Identity Crisis

Those were the days....

Or was it the beginning?

We were on the way back from a 4hr trip to the Casino.  It was a blast.  My friends all had a bit of Casino induced mania that I would actually categorize as "almost normal."  We had so much fun!  Most of us actually came out on top and even paid for food and gas on the way home...

I began to realize that the simple mood stabilizer and 1-2 benzos a day were possibly not enough.  The slight mania resulted in a cycle down to a super low, and if my memory serves me right, I painted a lot of my friends house immediately after the low.  The abstract work has been referred to as, "a scene out of a horror movie."

Let's fast forward a few months later.  The Dr. bumps me up to double the mood stabilizer (300 mg of Lamictal or Lamatrigne) and three 1mg xanax per day (one every 6-8 hrs).  I started to freak out because I didn't want to climb the painful ladder of abusing medication.  I attempted to take matters into my own hands and skipped doses regularly.  It caused me to end up in the psych ward (see previous post for additional information).

Additional medicine was required during that visit.  I had dreams of getting lost in orange pill bottles, the sound pills make in my purse. I often skipped what I think I don't need, and then Waking up in withdrawal.  Vomiting was a regular occurrence due to inconsistent ingestion of meds, non-stop panic attacks.  So I would try to overcompensate by taking 1/3 of my bottle 3-4 bennadryl (allergy medicine) and sleeping pills during the day...

I loved that slowed down, nodding off, head rolling, feeling (some of you may have felt this).  I lost my job, didn't give a shit, and continued to consult wit my Psych. about bumping up meds or changing them up. 

Due to all of the changes I ended up having SEVERAL allergic reactions and sluggish reactions.  I tried to drain my blood out of all of my veins because I had a psychotic break and thought my mom poisoned me.  My mom is "loony" but she wouldn't poison me.  THIS situation landed me back in the "home" or shall I say Psych Ward (see previous post). That about rounds out 2010 for me.

So now....I F'ing don't get it!  I worked a total of 2 months and collected 3 months of Unemployment in 2010...drained my savings but didn't do anything super dumb.  2011, so far, I have worked a total of 6 months, and now the microscope from my entire family is on me....My band that made a few bucks here and there and hit it big at the "Smokehouse" and the "Exit/Inn" However, we broke up in April due to very positive reasons.  I'm not mad at them...I miss them dearly and I became extremely depressed.

Lets quickly fast forward to 2011.  So I have tripled my work activity and the year is not over yet.  I have loved ones breathing down my neck for my next move and a tiny amount of money.  In other words, my safe and carefree lifestyle is done with (for now).  If it weren't for the 3 benzos (xanax) I just took, I would be punching things and screaming (and of course unable to type).

So I have calculated something priceless:  I am miserable now.  I was miserable at the previous job that had an hour commute there and the same back.  BUT, If I was miserable then, now, who gives a shit what job I take...I am pissed at "Corporate America," So, tomorrow, it might be a scam, but I have an interview tomorrow about 20 minutes from my house.  I do not want this job, I do not like the genre, but I am going to check out the location and just go for it.  I can't lose anything, I can only gain insight.  The first 19 weeks are a salary, reliable check, and then there is some other structure but it will pay the bills and get my wife off my back.  It may be a scam.  BUT unless I start leaving my house and actually checking things out for myself, then I will never know.  I am tired of people getting on my case and I am tired of Looking for an answer at the bottom of a bottle. 

I'm forced into misery at home, my "friends" are dropping like flies, and I want everyone off my case.  So by the end of the week, if I am not working for a boutique, restaurant, or whatever I am going to tomorrow...I am going to do something to SHUT EVERYONE UP!

THE END,

TruthAboutCrazy

Down and Out

I have a huge passion in my life...music...and a lot of people do.  It's an excellent way to express yourself.

