Hey! Guess What?! Religion isn't a weapon you ASSHOLE!

I am so pissed off right now.  This blog is going to be....I don't even know....I just know that I literally want to choke a bitch.

So...this is going to take me hours to type because I just had to take 3 Xanax to relax.  Some day, I will discuss something positive but...oh, that's right...not gonna happen.

We say we are crazy, mentally ill, diseased, bipolar, depressed, etc.  (If I missed your category, again, I am medicated and I don't mean to offend).

ANYWAYS, my neighbor decided to "show her ass" tonight.  I get along with everyone else.  But this BRAT decided she was going to be a little snot!  I noticed it developing a few weeks ago but I ignored it because I genuinely care about the rest of the group (they are older than me but age is just a number so whatever). 

I wanted to have a casual celebration Margarita with my friends aka neighbors.  She won't stop glaring at me during the whole group conversation (about nine people) and I am thinking, "Oh, gosh, seriously not again." 

Finally, I begin to chat with her hubby (no sexual attraction she is wayyyy hot and...just trust me on this one...attraction is not the issue).  I say to her hubby that we need to all get together more often like we used to because I loved how we would all bring a dish, chill, grill, play games, or whatever...This bitch pounces me and goes off on how they are MARRIED now and they can't be partying all of the time because they have "couple" stuff to do and...blah blah blah...Then it takes a turn for the worst and I say, "I never wish to offend anyone.  If I do, that is not my intent and I don't understand your hostility."


Someone tries to rescue this ridiculous discussion and change the subject. FAIL. She jumps on my case about throwing parties and my parenting skills...ask anyone, I am a fun mom that is still strict and has boundaries...as a result, people who don't like kids, have a blast with our kiddo. 

I'm pissed.  So I just flat out ask, "If it is our orientation or anything that makes you uncomfortable, I will respectfully back off, is that it?"  She flips out about how she isn't the judge and "I will face the judgement of GOD one day."

I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE I AM REBELLIOUS.  I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF A CHOICE.
OH AND ALERT THE PRESS!!  I'M NOT GAY TO PISS OF MY NEIGHBORS YOU CUNT!  I AM WITH MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE BABYSITTING AN ALCOHOLIC AND TWO ADULT CHILDREN THAT STILL LIVE WITH YOU!!!!

P.S. Don't tell me how to be a parent because your 18 year old who never has a job unless she asks to babysit my son and your 23 year old daughter lives with you and does not know SHIT about whether the sky is blue, purple or filled with flying toasters....so FUCK OFF YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH CUNT!  I AM GOING TO COVER MY YARD WITH MY MASSIVE GAY FLAG AND YOU CAN LOOK OUT YOUR TACKY, UGLY WINDOW, AT MY PRIDE!

suck on this:

I would be dead without this woman.  She rescued me physically and emotionally...The End.

A Strange Discovery

I have so many questions...Don't you?

Over the weekend I discovered a very odd contributor to my EXTREME anxiety...

Insomnia - OK, on the surface we all know it means you can't sleep.  I do not think I have insomnia and I also do not think that there is a name for this cluster of crap.  This is a good thing if you ask my partner because I am a hypocondriac and I can't give myself another "disease" so yay for you, dear. <insert actual LOL>

Here it goes:

• I am afraid to go to sleep.  A lot of people are because they are afraid of dying...this is not what I am afraid of.
• I have certain "rituals" I have to do before I go to sleep.  "Rituals" I have never heard of someone with OCD experiencing.
• Rituals:
• Watching something funny, something dangerous, something about criminals, and possibly more stories about murderers, sociopaths, molesters, etc. During this time I take 2mg of Xanex to relax and prepare for sleep...it usually mellows me out but thats about it.
• Walking around the kitchen thinking about food...sometimes eating it...sometimes not...if I eat it is followed by a period of shame because since I started night eating I have added an extra 15lbs to last years 15lbs from other issues...then I cry because my clothes don't fit.
• Then I freak out about money.  I don't have a job or health insurance so I look for jobs about 2 hours a night which does not include 2-4 hours of job searching during the day.
• After I look for a job I have to play a game, read an excellent article, or watch a movie to prevent panic...I have had several panic attacks FALLING asleep not just DURING...I looked it up...not so much on the whole FALLING asleep panic stuff.
• I take 50mg of trazadone and a bennadryl...while it kicks in I, for exactly 20 minutes, think about HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE TOMORROW!  

