.  I think it is IMPERATIVE that I share this gift with you guys because this therapy is not available in everyone's city.

DBT class can be taken by anyone but is highly recommended for those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  Per the DSM-IV us, BPD folks, have a few issues with our objectives on HOW TO GET WHAT WE WANT EFFECTIVELY AND WITHOUT THROWING A DAMN TEMPER TANTRUM...

So, before I dive in to the first of 5 important steps in the process I need to prep you guys!  There is a lot of homework and tons of acronyms that make your head spin.  This is such a gift though and even when I thought I couldn't do it, I finally put my guard down and really started to open up in last weeks session.

Ok, so the first acronym and one of the most important one's is called "DEAR MAN."

D: Describe

E: Express

A: Assert

R: Reinforce

M: Mindful

A: Appear Confident

N: Negotiate

When negotiating, or expressing yourself in the "right way" to get what you want FROM OTHERS you must...

Describe:  Describe the SITUATION (If necessary)

Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.  Stick to the facts.

Express:  Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation.

Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident.  Give a brief rationale while using phrases such as "I want" or "I don't want to" instead of "I need," "You Should," or "I can't"

For example:  Do not say "You should go wash the dishes" and instead say "I want" or "I would like for you to wash the dishes." The play on the worlds prompts a completely different response from the individual you are negotiating with.

Assert:  Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying "NO" clearly.

Remember in the DSM-IV.  BPD peeps tend to be unclear or feel extremely guilty about asking for what we want without guilt and we come off as unsure or uneducated by NOT ASSERTING.  Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask.  Assume that others cannot read your mind.  Don't expect others to know HOW HARD it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

Reinforce:  Reinforce or REWARD the person ahead of time by explaining CONSEQUENCES.

Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need.  Help the person feel goo ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want.  Reward him or her afterwards. 

Note:  Obviously don't give them presents like its christmas...verbal praise or showing genuine appreciation is fitting in this situation.

Mindful keep focused on YOUR OBJECTIVES (again, its ok to focus on your goal aka what you want)

Maintain your position.  Don't be distracted (by fear, self conciousness or an initial reaction)

• Ignore If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.  Don't respond to attacks. IGNORE DISTRACTIONS.  Just keep making your point.

Appear confindent:  Appear EFFECTIVE and COMPETENT

(Great for interviews or dealing with family members)  Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact.  No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, or saying "I'm not sure," etc.  OBVIOUSLY this one is hard and it is recommended that you practice.

Negotiate:  Be willing to GIVE to GET.  If you initially get pushback prepare a counter offer.  Example:  I would like for you to do the dishes today and I will do them tomorrow...I don't expect you to do it every day. (Just an example y'all).  Focus on what you want.

Turn the tables on the other person (not in a manipulative way) to get their take and include them in the decision making so that they feel that you did not strip them of their power.  Such as, "What do you think we should do?  I am not able to say yes in this situation so what can we do here.

(Most of this research is from The skills Training Manual for treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Lineham, 1993, The Guilford Press)

Ok, so now that we have the first acronym of many to come, REMEMBER, take the word SHOULD out of your vocabulary.  It's abrasive and combative and you will not get what you want.

SO MUCH MORE TO COME YOU GUYS.  I AM SO EXCITED AND I HOPE THIS HELPS US ON THIS JOURNEY!

DEAR MAN:  AS IF MENTAL ILLNESS WASN'T ENOUGH...NOW WE NEED TO MEMORIZE A BUNCH OF ACRONYMS...YAY...WOOO...UGH!

Respectfully Yours,

Trutaboutcrazy

Beautiful Scars

Beautiful Scars

(V1)
Little Heart
Don't you die
You were the only light
that kept my soul alive

Happy Tears
Why'd you fall
Now you can't feel
anything at all

(Pre-chorus)
And the people passing by say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've had everything."

(Chorus)
But a pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
You know, I thought she truly loved me,
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel
I Didn't know...
It would be so easy...
To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my face.



(V2)
Little girl
Don't you hide
Your scars are still beautiful
Even in my eyes.

Angry Tears
They never lie
There's a strength in you
It'll help you to survive

(Pre-Chorus)
Screw those people walking by that say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've been anything."

(Chorus)
But your pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
I tried to save the pieces
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel

I Didn't know it would be
so easy...

To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my...

:(Bridge):
Hanging from that pedestal
That was so high!

Used to be so strong and honest
Now you won't even try!

