Identity Crisis

Those were the days....

Or was it the beginning?

We were on the way back from a 4hr trip to the Casino.  It was a blast.  My friends all had a bit of Casino induced mania that I would actually categorize as "almost normal."  We had so much fun!  Most of us actually came out on top and even paid for food and gas on the way home...

I began to realize that the simple mood stabilizer and 1-2 benzos a day were possibly not enough.  The slight mania resulted in a cycle down to a super low, and if my memory serves me right, I painted a lot of my friends house immediately after the low.  The abstract work has been referred to as, "a scene out of a horror movie."

Let's fast forward a few months later.  The Dr. bumps me up to double the mood stabilizer (300 mg of Lamictal or Lamatrigne) and three 1mg xanax per day (one every 6-8 hrs).  I started to freak out because I didn't want to climb the painful ladder of abusing medication.  I attempted to take matters into my own hands and skipped doses regularly.  It caused me to end up in the psych ward (see previous post for additional information).

Additional medicine was required during that visit.  I had dreams of getting lost in orange pill bottles, the sound pills make in my purse. I often skipped what I think I don't need, and then Waking up in withdrawal.  Vomiting was a regular occurrence due to inconsistent ingestion of meds, non-stop panic attacks.  So I would try to overcompensate by taking 1/3 of my bottle 3-4 bennadryl (allergy medicine) and sleeping pills during the day...

I loved that slowed down, nodding off, head rolling, feeling (some of you may have felt this).  I lost my job, didn't give a shit, and continued to consult wit my Psych. about bumping up meds or changing them up. 

Due to all of the changes I ended up having SEVERAL allergic reactions and sluggish reactions.  I tried to drain my blood out of all of my veins because I had a psychotic break and thought my mom poisoned me.  My mom is "loony" but she wouldn't poison me.  THIS situation landed me back in the "home" or shall I say Psych Ward (see previous post). That about rounds out 2010 for me.

So now....I F'ing don't get it!  I worked a total of 2 months and collected 3 months of Unemployment in 2010...drained my savings but didn't do anything super dumb.  2011, so far, I have worked a total of 6 months, and now the microscope from my entire family is on me....My band that made a few bucks here and there and hit it big at the "Smokehouse" and the "Exit/Inn" However, we broke up in April due to very positive reasons.  I'm not mad at them...I miss them dearly and I became extremely depressed.

Lets quickly fast forward to 2011.  So I have tripled my work activity and the year is not over yet.  I have loved ones breathing down my neck for my next move and a tiny amount of money.  In other words, my safe and carefree lifestyle is done with (for now).  If it weren't for the 3 benzos (xanax) I just took, I would be punching things and screaming (and of course unable to type).

So I have calculated something priceless:  I am miserable now.  I was miserable at the previous job that had an hour commute there and the same back.  BUT, If I was miserable then, now, who gives a shit what job I take...I am pissed at "Corporate America," So, tomorrow, it might be a scam, but I have an interview tomorrow about 20 minutes from my house.  I do not want this job, I do not like the genre, but I am going to check out the location and just go for it.  I can't lose anything, I can only gain insight.  The first 19 weeks are a salary, reliable check, and then there is some other structure but it will pay the bills and get my wife off my back.  It may be a scam.  BUT unless I start leaving my house and actually checking things out for myself, then I will never know.  I am tired of people getting on my case and I am tired of Looking for an answer at the bottom of a bottle. 

I'm forced into misery at home, my "friends" are dropping like flies, and I want everyone off my case.  So by the end of the week, if I am not working for a boutique, restaurant, or whatever I am going to tomorrow...I am going to do something to SHUT EVERYONE UP!

THE END,

TruthAboutCrazy

Back to Work...

I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Feed the sickness.
So deserving; undeserving.
Tiny voices in my head.

I try so hard to not try hard.
Feel the sickness.
So beautiful that its not wanted.
Want to hide under my bed.

I'm so strong; I'm so weak.
My "big girl" future is looking bleak.
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Familiar voices in my head.

Sooo...

How the hell are ya'll doing? 

I recieve a gift.  A gift of opportunity, coincidence, and discomfort all rolled into one.  I am working in a very high profile office performing a very high profile job where a neat and tidy appearance, mentality, and approach is everything....everything that I "used to be."

I accepted this gift because I am working for an amazing company with the top reputation for getting people jobs.  I'm a bleeding heart and so naturally I wanted to take this job. I couldn't find a job so naturally I can empathize.  Of course there are major standards, corporate requirements, and I have to market myself...It's wonderful, actually, but my disorder is lurking around every corner.  I only want to cry during the most inconvenient time!  I want to quit at least once a day because I am overwhelmed and I feel inferior.  I am working with these STRONG women with a clear vision of their lives, etc. etc.

Bottom Line:  I happen to be fortunate enough to have the "potential" of being the best.  This is what I have been told anyway...but when I am told something like that, my brain translates this into, "You are an idiot, go home, and never show your face in this high profile town again."

It's just too fast!  I didn't even know that I would interview on Friday and start on Monday...I had no time to prioritize, no "fun money" to buy new clothes and I just somehow show up in a suit and kick ass...I don't want to kick ass because then I get all of this attention...thats the other problem...I love attention...but I don't want it.  I can't stop dreaming about a car speeding down the road and hitting a wall.

I can't stop obsessing over the fact that no one is at the house now and I should be in it...I never really wanted to leave it but it's obvious that I was quickly developing agoraphobia...

I don't know how to end this blog so I'm just going to go off to bed...my head is swimming, I'm so glad Friday has arrived, and I hope I am atleast 50% awake tomorrow.  I'm not asking for pity or anything...I just can't stop envisioning this puppy dropped off in a fancy neighborhood trying to find someone to love him even though he is beat up a bit and doesn't look thin, well manicured, and promising...sick part is that I grew up in that fancy town and thats where the dysfunction began...we shall see I suppose.

I need my happy place!!!!!!!!!!!