This I "THINK" caused it:

• Unemployment and the horrible experience with my previous employer has destroyed me after I thought I was already destroyed in 2008 when I was diagnosed...turns out, I was successful (duh!) just a bit "troubled."
• No health insurance for the GAYS.  BUT GET THIS SHIT!!!  Since I live with her I can't get any type of government assistance!  My son's father is on government assistance because he is LYING and cannot insure my kid.  ::DAGGER TO MY HEART::
• Disability takes to long to "qualify" for and they won't expedite people even if they have been strapped to a gurny hallucinating from mental anguish...ok so this bullet point will be called the crappy government rant....to be continued.........

The RAW truth is that, not only do I have a craving to cut myself, I fantasize about becoming catatonic...its one of those non-selfish cravings if you get what I'm saying...I just don't want to use my voice or move or function...did I mention I am a singer and all around performer...yeah complete contrast...

So, again, I am A. Afraid to sleep B. Obsessed with my rituals C. I don't want tomorrow to come because THERE IS NO POINT.

I am so glad I have my son but sometimes I even want him to go away TERIBBLE!!!!!!!!  I just wish this would stop.  I applied for 19 jobs today...so hopefully that will help but at the same time it has delayed the rituals and I hope I can fall asleep before 3. 

Outburst:  DAMMIT I went to College and I have so much work experience!!!!!!!  I will be damned if I have to start all over again!!!!!!!!  kjgaornhgoaiern;WEKJGF!!!!!!!!

p.s. Dr. "I" increased my Lamictol to 400 mg a day so hopefully I can calm the BLEEP down.

Ridiculous Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

Devil's Dance

Driving home from the Dr. is usually a peaceful drive home...its the drive to the Dr. that is filled with anxiety.  Today was different.  It wasn't necessarily a bad visit but I had a mental block until it was time to leave...I couldn't possibly speak in chronological order touch every point.  Ultimately it resulted in extreme frustration and anger!


I went to the car and started to cry and shake.  "What the HELL?" I yelled.  I have been doing so well lately.  It took an hour just to leave the parking lot...I had no tissues, my eyes were red, and I punched the steering wheel as others passed by...


During that time I realized that I had let so much out in such a short period of time.  After my outbursts I need that feeling of closure on the topic before moving on to the next part of the day.  Horrible thoughts began to circle my mind.  I started to sweat.  I asked myself, "How do I knock myself out for 3-5 days straight?  I don't think I want to end my life forever...maybe just for a bit..."  And so, the "dance" began.  "I could eat a bottle of xanex and I would wake up in 4-6 hours or OD...I don't think I want to OD...Do I?  I don't know.  OR I could take a bunch of benadryll with it but I would still have feelings...feelings suck today...definitely don't want that...I guess I will brain storm on what I can do to relieve this pain without cutting...


Finally I had to get a grip and grimace the 25 minute drive home.  I didn't even want to drive at all.  Reluctantly, I pulled out of the parking lot and hit the interstate...the bad thoughts began to circle at a rapid pace.  I wasn't thinking about my favorite people/animals.  I wasn't being selfish either...I just wasn't thinking.  So that was it....There is a huge truck in the lane next to me...3......2......1.....the car slowly moves to the left lane.  I slam my hand on the dashboard and brace for impact....and then.........the radio turns on LOUD.  It's my favorite song...still moving the 4-door death trap into the truck I start screaming/singing along on complete impulse...It was so strong it yanked me back into the right lane....how did I get to my exit? 