(Bridge 2)
Nobody's perfect...
Don't feel ashamed.

But you'll lose your loved ones...
Playin' that manipulative game.



(Repeat chorus)



Didn't want to walk away.
Didn't want to run away.

But to survive
Needed to revive
The missing smile...from...my...face...

Helpless?

First, I would like to let you all know that my next blog will have a video attachment that isn't a cute/silly slideshow.  I want to "introduce" myself to you all and reach out to as many people as possible.  The GREAT part is that I won't be reaching out because I have my shit together.  I'm a mess.  I want to just exist as someone in cyberspace with an opinion and maybe a few facts....yeah...I'll try to work in a few facts : )

So, do I feel helpless?  Today.  Yes.  But not always.  I poured my heart out on what I think would be my first VLOG and I ended up talking so long, at some point my computer was like, "Fuck Off!  I Quit!"  So, its gone and I don't remember what I have updated you guys on and what I haven't.  Total internal temper tantrum happening right now. 

But, that's not the reason why I feel hopeless.  I am going to keep this brief tonight because I will be "speaking" with you guys very soon.  I am so excited.  You will still be able to click on it right here on Blogger.

I just noticed a typo that I am going to keep on this page.  Apparently, I feel helpless and hopeless.  Mmmmm kinda.  Exactly one week ago I made a lame attempt at suicide and landed myself in a crisis center.  I had changed health coverage so I ended up in an new location that scared me and I was going to see another Dr.  Total Panic, Manic, insanity breakdown.  I must have been somewhat sane because I tried to run out of the building like a screaming banshee woman and then I turned to my 6ft tall wife and yelled, "That Bitch in the glass window probably has the ability to lock the doors by pushing a damn button!"  I started laughing and crying and said, "I'm not going to attack her (pointing at tall wife) she can outsmart me!"  I just sat down.  @mindofmedusa showed up 5 minutes later to comfort hers (me) and forced jokes and laughter upon me until it was my time to get a 2nd opinion....

I wish to speak with you directly about the rest of my damn day there so...To Be Continued (I fucking hate that term)

Ridiculously Yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

Identity Crisis

Those were the days....

Or was it the beginning?

We were on the way back from a 4hr trip to the Casino.  It was a blast.  My friends all had a bit of Casino induced mania that I would actually categorize as "almost normal."  We had so much fun!  Most of us actually came out on top and even paid for food and gas on the way home...

I began to realize that the simple mood stabilizer and 1-2 benzos a day were possibly not enough.  The slight mania resulted in a cycle down to a super low, and if my memory serves me right, I painted a lot of my friends house immediately after the low.  The abstract work has been referred to as, "a scene out of a horror movie."

Let's fast forward a few months later.  The Dr. bumps me up to double the mood stabilizer (300 mg of Lamictal or Lamatrigne) and three 1mg xanax per day (one every 6-8 hrs).  I started to freak out because I didn't want to climb the painful ladder of abusing medication.  I attempted to take matters into my own hands and skipped doses regularly.  It caused me to end up in the psych ward (see previous post for additional information).

Additional medicine was required during that visit.  I had dreams of getting lost in orange pill bottles, the sound pills make in my purse. I often skipped what I think I don't need, and then Waking up in withdrawal.  Vomiting was a regular occurrence due to inconsistent ingestion of meds, non-stop panic attacks.  So I would try to overcompensate by taking 1/3 of my bottle 3-4 bennadryl (allergy medicine) and sleeping pills during the day...

I loved that slowed down, nodding off, head rolling, feeling (some of you may have felt this).  I lost my job, didn't give a shit, and continued to consult wit my Psych. about bumping up meds or changing them up. 

Due to all of the changes I ended up having SEVERAL allergic reactions and sluggish reactions.  I tried to drain my blood out of all of my veins because I had a psychotic break and thought my mom poisoned me.  My mom is "loony" but she wouldn't poison me.  THIS situation landed me back in the "home" or shall I say Psych Ward (see previous post). That about rounds out 2010 for me.

So now....I F'ing don't get it!  I worked a total of 2 months and collected 3 months of Unemployment in 2010...drained my savings but didn't do anything super dumb.  2011, so far, I have worked a total of 6 months, and now the microscope from my entire family is on me....My band that made a few bucks here and there and hit it big at the "Smokehouse" and the "Exit/Inn" However, we broke up in April due to very positive reasons.  I'm not mad at them...I miss them dearly and I became extremely depressed.