I love, love, love to write, sing, and perform.  All though my roots are Blues/Rock, I found myself in early 2010 as the lead singer of a indie/punk band.  At first, I wasn't the perfect fit...I needed to let go...I needed to let down my extremely damaged and fragile walls.  As sensitive to change as I was, it finally happened one night at a "house show" in the middle of nowhere.  I found my voice.  Then, as quickly as it came, it went up in flames.........

I really feel as though we, as a band, had/have so much potential.  A lot of my depression stems from the damage my band endured this year.  Our drummer moved to another state and my mediocre bass player moved 2 hours away and was not willing to commit.  My guitarist and I are the two that remain.  The guitarist is a creative genius and is the producer as well.  So we still have our roots but pushing through the adversity as a lonely duo has been difficult. What sucks is that all of that potential is dishevelled right now.

So...since my blog won't let me upload a simple recording I made a little slide show for you guys because the stupid piece of crap "Blogger" would only take a video.

Oh, and I figured since I am always embarrassed and anxious that this would be therapeutic or some shit : )

"Down and Out"

PTSD: Get Out of My Brain!

Hmmm...that news article looks interesting...let's take a look...

(As I read) I wonder why my heart is pounding?  I'm completely relaxed.  I was in good company tonight.  Did I take my meds on time?  Yep.  Perfect.  My heart feels funny.  This article is really good and I can completely relate to it.

I think I am having a panic attack.  What time is it?  Where am I?

I close my eyes and I am no longer in my home.  I open my eyes and I am.  So, I am not blacking out, hallucinating, etc.  This must be a memory.  So, I close my eyes again and I realize I am in my grandmother's old house.  I am about 6 years old and I am playing in the spare bedroom that no one goes in too often.  It smells kind of dusty.  I am laying on a bed on my stomach playing with some old toys my dad used to play with when he was a kid.  She saved almost all of the toys.  The toys were some army toys, a bunch of minature telephones and one large rotary phone.  It was a marigold like color.  One of the little phones was baby blue (wow I just remembered that).

::I am the oldest female in the new generation of family members.  My cousin, he, is the oldest::

As I play with my toys I realize that I am not alone.  We are playing together.  It's fun.  We are talking into the little phones and then hanging up and answering a different one.  We are giggling.  After all, I am only 6 and he is 9 (I think) maybe 10 or 11. 

Our family was in the kitchen cooking...we are Italian so that means 9 people crammed into a tiny kitchen arguing while then men watch football.

Next, he suggests this weird game that I vaguely remember.  Something about answering the phone and if I answer the one that he was thinking of I win.  The prize was a kiss.  "OK," I said.  After all, I have seen family members do that so big deal.  Right?  Well finally I win...or something...my memory is a blur.  He leans in and gives me a kiss.  I turn my cheek for a family friendly kiss on the cheek.

Ummmm....yeah....that wasn't the plan and this is where the following gets really difficult to share (in fact, this is the 14th hour and 3 panic attacks since I began typing).

He leaned his head in and kissed me on the mouth.  I giggled uncomfortably and was urged to keep on playing.  The door was closed.  The game continued.  The roles were changed and I was asked to kiss him.  Again, I went for the cheek (remembr I am 6 and I don't quite know what is "appropriate").  He turned his head and lightly grabbed the back of mine.  His lips were wet.  He kissed me again and again.  No tounge.  Then we go back to being silly and playing the game.  Only this time the large telephone was incorporated into the game.  More kissing.  I push back.  I feel uncomfortable...

The following is a bit explicit.  Also, I am not quite sure what sparked this.

He became angry with me and told me that I made him sad and disappointed.  Then....he reached for the large phone......grabbed the handle and simultaneously (firmly) placed me on my back.....opened my legs slightly and started ramming me in the crotch with the phone...multiple times...he told me I liked it....it was brief and then it finally ended...I didn't yell because he told me I liked it.  Why?  WHY? Why did I like this? 