I call my BFF (That would be her foot)

and I compile a hot mess of a list of why I shouldn't have tried to make my permanent escape...I said "What was I thinking?!  I mean what about my cat, my son, my wife, you, and my dad AND NOT IN ANY PARTIULAR ORDER!  She sighs theatrically and it was exactly the reaction I wanted and the exact reaction I knew I would get...

Right now:  I'm OK I guess...I don't know...what does OK mean?

Devilish Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

"The Breakdown, The Home, and The Indian"

I think its safe to introduce you guys to a "happy" little place I call "The Home."  I came up with this cute little nickname from my "Great-Grandmother from another mother," Estelle Getty...Yep, I have seen almost every episode of the "Golden Girls" just like every other...ummm...teenager.  Estelle played Sophia and referred to "Shady Pines" retirement facility as such...she often talked about trying to "bust out of the joint." 

Whatever, dude.  I'm not embarassed.  That show is funnier than shit.

"The Home" is actually the Psych Ward.  Ward #3 to be exact.  I was told, "you should be in Ward #2 because of your extreme psychotic break; however, you talk too much and most of the people in that section already hear voices.  They don't need to listen to you too...and that is a FACT" (insert Punjabi, indian dialect). 

Sooo...I'm in bad physical shape because I told "Dr. I" that morning that I needed to release 50% of my blood from my body because my mother is evil...I am 50% of her and I want it out....you get the irrational picture...

Anyways, bleeding, shaking, talking crazy, shouting...I AGREE to go to this place to "get better."

"You will not be cured.  You are on a journey and must meditate and think about what you have done and that is a FACT blah blah blah (Ok so whenever it ends with the word "fact" speak to yourself in an Indian accent...It's the same guy...p.s. I love him)

It smells like hospital.  It looks like a very clean Dr. Office but with little orphanage beds...two beds per room.  It's overwhelming...so I do what I do best...I talk...talk...I think I didn't pause until I had to pee 2 hours later.  I'm confused...they are showing me my room...something about having a roomate and taking my shoelaces out of my shoes...  So after the grand tour (It's only two hallways, one conference room, one office, a nurse's station complete with pills I want to eat and.....A CLASSROOM?  But in the movies they get to walk up and down the hall twitching in a hospital gown and sleep alot.  Like a lot of sleeping and medication and television and resting and more sleeping..and and and...STOP!  The classroom doors open and I see my neighbors for the first time...WTF! Are there CRAYONS in that CLASSROOM?  So this is what happens next...all of a sudden you're "normal" again and SNAP out of it.  Get me out!  Please!  I don't belong here (uh yeah I totally did).

I meet the following people:

Male, 60's, talks only about the war
girl, very young, dissapointment to her parents
Female, late 20's, cigarette burns all over her arms...very friendly.
Woman, age unknown, growls like tiger...nevermind.
Super tiny woman with a feeding tube...anorexic...refused to eat so the Dr. jammed a bag of "Ensure" in her stomach...very hard to keep a straight face.
Female, a lot like me, starting lithium and takes vicodin for her back...great sense of humor...scars on neck and feet.
A few other guys and gals that are unemployed, trying to beat the system, and need a warm bed...ridiculous.

The Food:

Good.  We were only allowed to use "Sporks"...quite possibly the funniest rule on the planet.  You were graded on how well you ate by a little nurse.  Did I mention the food was good?  Kinda like a restaraunt...and then...SHIT!  The manager of the "restaraunt" is someone I know.  SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  No wonder she never told me where she worked!  The last three days I only remember dinner...she worked days...I hid behind a wall...I almost failed breakfast...The guy from war was in on my secret and he would do a "stop drop and roll" with his tray that had an extra bagel for me so I could recieve a "C"

The Schedule:

Booked Schedule 8:00 a.m. - 9:45 p.m. Crazy people do not like surprise knocks on the doors and the lights flipped on FOR THEM like CAMP in the morning.  I am not a bitch.  This made me a bitch.  Good News is that my wife had to bring me ear plugs because my "Roomate" snored like a Friggin' fighter jet ready for take off.  I made fun of her with my new "friends" on day two snorting like a pig and she caught me.  Later that evening I was told that she said she was going to kill me in my sleep...ironic...I wasn't the one sleeping....Ok I'm off track.  The schedule was Breakfast, morning "what do we want to accomplish" discussions, Break, Snack time (yep...you heard me), another class that coincided with the day of the week, "Quiet time" with our journals, lunch, 2 more classes, break (with a snack...duh), another class, Dinner, 1 class, closing discussion, lights out.  meds at 8,12,5,and 9:30.  If you leave your room in the middle of the night for a walk just to get away from...I don't know...a foghorn...you will meet 3rd shift.  3rd shift is a very cranky female nurse playing solitare and a very young, ugly and horny male nurse watching DVDs on the company computers.  They got each others back; therefore, you have now pissed the bitch off and she says get back in your room...suddenly I am a 9-year old. 

I must add that the day shift and evening shift nurses were lovely.  One of them was even bipolar type 1 and had literally been on our side of the fence.  I learned a lot but I needed a mother-trucking vacation when I left.  I am way to extroverted for "The Home."  I listened to everyone's story and, of course, I wanted to heal the world, fix everyone's problem, and skip around in a manic frenzy.  Yeah...one day I skipped...I was bored!  (Humph!)

Release:

Sounds easy.  Takes forever.  "Good morning, what have you learned?  You can do nothing with the past.  You are in the present and the future means nothing because it is not here yet.  Your illness means you need to be CONCIOUS 100% of the TIME in the PRESENT...I see that it is a fact you have spent many hours taking classes on facts and the fact is that you can leave today...your wife pick you up?  Is that a fact?"   (RRRRGGG I love you....just stop say FACT!)

Then there is the paperwork that takes...2 hours? I call my reliable other half to come get me.  Then she has to wait another hour at the release station...we leave...pizza...the end.

The moral of this story is before you have a psychotic break remember this blog so that you don't expect a trip to the movie set of, "Girl Interupted."

The End. 

psy·cho·sis

Psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

The first time this occurs it may be referred to as a "psychotic break."  If it happens again it is eventually referred to as psychosis.

Sooooooooo...........

I am in what I would like to call a "psychosis haze" right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone (unless it is electronically) and I am back to eating more than my stomach can hold in order to avoid cutting.  I snapped about 36 hours ago...I knew it was coming because my insomnia has been back for quite some time and my mania has been full throttle and my low moments have been absolute darkness.  I am completely drugged at the moment...but....with a twist.

The following has medicinally occured today.......

• 9 Xanex (I have passed out on 27 before so...whatever...I know I'm wrong...no need for a lecture)
• 3 Benadryl (it adds a little kick to the X
• 2 glasses of cherry diet dr. pepper with a splash of vodka...I then took a nap
• Woke up and took 1 Tylenol PM, 1 Benadryl, and 1 Xanex

So...to the hardcore pill popper...not to horrifying, but this is typical for me when psychosis sets in.  On a normal day I only take 4mg of Xanex even tho the Dr. has prescribed 5mg per day.  I guess I am subconciously saving up for a rainy day...oh wait...it didn't rain today.

If I were in a full blown psychotic state I wouldn't be able to type this.  However, I find a strange solace in "blog land." 

Finally, everyone is pissed off at my "poor" behavior in the house.  I want to be alone for like 5 days but they are all worried I would slice myself open and unless I eat the rest of the kitchen I probably would.  I don't like the effects of Xanex, actually, it isn't very fun.  I find it to be extremely necessary but when I take a bit of cough syrup, allergy medicine, and top it off with a sleeping pill I can get through like 6 hours completely numb and productive....sigh....next week I will be bitching on here about how manic I am and some new diet craze. 

I feel my buzz wearing off....

So, AGAIN, it takes 5 seconds to create a user name...SHARE your experiences, fears, and ideas with me!

Maniacle Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

The Burning Question

A lot of people ask about my past and present experiences with "cutting."  I know it is a scary topic so I typically change the subject.  As I said in my first blog...I am not holding back on anything.  It would be impossible to relate or to share common experiences with the people that I inform or share the same pain with unless I put it all out there.