Lets quickly fast forward to 2011.  So I have tripled my work activity and the year is not over yet.  I have loved ones breathing down my neck for my next move and a tiny amount of money.  In other words, my safe and carefree lifestyle is done with (for now).  If it weren't for the 3 benzos (xanax) I just took, I would be punching things and screaming (and of course unable to type).

So I have calculated something priceless:  I am miserable now.  I was miserable at the previous job that had an hour commute there and the same back.  BUT, If I was miserable then, now, who gives a shit what job I take...I am pissed at "Corporate America," So, tomorrow, it might be a scam, but I have an interview tomorrow about 20 minutes from my house.  I do not want this job, I do not like the genre, but I am going to check out the location and just go for it.  I can't lose anything, I can only gain insight.  The first 19 weeks are a salary, reliable check, and then there is some other structure but it will pay the bills and get my wife off my back.  It may be a scam.  BUT unless I start leaving my house and actually checking things out for myself, then I will never know.  I am tired of people getting on my case and I am tired of Looking for an answer at the bottom of a bottle. 

I'm forced into misery at home, my "friends" are dropping like flies, and I want everyone off my case.  So by the end of the week, if I am not working for a boutique, restaurant, or whatever I am going to tomorrow...I am going to do something to SHUT EVERYONE UP!

THE END,

TruthAboutCrazy

Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus

I like purple.  I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...

I'm in a suit.  I am ready for the day.  I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door.  Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in.  I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump.  I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car!  If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November?  I hate the cold.  Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!

(Driving and performing my exact ritual.  Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)

 Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all.  Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.

I decide its time.  Time to end it all.  I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan.  I open the car door and vomit.  I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed. 

I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!

Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies)  I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater).  I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot.  A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!

OMG answered.  I shall elaborate.  As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened.  I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."

GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs. 

OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:  I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral.  I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."

I went anyway.  So weird.  I just went.  I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet.  BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office.  We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation.  IT WAS AMAZING.  I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.

One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life.  A few reasons why:

Deep Thoughts: A Comedy

When I am driving and see a squirrel I slam on my breaks, scream, "oh lord," and check my rear view mirror for a fatality...When I see a human I think, "hmmm...what are my options."

On my way to work I enjoy my morning radio show and talking to myself...when I am at work I look at the glass window every ten minutes wondering if it is made of Pyrex or a thin sliver I can jump through.

My step-mother claims to be a woman of GOD and goes to church every weekend...My father loves me more even though I am a "Gay."

Sometimes my son is the only one that understands me...sometimes my son is the only one that will play video games with me.

I hate books because they represent a long-term commitment with their "thickness" and all...I love articles and read for hours on the Internet.

I dream of Disney World...I also dream of Arsenic.

Money = security; however, Money = evil, therefore, Money = Rotting in hell wearing designer shoes. (my personal favorite)

I like to make up songs about any words that rhyme...I like to annoy people at work, the grocery store, and family functions for the mere sake of being annoying.

I like to think demonic thoughts, fantasize about blood and guts...but I hate "horror flicks."  Hmmmm...maybe it inundates my mind with fun!

Until next time my fellow demonic darlings...

Truthaboutcrazy

Beyond Irrational...maybe.

I think I totally figured it out and I kinda understand why people don't "off" themselves due to the following reason:

I have a beautiful child who has been exposed to my emotional trauma BUT, he has experienced heart wrenching trauma regarding his father including violence, drugs, etc. ...which is why I don't let him see him anymore.

With that said, I was never able to go through with "it" until I had a super, mega, realization.  "Take him" too. 

(I have to be careful on how I word this because this blog may disappear)

Anyways, what if I finally went through with it and included him on the plan.  I would rot in hell (I will anyways for being gay) and he would be free from all of the pain that has been inflicted on him.  Morbid, but excellent.  This is freaking you out...I can feel it.

Does it cross your mind when you are driving that it will be just that easy?  I know it has...don't lie.

I miss cutting...It is totally not fair that I have to pretend the urges are gone because they aren't.  I am tired of people telling me they are worried about me and then saying, "I'm not a coddler."  I'm not asking for that!  Now give me back the sharp object please!  Everyone just wants to use my son as a pawn to not hurt, be sad, etc.  What does he have to do with my brain.  I effing love him more than anything on this planet but there is a wall I have to climb to get to him.  He knows it and I know it.  He knows I am "sick" and just doesn't understand the "why" BUT he understands patience more than anyone else!  Those thoughts alone make me want to give in.