He left the room and told me to clean up my toys.  I did.  I was NOT the perfect kid but I knew my parents would be upset with me if I didn't clean up my toys.  I had a few tears in my eyes; however, the confusion superseded all other emotion.  Why my crotch?  Hmmmm...other than going potty, I don't quite understand the purpose of my crotch.  That kissing thing was really odd.  I want to tell someone.  I see married people kiss on the lips but not kids....

"Mommy...Daddy...." (later that evening in private) "My cousin kissed me." I said.  "Awww...how nice dear...he loves you." mom said.  "Is that why it was on the lips a lot?" I whimpered.  "What?!  NO.  I don't know what he was thinking...that's not right."  mom said.  ::Dad whispered:: "Don't freak out in front of her...it will scare her."  he said.  "Don't let that happen again!"  Mom yelled.

Great.  I did something wrong and they are mad at me.

After that, I didn't see him.  As the years progressed, an incident that just seemed odd at the time, the thoughts began to fade away.  However, when I was 14 and visiting my uncle, he was there for the summer.  I was spending the weekend with my uncle because my parents were having some adult time I suppose.  My cousin immediately had a sparkle in his eye.  By that time, I was developed and beginning to look like a woman.  The second we were alone he grabbed a magazine and opened it up to a page with a bunch of submissive girls on their knees, stuff on their face, and a penis.  He asked me if I had started giving boys my age blow jobs yet and if I liked it. (I was cornered and this happened very quickly).  I walked away and told him to leave me alone.  "I am not about to talk about this bullshit with my cousin." 

A few hours later when I was alone again gettig ready in the guest room for the family to go somewhere.  I heard some rap music.  I'm not against any type of music.  I just had never heard that song before.  I stepped outside of the guest room and he was listening to some hardcore song about blow jobs and he was rubbing and massaging his crotch...I immediately turned for the bathroom and vomitted...he got the picture....and stayed away from me.  He has continued to not contact me for the rest of my life...thank GOD.

NOW:  I knew that he had tried to kiss me and I thought he was a weirdo.  That was the only "imprint" left in my mind.  Last night, I was reading an article about how self mutilation sometimes stems from childhood molestation, trauma, or any other abuse.  I truly thought that my PTSD began with some horrible experiences I had when I was a late teen.  I had no idea that this entire scenario had occured.  LITERALLY, my brain spewed these thoughts out like an explosive.  I couldn't stop it.  It was like my brain said, "WAIT you need to know the whole story for once in your life."

I am in absolute shock.  I was completely incapacitated today.  I am not quite sure where to go from here.  I am very thankful that this memory triggered when I was at home and not alone.  We were able to take all the sharp objects out of the house and properly medicate me.  Afterwards, my wife hid all of the medication.  She did agree to leave me a few extra xanax, which is a first, but she knew immediately that this was the most devastating realization in my life.  I was sodomized until I bled by a yellow rotary phone.  There really is no point in pressing charges 21 years later, or even upsetting my parents.  It is what it is.  Maybe this acknowledgement of when the abuse began will help me move forward and maybe it won't.  I have NO IDEA where to go from here except for the obvious...therapy.  Now, I will be honest.  I should probably be comitted after this trigger.  I have not been able to control my breathing since I woke up this morning and I am freaking out but I am not suicidal.  I have asked myself all day if I should commit myself again or not.  As it stands right now, I am going to sleep on it, I guess.  I literally keep seeing that phone everywhere I go.  It is in every room.  If I close my eyes, I see the phone.  I can't escape it.  Thank GOD cell phones don't look like rotary phones (lol).  Otherwise I would be attacking everyone and their phones. 

I went through EMDR if you have ever heard of it, you know that lasts about a year and you are supposed to go back to where it all began.  Unfortunately, the trauma began before I remembered.  Obviously EMDR did not work for me even though it works for a lot of people.

Man, I can't shake this.  I am literally devastated right now!

In closing, I hope this helps someone and I hope this helps me cope too.  All I am able to do is invest in is hope at this point.

100% truthfully yours,

Truthaboutcrazy