Soo...let's get down to dishing the dirt in the land of crazy. Sometimes I think craziness follows me. Well, that and my poor or impulsive decisions. The following story I wouldn't call a poor decision. I much rather choose to call this an "impulsive" decision. For those of you all who have not seen the vlog or have not been on twitter, I went to detox from benzos (xanax) last week. Just looking over the time I spent writing about xanax, the poems, talking about it, etc. finally made me ask the question, "Who am I without the xanax?" I take a bunch of other shit now, anyway and my Dr. is weaning me off of them so technically I needed to do this. She suggested that I did it at home the slower way instead of doing it in a quick five days. But, I am impatient and I always try to speed things up.
After carefully researching and going through my selection process I found a facility that would concentrate on my psychiatric needs while I detoxed from benzos the HEALTHY way. What happened next couldn't possibly been made up by the best comedians on the planet....
I entered with a suitcase and a pillow. Immediately I was approached with a stack of bullshit paperwork because that is exactly what crazy people on drugs want to do when they are about to detox. It took a motherfucking 7 hours to get through all of the tests, examinations, and verbal abuse by a bunch of self absorbed case workers and IGNORANT nurses!
Intake:
- filled out paperwork until I thought my hand was going to fall off. This was to be expected I was aware that intake was not a walk in the park
- Getting yelled at by a nurse because she didn't know what "co-occurring illness" meant. (even though it was on the brochure.
- When I told her I had Borderline Personality Disorder she said, "Well who am I talking to now?" and shook her head at me...I realized she didn't know what that meant either and that she thought I had multiple personality disorder.
- Advised the nurse the DSM-IV description of BPD and she actually told me I didn't know what I was talking about!
My first impression:
- I couldn't help but to have an internal meltdown when my designated nurse told me she had just gotten out of prison "6 weeks ago." I guess I am a judgemental bitch because I became extremely paranoid.
- I met the other women. 50% prostitutes and 50% permanently damaged from EXTREME drug use. They were as nice as they could be, I suppose, but I guess that's what makes me a judgemental bitch again. I couldn't fathom walking the streets for drug money. (we are talking low class hookers folks...not escorts...lol).
- My understanding was that we would not chat about drugs the whole time because that makes the clock tick slower. I was incorrect because even the 4 nurses were talking about the "fun" times and such.
- I was asked if I had kids. I said yes. This old lady told me, "You'll be back here again and one day the state is going to take away your child for being fucked up. Trust me!" If she didn't look so stupid and if I were in public I would have punched her in the fucking kidney. So instead I bit my tongue off (sarcastic smile).
- My body began to go into withdrawal and I started twitching and getting faint. My arms started to tingle and it felt like there were "bugs in my brain."
- I was given a tranquilizer, a plastic pillow, 4 other mystery pills, and told to go lay down until 6 a.m. (bullshit)
- We went outside to a smoking area that looked more like a cage. Completely visible to the street. Although I had quit for the most part I shoved a ciggie in my face so damn fast.
- One of the girls starts making a bird noise, "CA CAW, CA CAW" like a fucking crow.
- I turn and look and there is a drug deal going on in the parking lot. She was trying to "score" thru the chain link fence. (I bolted inside).
- After that wonderful experience we sat at a table and chatted. Everyone "started to feel the meds" kicking in. I looked confused.
- Staring at all of the zombies, I feel nothing. The zombies asked, "Do you feel it??...pretty good huh?"
- I felt nothing except that the tingling and twitching stopped..."You don't feel drowsy?" This seemed to confuse the Zombies. I was confused too.
- Someone actually said, "She must be a hardcore junkie."
- I laughed inside my head. I am a hardcore cheeseball, spaz, and silly chatterbox, but I am so stupid when it comes to drugs. I just wanted to make an attempt to get better.
- Lastly, I "went to bed."
The Icing on the Cake:
- Trembling, I finally fell asleep only to be woken up 45 minutes later to the bitch nurse yelling at me. Apparently I forgot to sign one piece of paper or some shit.
- My "roommate" dropped her dentures on the floor and started shouting. She located the dentures and fell back asleep. She had sleep apnea. I thought she was dying with every breath she took.
- Again, me the judgemental bitch, I am sickened by the denture incident and she begins shouting (she thought she was being robbed in her sleep) and I vomit in the trash can.
- I leave the room and start pounding some water. One of the nurses yells, "Get back in bed! How are you awake and functioning?" I replied, "I dunno," like some dumb idiot.
- Nurse "Bitch" whispered to Nurse "former prisoner" that she needs to be careful around me. "Thats that girl we are going to end up sending to the psych ward because she has that split-personality condition thing."
He told me I shouldn't leave but he couldn't keep me. "You should stay. You can't just go cold turkey." I said I agreed that cold turkey causes horrible side effects, listed them, and then said that I had 125 benzos at home (that were about to be flushed down the toilet if detox was successful) and I will wean myself off slowly without a fucking horse tranquilizer or whatever they gave me that DID NOT WORK.
"How are you going to do that? You will just take them all and OD when you leave."
"NO. LH dispenses 3 a day and then will do 2 a day and then 1 a day until they are gone in about 6 weeks."
"Can she be trusted?" he said.
"FUCK YOU. She worked in a mental health facility in the middle of the desert for 5 years before coming to Nashville. She did intake for Schizophrenia patients that stopped taking their meds and began self medicating." "Do you know what that is like dip shit?" He did not like being called dip shit but I did not like having my integrity questioned.
I'm a judgemental bitch again because after meeting everyone at the facility I realized that the most knowledgeable person on mental health and drug related issues lived in the SAME HOUSE that I lived in.
I love that woman. I drag her through the mud with my ridiculous delusions and antics and she still stands up for me. I called her, she called a babysitter, she was there 1hr later to "rescue me" from that hell hole or, should I say, IGNORANCE. She questioned me a bit on the way home, dealt with my withdrawals by pulling over when I needed to get sick, etc. until we got home and then snapped a benzo in half. She tossed it in my mouth and grunted, "Drink. I'm tired, dammit."
We went to bed. I am so dramatic but I learned a valuable lesson. YOU CAN'T cut corners and try to detox off of something your Dr. gave you 6 weeks to do at home. I thought I had no self control to do this. I just wanted it to be OVER!!!!
As it stands, I am down to 2.5 mg per day. I am no longer taking them for anxiety and panic but for withdrawal purposes only. I am doing well. I do flip out if I sleep too long and wake up in a cold sweat with tremors. I slept in yesterday and was very ill but I worked through it. I am not going to lie. I am so scared that I am going to have a panic attack and no benzos to get me through it. BUTTTT I hate to admit it. I haven't cut since that crazy detox day and I have only had 2 panic attacks. I have more energy and the wife says that she can "see the life in my eyes again." So, that's amazing!! Now if only we can get the random crying, anger management, delusions, and self hatred under control! ::Sigh:: I know, kids. ONE THING AT A TIME.
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Judgementally Yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