Sacrificially yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

A desperate letter to my wife...

I hope you are happy because sending me over the edge worked this morning. Do you think your rude behavior towards me made the guilt go away? No, it made me puke brown sludge from my breakfast. TWICE. Do you think I wanted to lay around and sleep? Wrong. I did not stay home to sleep....


I literally layed this morning WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS stressed and SADDENNED beyond what your brain can possibly interpret. Your inability to take the hour an a half that you were at home and aware that something was very, and truly wrong, caused deeper problems than you and I CANNOT even imagine. This morning was a clear cry for help and I am disgusted by the fact that you actually held my hand and "tried" to care until YOU decided that you were infuriated. YOU made this about your own selfish thoughts instead of taking just a few moments to put yourself in my shoes. JUST A FEW MOMENTS WOULD HAVE HAD A BETTER OUTCOME.



I WILL have sick days; HOWEVER, I am extremely proud of my accomplishments. I AM EXTREMELY satisfied with my ability to OVERCOME my adversities to land this job, keep this job, and have the desire to GO BACK as soon as TOMORROW when I can make sense of the deamons that are lurking around the corner. HELL YEAH, this will happen again, my point is that I have always tried to impress you, make you and our family happy, and stop the insanity from ruining our relationship.



YOU, of all people, after all of the years of watching me cope, should understand that my life will not magically become easier overnight. YOU have watched my struggles since August of 2008 when I was first diagnosed. Yes, you gave me a second chance, but I feel as though I pay for it everyday. I have mental adversities over issues that are clearly my own deamons that develop into what is categorized as "guilt."



This is a much deeper seeded issue than you can ever imagine. If it wasn't for my image issues, I would be slittling my wrists, throat, stomach, between my toes, and the back of my legs every single day. Cutting, is not an act for attention, pity, or any other self absorbed categorization. Cutting is a charactoristic of my illness. No two mental illnesses are exactly the same. They are like fingerprints. I continuosly try to let you into the world of my addiction to mutilate. My terrible panic attacks and overcoming what developed into agoraphobic tendencies cause issues to do a task at work, it actually takes me twice as long because of all of the editing, second guessing, checking, re-checking, etc. Am I going to impress the intelligent individuals that I work with? Am I going to embarass myself? A lot of these issues many healthy people deal with AND I GET THAT; however, the impact on my "fingerprint" aka mental illness, is severe.



Have you ever felt like dying inside? Have you ever had too much on your plate? I already know the answer is YES. BUT, imagine that happening about every 20 minutes. It's referred to as the bipolar cycle.



Dr. "I" and I have known each other for 3-years. If I needed to prioritze my conversation to be about something other than what I chose to discuss the other day, then that is what we would have talked about. However, when I ranked my "deamons," that particular category was what had plagued my mind the most. You must also understand, that I have several items on my itinerary when I meet with him. Due to time constraints and ME SIMPLY FORGETTING, it doesn't always happen. I need a therapist in addition to all of this. WE need a therapist, actually, I think that a couple traveling through the process of healing together is something that can actually keep our relationship strong; stand out from the rest. WE talked about the therapist and it never happened.



I lost my train of thought, I had to go vommit again, sorry I didn't ask for your permission to be actually "normal person sick" and "mental person sick" on both days....but "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" right? Always multi-tasking like a good little girl. (this was my sarcastic sentence).



I want to say curse words. I will refrain from calling you names, and adding explicative "adjectives."



Again, I am in over my head. I do not need you to yell and say, "well then just quit." That will not benefit our family. That will not benefit my illness. I HAVE ALREADY SEEN a huge improvement being on a set sleep schedule, developing a daily routine, and actually doing a job that I am passionate about. BUT, it does not take away what still exists.



Today, was a cry for help. I do not need you to fly home from your job to babysit me. It was a strong need for us to build our level of conversation and communication which kinda sucks right now. Being a parent is awesome but it is definitely an inconvenience when scheduling a time to talk. Sometimes a cry for help supercedes any "scheduling" that may need to be done. Sometimes it needs to be a priority. I want to feel as though I am a priority. That statement is not intended to sound selfish. My intentions are genuine.