Most of the blogs that people tell me to read about are stories about perfect lives doing perfect things blah blah blah.  You are going to get a lot of stomach turning, crazed, shit here, my friend.

Past:  The rush!  All of a sudden my heart stops hurting and the pain is transferred to my torn flesh.  Bones are bruised and I begin to grin as my tears shoot out of my eyes like a machine gun.  The creepy giggle!  As I rapidly glide the blade down the area of choice.  Slowly I notice the glide has turn into violent slams.  The rage!  I am attacking the people that hurt me AND attacking the people I love. I leave my body and at this point I am watching.  I mean, I would feel it if it were actually happening right?  Nope, I have become numb.

Present:  Knowledge of all of the previous mentioned.  Just as any other addict I count to see how long I can go without doing it again.  I hate scars because I want to be that girl everyone says is "sexy."  I contemplate re-opening the wounds that have already become scars.  When I relapse, it gets harder to look at each time.  I whisper under my breath, "I'm a horrible mother...no one loves me, they just worry about me...I am a bad wife."...and for some reason I also chant, "I'm a bad housekeeper." 

So this is the crap I get asked...

Why do you do it?  It morbidly amuses me.  I justify it until it sounds comepletely normal!  I have a lot of hate that I hide on the inside.  I have NO PATIENCE.  I am completely self-centered, and last but not least it is a transfer of PTSD and prevents my panic attacks from an ANXIETY DISORDER.

Still confused by my answer...especially the last one?  Sorry, dude, I guess you can go to a forum and read about other people then...

Here is the sick part...I am a bubbly and happy person.  Very outgoing.  I don't know why I have this weird internal anger.  I don't know why I am selfish.  I don't know why I demand things from the people I love.  If any of you have insight or CAN RELATE.  Please COMMENT!

Bloody Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

I have what?!!!!

Welcome to this hot mess!  This first little snippit of "joy" will be quick.  You can expect the following from me...

• The truth as I percieve it (with the occasional link that has actual facts)
• An inconsistency in behavior, mood, and/or actions
• I WILL NOT DUMB DOWN OR HIDE ANYTHING.  I will; however, do my best to tame my mouth...but this page may not be for you if you see the occasional swear word and freak out
• I love to inspire people; however, you can expect the RAW and UNCUT side of me to come out.  That's the only way we can learn from each other...but, I still try to be positive...sometimes.
• I encourage TONS of feedback because I am all over the place

OK, so I may edit the above if the dynamics of the blog change but for now this should be sufficient.  I am going to give you some background info on me just so you can connect on that other level...

I come from a nice middle class, yet broken home.  There were a lot of mistakes made by my parents (some quite sick) and I made a few bad choices (during their messy divorce) but got through most of the crap until one hot summer day when I was raped at the age of 16.  I was raped by a boy and I am a lesbian so that messed me up...I began to cut myself regularly.  Also, I thought I was Bi after that and I thought no one loved me.  I ended up having my first and only son when I turned 20.  His Dad was on the REAL bad drugs and I didn't know...he abused, manipulated, and molested me regularly.  I left within a year of the abuse and finally pieced my life back together...The cutting stopped as quickly as it started.

I fell in love with the love of my life right before I turned 23; however, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder II and then I and then we jokingly (love my psych) called it Bipolar 1.5 LOL.  I had psychotic episodes before I could even get regulated on my meds and ended up in the psych ward for 5-days.  I had bad reactions to approx. 4 medications before we found the right fit..but not without going to the psych ward for a 2nd time...It wasn't scary and I occasionally have fantasies about going back...crazy. 

So much more for us to discuss together!  (I'm excited) I promised that this would be short and already went nuts so Ciao for now!

Lamictol 150mg 2 times a day
Xanex 5mg per day
Trazadone 50mg per night
(Just quit 300mg Welbutrin...we shall C on that one)

TRUTHABOUTCRAZY