HATE

I don't have to seek out drama...it always finds me. (haha...whatever)  *rolls eyes*


(2 days later and I still shudder from the pain)


Quietly, I sneak into the pub a few minutes late for a laid back night of poker, beer, and meaningless conversation.  An even tempered acquaintance of mine who only knows a bit about my illness, invited me to the game. 


I've been there before...no issues.


What the people I play cards with don't know (and I don't expect them to), is that a shower, an outfit, makeup, a benzo to calm me down, dinner made for the kiddo, and babysitter are required for me to leave the house. 


Then, I have to make it past the door. (yikes!)


So, I actually accomplish the previously mentioned.  I get into the car (it is still twilight).  I pull out of the driveway and anxiety smacks me in the face. I'm already in the car, I know the drill, just drive.  With every curve and every hill I hold my breath.  BUT, I know exactly where I am going (I tell myself that every time I start to freak out).  I'm late by only a few minutes so its cool. 


I arrive.  Time for beer, talking smack, and playin' poker.  I wave hello to my friend and we start to play.  Everyone is having a good time.  Just like any other Texas Hold'em tournament, as people get knocked out the tables diminish and people shift around.  Someone, with a slightly familiar face, joins our table.  Hey! we all say and without skipping a beat, we deal him in, and the game continues on. 


By this time we have all built a slight rapport and a nice little buzz from the booze.  New Dude, tries to play catch up with the rapport building and takes a slight jab at me. (Someone else) asked me if my husband was playing cards that night too. 


Side note:  I am not embarrassed about being GAY!  In fact, we are the type of couple that goes about are business just like anyone else whether we are in the store or at home; however, drunk guys ask 500 billion questions about lesbians.  The conversation takes forever! So, Just for one night.  I wanted to blend in with everyone else and just relax:::::::::::


He could tell that I smoothly answered the question with, "This is my night out.  Its healthy to be in a relationship if each person has a bit of their own thing occasionally."


IMMEDIATELY:  He jumps in and said NO, that guy meant to say, "How is your wife?"  I quickly looked at a tough dude at the table and back at him and say, "hahahaha you are so silly I didn't hear half of whats going on...lets talk later."  Smiling, I eventually finished my time in the game and walked away.


Round 2: 30 minutes later.  I have time for a snack and to check on the baseball game and then sign in and play.  I sit at a different table than that little TWIT.  While playing I overhear someone say, "I hate when that guy is here...hopefully he leaves early...he's already been kicked out twice."


I remain cautious and carefully choose my next table....Eventually, the players diminish and he ends up NEXT TO ME!!!  I begin to start kicking butt and I have a good chance of winning; however, TWIT continues to get drunk, obnoxious, and just plain ridiculous.  He jabs at a few others (honestly he held his liquor well). 


He then turns to me and starts saying, "Did you and your wife split up...what is going on?" 


At this point I just decide to be very honest but speak quietly.  I said to him, "I just want a day to blend in and take a break from all the Lesbian hype.  The questions, the jokes, the...."  HE CUTS ME OFF


It flips, and he decides to start mocking me.  The attack begins when someone asked him if he served in the armed forces for our country. (He still does) He says, "Yeah, but I got kicked out for slowly lubing up my body in the morning and prancing around in rainbow underwear." (Glaring at me the whole time).  I said, "that sucks."  ::::I don't want to egg him on and it was a lame joke::::


No one laughs, kind of gets uncomfortable, and blows it off.  Obviously, he sees that AGAIN he is not the damn center of attention.  He slowly whispers in my ear, "What's wrong with your vagina?  Is it damaged or retarded?  Whats wrong with you that makes you want a woman?"


I cannot help to look at him with disgust (looking back he was craving that).


It continues, "You're embarrassed by her, that's why she isn't here."  I shake my head and roll my eyes. "Gay people are so queer."


Now remember, no one at the table really knows what the hells is going on so one guy speaks up and says, "I thought you said something about getting kicked out of the Navy....." He cuts him off and yells, "Are we playing a game or what?!"  While the cards are being dealt he says, "How do you know that friend of yours here...you guys would make a great FUCK couple."  I told him that we used to work together and that he is friends with a few of my friends. 


I block him out for about 20 minutes and stare straight at the game.  I am focused, trying, to pay for my tab, and, well shit I love poker and that is why I drove there!  In my head I think THIS IS MY NIGHT some stupid guy who possibly hates gays is not going to ruin it.  I have never let it stop me before...


Out of nowhere I feel warm breathe on my ear...steamy...very close...I hear, "What's your problem lady queer?  Can't take the heat.  Why are you being so cold?"


I'm uncomfortable.  1 tear streams down my eye, lips pursed, I continue to ignore him.  Giving him what he wants won't work.  For the next ten minutes I fight back the "ugly cry."  He is screaming at a girl that he calls his wife and says, "I'm almost sober bitch, get me a shot!"  He waits for her to leave and turns to me again and says, "PUSSY!"  The "P" produced a large amount of saliva as he lunged at me and it landed on my ear.  He begins to laugh loudly.  Another tear streams from the other eye...at this point I really thought someone would notice...the guys at the table don't know if we are playing or if he is being mean to me. 


Someone gets up and grabs the manager and said, "There's a girl crying...I'm not sure why."  The manager said she would be back in a few minutes.  After all, crying drunk women are a dime a dozen.  I fold my hand and get up from the table and run to a different room to tell my friend that I really don't want to start trouble but I am beginning to get angry and I needed him to back me up...he saw the tears and went over to the guy and had words.  He said it was OK to go back and the guy was going to apologize for being disorderly and his poor judgement. 


There is no apology.  He just yells, "Everyone I'm done I'm done I'm done....FOR REAL"  He stops talking so I said I appreciate the peace and I am fine as long as nothing continues.  The other folks and I begin to laugh and carry on.  He can't stay quiet any longer and looks at me and snaps, "Queer!  Bitch!  You stupid slut.  You have to run and tell your friend BULLSHIT!  I never did anything except sit here and mind my own business! (ummm no)


He spat on me again and called me a bitch right when the Manager came to the table and asked what was wrong.  I told her I didn't want to start any problems and that I had to leave.  She asked again and I become faint and before I take the easy route and fall.  I run out of the bar like someone that stole something.  Hysterically crying and shouting its not fair. 


The Bouncer tried to stop me from crying.  I stopped for him.  Told him.  He said that spitting and 2 hours of harassment was a hate crime and asked me if I wanted to call the police.  I said I just want to go home (screechy cry) and I grab the hand rail.  A witness came out and stated he didn't know what was going on because he didn't know why the guy was yelling to begin with and thought he was just being a weirdo saying stuff that didn't make sense.  I turn to the bouncer and say, "I'm leaving now to call my partner."


It took me 30 minutes to collect myself and leave the parking lot.  Yes, I cry a lot.  But I was actually in shock.  Did I really get saliva all over the side of my face and called every name in the book.  I grabbed a tissue and wiped the right side of my face...


Sure enough..........It did happen.


::::::::I would like to say that although I wasn't punched or kicked, I had a small taste of a hate crime.  My heart goes out to all of you that have experienced much worse for being GAY.  I have never felt more disgusting and in need of shower since the day I was raped.  VICTIMS (no matter what kind) should never have to be forced to feel disgusting because someone else hurt you mentally o physically.  We must stand tall and push through it!:::::::


I'm glad I came home to my wife and her cousin.  I cannot say with confidence that I wouldn't have beat the shit out of myself that night, or worse, without the support.


Say NO to Hate,


Truthaboutcrazy