My cry for help is more of a NEED of respect and understanding as it pertains to SICKNESS. Sick days are unavoidable, I realize in the United States your employer has the ability to take your job away at any time for any reason. I realize that since we are gay I cannot go on your health insurance. I also realize that you cannot help to be ANGRY when you are the only working adult in the household. BUT, please understand, I ACTUALLY want to contribute. Huge difference. I want to provide for OUR FAMILY so that we can enjoy simple things such as cable, electricity, water, shelter, a healthy dinner as well as perks such as vacation and flying accross the country to see our family members that have chosen not to live near us (I have a lot of anger towards my family for moving away) and I know that you miss yours.



I love my job. It is very hard. I am afraid. But the fact that I have a job is an unbelievable gift. I want it but does it want me?



For goodness sake, I have to go to court and prove myself AGAIN that I am the best fit for my son and HE DESERVES child support. Have you thought that maybe the amount of stress from that day is a dark cloud getting closer, and closer, and causing me panic attacks? My throat has been burning from the attacks.



I want you to know that if I didn't love you and my son, I would let my son's father raise him and I would not be with you. I would be on the next flight to live with my parents or Hawaii to live in a tent with no health insurance and go off on some crazy downward spiral. BUT IT IS YOU that inspires me IT IS YOU that makes me want to try and be better. Why? I love you with all of my heart. I am in love with you. I don't love you for convenience. I don't love you because I am crying right now. I don't love you because it is the easy way out. You help me try, better myself, and you have the warmest heart. I just don't know if you feel the same way anymore. Is your heart slowly becoming cold? Are you slipping away? I don't feel like I deserve you. At times, I know you rather be married to a woman stronger than me. However, this is all I have to offer. I don't know what the future holds concerning any of what I have just discussed.



I lost my train of thought which seams to be a trend lately. I had to step away. If you choose to respond to me I will not be using my e-mail for the rest of the day. I have a lot to think about. Thoughts are swimming around my head and it is time I stop. Breathe. Take it all in. I went from 0-60 without preparing to go back to work because I was hired "on the spot."



If you chose to contact me, and I hope you do, I prefer a phone call as responding to this may not fit in a simple text message. But again, the ball is in your court now and that is your decision.





PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS YOU GUYS...I FEEL SO LOST!

Walking Contradiction

I don't have time to come up with a cute title so deal with it.

I'm tipsy.  Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start?  No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah.  I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days.  Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD  I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie).  Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face.  I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner.  If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it:  HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later?  How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?

Moving on.

My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment.  I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH!  Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.?  Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Homework:

Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior." 

Easier said than done.  I make extremely bad decisions all of the time.  I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud.  I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh?  Exactly. 

Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside.  Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others.  If that makes any sense.  It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener.  HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior."  So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.

Dammit!  I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process!  Crapola!

(15-minute pause)

I still do not remember.  I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.

Hypocritically yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

Back to Work...

I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Feed the sickness.
So deserving; undeserving.
Tiny voices in my head.

I try so hard to not try hard.
Feel the sickness.
So beautiful that its not wanted.
Want to hide under my bed.

I'm so strong; I'm so weak.
My "big girl" future is looking bleak.
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Familiar voices in my head.

Sooo...

How the hell are ya'll doing? 

I recieve a gift.  A gift of opportunity, coincidence, and discomfort all rolled into one.  I am working in a very high profile office performing a very high profile job where a neat and tidy appearance, mentality, and approach is everything....everything that I "used to be."

I accepted this gift because I am working for an amazing company with the top reputation for getting people jobs.  I'm a bleeding heart and so naturally I wanted to take this job. I couldn't find a job so naturally I can empathize.  Of course there are major standards, corporate requirements, and I have to market myself...It's wonderful, actually, but my disorder is lurking around every corner.  I only want to cry during the most inconvenient time!  I want to quit at least once a day because I am overwhelmed and I feel inferior.  I am working with these STRONG women with a clear vision of their lives, etc. etc.

Bottom Line:  I happen to be fortunate enough to have the "potential" of being the best.  This is what I have been told anyway...but when I am told something like that, my brain translates this into, "You are an idiot, go home, and never show your face in this high profile town again."

It's just too fast!  I didn't even know that I would interview on Friday and start on Monday...I had no time to prioritize, no "fun money" to buy new clothes and I just somehow show up in a suit and kick ass...I don't want to kick ass because then I get all of this attention...thats the other problem...I love attention...but I don't want it.  I can't stop dreaming about a car speeding down the road and hitting a wall.

I can't stop obsessing over the fact that no one is at the house now and I should be in it...I never really wanted to leave it but it's obvious that I was quickly developing agoraphobia...

