Hey there.
It's been several months since my last post. I know.
My life has turned itself around completely. Yeah, I still have some major issues to work through but I am in a much better place.
Why?
Well it's simple, actually. Xanax is a bitch and I kicked its ass.
When?
Well it took about 5 months and 2 relapses. But on Valentine's day I was done. It was hell. I am not going to lie. But Benzos were about to be the death of me. Falling asleep in the tub, eating them by the handfuls, going to the hospital. I had no idea that any of my vital organs could have stopped at any time.
How?
While going through withdrawal my obsession with the drug grew stronger. Cravings, muscle tremors, panic attacks, anger, mood swings, insomnia, and all that comes with Borderline Personality Disorder. But after the death of several celebrities was blasted all over the news and it seemed as though Dr. Drew was on every single channel every single day, I decided that I couldn't give up. I DID NOT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC. More importantly, I wanted to love myself again.
Conclusion:
I cannot fucking believe it. I became MOTIVATED again! I have started to workout regularly. I am leaving my house again. I worked up the courage to ask for an anti-anxiety medication that is NOT a benzo so that i can drive...and it works. Not all of the time, it is still hard to get out, but its so much better than it was. More importantly, my relationship with my partner is HOT HOT HOT. Its like we are dating again. Not perfect but so much better and filled with simple kindness that I was not expressing towards her. My son and I are interacting again and its beautiful.
Everyday, I notice something else that has improved in my life. I still have bouts of insomnia followed by crashing and I still have mood swings but at least I know I am strong enough NOT to give up. When I am upset I am able to tell myself that it is all going to be OK.
So what is the best part?
I have not self harmed in 3 months!!!!!!
XOXO
Truthaboutcrazy
