Back to Work...

I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Feed the sickness.
So deserving; undeserving.
Tiny voices in my head.

I try so hard to not try hard.
Feel the sickness.
So beautiful that its not wanted.
Want to hide under my bed.

I'm so strong; I'm so weak.
My "big girl" future is looking bleak.
I'm so happy; I'm not happy.
Familiar voices in my head.

Sooo...

How the hell are ya'll doing? 

I recieve a gift.  A gift of opportunity, coincidence, and discomfort all rolled into one.  I am working in a very high profile office performing a very high profile job where a neat and tidy appearance, mentality, and approach is everything....everything that I "used to be."

I accepted this gift because I am working for an amazing company with the top reputation for getting people jobs.  I'm a bleeding heart and so naturally I wanted to take this job. I couldn't find a job so naturally I can empathize.  Of course there are major standards, corporate requirements, and I have to market myself...It's wonderful, actually, but my disorder is lurking around every corner.  I only want to cry during the most inconvenient time!  I want to quit at least once a day because I am overwhelmed and I feel inferior.  I am working with these STRONG women with a clear vision of their lives, etc. etc.

Bottom Line:  I happen to be fortunate enough to have the "potential" of being the best.  This is what I have been told anyway...but when I am told something like that, my brain translates this into, "You are an idiot, go home, and never show your face in this high profile town again."

It's just too fast!  I didn't even know that I would interview on Friday and start on Monday...I had no time to prioritize, no "fun money" to buy new clothes and I just somehow show up in a suit and kick ass...I don't want to kick ass because then I get all of this attention...thats the other problem...I love attention...but I don't want it.  I can't stop dreaming about a car speeding down the road and hitting a wall.

I can't stop obsessing over the fact that no one is at the house now and I should be in it...I never really wanted to leave it but it's obvious that I was quickly developing agoraphobia...

I don't know how to end this blog so I'm just going to go off to bed...my head is swimming, I'm so glad Friday has arrived, and I hope I am atleast 50% awake tomorrow.  I'm not asking for pity or anything...I just can't stop envisioning this puppy dropped off in a fancy neighborhood trying to find someone to love him even though he is beat up a bit and doesn't look thin, well manicured, and promising...sick part is that I grew up in that fancy town and thats where the dysfunction began...we shall see I suppose.

I need my happy place!!!!!!!!!!!