I don't know how to end this blog so I'm just going to go off to bed...my head is swimming, I'm so glad Friday has arrived, and I hope I am atleast 50% awake tomorrow.  I'm not asking for pity or anything...I just can't stop envisioning this puppy dropped off in a fancy neighborhood trying to find someone to love him even though he is beat up a bit and doesn't look thin, well manicured, and promising...sick part is that I grew up in that fancy town and thats where the dysfunction began...we shall see I suppose.

I need my happy place!!!!!!!!!!!

A Strange Discovery

I have so many questions...Don't you?

Over the weekend I discovered a very odd contributor to my EXTREME anxiety...

Insomnia - OK, on the surface we all know it means you can't sleep.  I do not think I have insomnia and I also do not think that there is a name for this cluster of crap.  This is a good thing if you ask my partner because I am a hypocondriac and I can't give myself another "disease" so yay for you, dear. <insert actual LOL>

Here it goes:

• I am afraid to go to sleep.  A lot of people are because they are afraid of dying...this is not what I am afraid of.
• I have certain "rituals" I have to do before I go to sleep.  "Rituals" I have never heard of someone with OCD experiencing.
• Rituals:
• Watching something funny, something dangerous, something about criminals, and possibly more stories about murderers, sociopaths, molesters, etc. During this time I take 2mg of Xanex to relax and prepare for sleep...it usually mellows me out but thats about it.
• Walking around the kitchen thinking about food...sometimes eating it...sometimes not...if I eat it is followed by a period of shame because since I started night eating I have added an extra 15lbs to last years 15lbs from other issues...then I cry because my clothes don't fit.
• Then I freak out about money.  I don't have a job or health insurance so I look for jobs about 2 hours a night which does not include 2-4 hours of job searching during the day.
• After I look for a job I have to play a game, read an excellent article, or watch a movie to prevent panic...I have had several panic attacks FALLING asleep not just DURING...I looked it up...not so much on the whole FALLING asleep panic stuff.
• I take 50mg of trazadone and a bennadryl...while it kicks in I, for exactly 20 minutes, think about HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE TOMORROW!  

This I "THINK" caused it:

• Unemployment and the horrible experience with my previous employer has destroyed me after I thought I was already destroyed in 2008 when I was diagnosed...turns out, I was successful (duh!) just a bit "troubled."
• No health insurance for the GAYS.  BUT GET THIS SHIT!!!  Since I live with her I can't get any type of government assistance!  My son's father is on government assistance because he is LYING and cannot insure my kid.  ::DAGGER TO MY HEART::
• Disability takes to long to "qualify" for and they won't expedite people even if they have been strapped to a gurny hallucinating from mental anguish...ok so this bullet point will be called the crappy government rant....to be continued.........

The RAW truth is that, not only do I have a craving to cut myself, I fantasize about becoming catatonic...its one of those non-selfish cravings if you get what I'm saying...I just don't want to use my voice or move or function...did I mention I am a singer and all around performer...yeah complete contrast...

So, again, I am A. Afraid to sleep B. Obsessed with my rituals C. I don't want tomorrow to come because THERE IS NO POINT.

I am so glad I have my son but sometimes I even want him to go away TERIBBLE!!!!!!!!  I just wish this would stop.  I applied for 19 jobs today...so hopefully that will help but at the same time it has delayed the rituals and I hope I can fall asleep before 3. 

Outburst:  DAMMIT I went to College and I have so much work experience!!!!!!!  I will be damned if I have to start all over again!!!!!!!!  kjgaornhgoaiern;WEKJGF!!!!!!!!

p.s. Dr. "I" increased my Lamictol to 400 mg a day so hopefully I can calm the BLEEP down.

Ridiculous Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

"The Breakdown, The Home, and The Indian"

I think its safe to introduce you guys to a "happy" little place I call "The Home."  I came up with this cute little nickname from my "Great-Grandmother from another mother," Estelle Getty...Yep, I have seen almost every episode of the "Golden Girls" just like every other...ummm...teenager.  Estelle played Sophia and referred to "Shady Pines" retirement facility as such...she often talked about trying to "bust out of the joint." 

Whatever, dude.  I'm not embarassed.  That show is funnier than shit.

"The Home" is actually the Psych Ward.  Ward #3 to be exact.  I was told, "you should be in Ward #2 because of your extreme psychotic break; however, you talk too much and most of the people in that section already hear voices.  They don't need to listen to you too...and that is a FACT" (insert Punjabi, indian dialect). 

Sooo...I'm in bad physical shape because I told "Dr. I" that morning that I needed to release 50% of my blood from my body because my mother is evil...I am 50% of her and I want it out....you get the irrational picture...

Anyways, bleeding, shaking, talking crazy, shouting...I AGREE to go to this place to "get better."

"You will not be cured.  You are on a journey and must meditate and think about what you have done and that is a FACT blah blah blah (Ok so whenever it ends with the word "fact" speak to yourself in an Indian accent...It's the same guy...p.s. I love him)

It smells like hospital.  It looks like a very clean Dr. Office but with little orphanage beds...two beds per room.  It's overwhelming...so I do what I do best...I talk...talk...I think I didn't pause until I had to pee 2 hours later.  I'm confused...they are showing me my room...something about having a roomate and taking my shoelaces out of my shoes...  So after the grand tour (It's only two hallways, one conference room, one office, a nurse's station complete with pills I want to eat and.....A CLASSROOM?  But in the movies they get to walk up and down the hall twitching in a hospital gown and sleep alot.  Like a lot of sleeping and medication and television and resting and more sleeping..and and and...STOP!  The classroom doors open and I see my neighbors for the first time...WTF! Are there CRAYONS in that CLASSROOM?  So this is what happens next...all of a sudden you're "normal" again and SNAP out of it.  Get me out!  Please!  I don't belong here (uh yeah I totally did).

I meet the following people:

Male, 60's, talks only about the war
girl, very young, dissapointment to her parents
Female, late 20's, cigarette burns all over her arms...very friendly.
Woman, age unknown, growls like tiger...nevermind.
Super tiny woman with a feeding tube...anorexic...refused to eat so the Dr. jammed a bag of "Ensure" in her stomach...very hard to keep a straight face.
Female, a lot like me, starting lithium and takes vicodin for her back...great sense of humor...scars on neck and feet.
A few other guys and gals that are unemployed, trying to beat the system, and need a warm bed...ridiculous.

The Food:

Good.  We were only allowed to use "Sporks"...quite possibly the funniest rule on the planet.  You were graded on how well you ate by a little nurse.  Did I mention the food was good?  Kinda like a restaraunt...and then...SHIT!  The manager of the "restaraunt" is someone I know.  SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  No wonder she never told me where she worked!  The last three days I only remember dinner...she worked days...I hid behind a wall...I almost failed breakfast...The guy from war was in on my secret and he would do a "stop drop and roll" with his tray that had an extra bagel for me so I could recieve a "C"

The Schedule:

Booked Schedule 8:00 a.m. - 9:45 p.m. Crazy people do not like surprise knocks on the doors and the lights flipped on FOR THEM like CAMP in the morning.  I am not a bitch.  This made me a bitch.  Good News is that my wife had to bring me ear plugs because my "Roomate" snored like a Friggin' fighter jet ready for take off.  I made fun of her with my new "friends" on day two snorting like a pig and she caught me.  Later that evening I was told that she said she was going to kill me in my sleep...ironic...I wasn't the one sleeping....Ok I'm off track.  The schedule was Breakfast, morning "what do we want to accomplish" discussions, Break, Snack time (yep...you heard me), another class that coincided with the day of the week, "Quiet time" with our journals, lunch, 2 more classes, break (with a snack...duh), another class, Dinner, 1 class, closing discussion, lights out.  meds at 8,12,5,and 9:30.  If you leave your room in the middle of the night for a walk just to get away from...I don't know...a foghorn...you will meet 3rd shift.  3rd shift is a very cranky female nurse playing solitare and a very young, ugly and horny male nurse watching DVDs on the company computers.  They got each others back; therefore, you have now pissed the bitch off and she says get back in your room...suddenly I am a 9-year old. 

I must add that the day shift and evening shift nurses were lovely.  One of them was even bipolar type 1 and had literally been on our side of the fence.  I learned a lot but I needed a mother-trucking vacation when I left.  I am way to extroverted for "The Home."  I listened to everyone's story and, of course, I wanted to heal the world, fix everyone's problem, and skip around in a manic frenzy.  Yeah...one day I skipped...I was bored!  (Humph!)

Release:

Sounds easy.  Takes forever.  "Good morning, what have you learned?  You can do nothing with the past.  You are in the present and the future means nothing because it is not here yet.  Your illness means you need to be CONCIOUS 100% of the TIME in the PRESENT...I see that it is a fact you have spent many hours taking classes on facts and the fact is that you can leave today...your wife pick you up?  Is that a fact?"   (RRRRGGG I love you....just stop say FACT!)

Then there is the paperwork that takes...2 hours? I call my reliable other half to come get me.  Then she has to wait another hour at the release station...we leave...pizza...the end.

The moral of this story is before you have a psychotic break remember this blog so that you don't expect a trip to the movie set of, "Girl Interupted."

The End. 

psy·cho·sis

Psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

The first time this occurs it may be referred to as a "psychotic break."  If it happens again it is eventually referred to as psychosis.

Sooooooooo...........

I am in what I would like to call a "psychosis haze" right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone (unless it is electronically) and I am back to eating more than my stomach can hold in order to avoid cutting.  I snapped about 36 hours ago...I knew it was coming because my insomnia has been back for quite some time and my mania has been full throttle and my low moments have been absolute darkness.  I am completely drugged at the moment...but....with a twist.

The following has medicinally occured today.......

• 9 Xanex (I have passed out on 27 before so...whatever...I know I'm wrong...no need for a lecture)
• 3 Benadryl (it adds a little kick to the X
• 2 glasses of cherry diet dr. pepper with a splash of vodka...I then took a nap
• Woke up and took 1 Tylenol PM, 1 Benadryl, and 1 Xanex

So...to the hardcore pill popper...not to horrifying, but this is typical for me when psychosis sets in.  On a normal day I only take 4mg of Xanex even tho the Dr. has prescribed 5mg per day.  I guess I am subconciously saving up for a rainy day...oh wait...it didn't rain today.

If I were in a full blown psychotic state I wouldn't be able to type this.  However, I find a strange solace in "blog land." 

Finally, everyone is pissed off at my "poor" behavior in the house.  I want to be alone for like 5 days but they are all worried I would slice myself open and unless I eat the rest of the kitchen I probably would.  I don't like the effects of Xanex, actually, it isn't very fun.  I find it to be extremely necessary but when I take a bit of cough syrup, allergy medicine, and top it off with a sleeping pill I can get through like 6 hours completely numb and productive....sigh....next week I will be bitching on here about how manic I am and some new diet craze. 

I feel my buzz wearing off....

So, AGAIN, it takes 5 seconds to create a user name...SHARE your experiences, fears, and ideas with me!

Maniacle Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

The Burning Question

A lot of people ask about my past and present experiences with "cutting."  I know it is a scary topic so I typically change the subject.  As I said in my first blog...I am not holding back on anything.  It would be impossible to relate or to share common experiences with the people that I inform or share the same pain with unless I put it all out there.

Most of the blogs that people tell me to read about are stories about perfect lives doing perfect things blah blah blah.  You are going to get a lot of stomach turning, crazed, shit here, my friend.

Past:  The rush!  All of a sudden my heart stops hurting and the pain is transferred to my torn flesh.  Bones are bruised and I begin to grin as my tears shoot out of my eyes like a machine gun.  The creepy giggle!  As I rapidly glide the blade down the area of choice.  Slowly I notice the glide has turn into violent slams.  The rage!  I am attacking the people that hurt me AND attacking the people I love. I leave my body and at this point I am watching.  I mean, I would feel it if it were actually happening right?  Nope, I have become numb.

Present:  Knowledge of all of the previous mentioned.  Just as any other addict I count to see how long I can go without doing it again.  I hate scars because I want to be that girl everyone says is "sexy."  I contemplate re-opening the wounds that have already become scars.  When I relapse, it gets harder to look at each time.  I whisper under my breath, "I'm a horrible mother...no one loves me, they just worry about me...I am a bad wife."...and for some reason I also chant, "I'm a bad housekeeper." 

So this is the crap I get asked...

Why do you do it?  It morbidly amuses me.  I justify it until it sounds comepletely normal!  I have a lot of hate that I hide on the inside.  I have NO PATIENCE.  I am completely self-centered, and last but not least it is a transfer of PTSD and prevents my panic attacks from an ANXIETY DISORDER.

Still confused by my answer...especially the last one?  Sorry, dude, I guess you can go to a forum and read about other people then...

Here is the sick part...I am a bubbly and happy person.  Very outgoing.  I don't know why I have this weird internal anger.  I don't know why I am selfish.  I don't know why I demand things from the people I love.  If any of you have insight or CAN RELATE.  Please COMMENT!

Bloody Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy