Hmmm...that news article looks interesting...let's take a look...
(As I read) I wonder why my heart is pounding? I'm completely relaxed. I was in good company tonight. Did I take my meds on time? Yep. Perfect. My heart feels funny. This article is really good and I can completely relate to it.
I think I am having a panic attack. What time is it? Where am I?
I close my eyes and I am no longer in my home. I open my eyes and I am. So, I am not blacking out, hallucinating, etc. This must be a memory. So, I close my eyes again and I realize I am in my grandmother's old house. I am about 6 years old and I am playing in the spare bedroom that no one goes in too often. It smells kind of dusty. I am laying on a bed on my stomach playing with some old toys my dad used to play with when he was a kid. She saved almost all of the toys. The toys were some army toys, a bunch of minature telephones and one large rotary phone. It was a marigold like color. One of the little phones was baby blue (wow I just remembered that).
::I am the oldest female in the new generation of family members. My cousin, he, is the oldest::
As I play with my toys I realize that I am not alone. We are playing together. It's fun. We are talking into the little phones and then hanging up and answering a different one. We are giggling. After all, I am only 6 and he is 9 (I think) maybe 10 or 11.
Our family was in the kitchen cooking...we are Italian so that means 9 people crammed into a tiny kitchen arguing while then men watch football.
Next, he suggests this weird game that I vaguely remember. Something about answering the phone and if I answer the one that he was thinking of I win. The prize was a kiss. "OK," I said. After all, I have seen family members do that so big deal. Right? Well finally I win...or something...my memory is a blur. He leans in and gives me a kiss. I turn my cheek for a family friendly kiss on the cheek.
Ummmm....yeah....that wasn't the plan and this is where the following gets really difficult to share (in fact, this is the 14th hour and 3 panic attacks since I began typing).
He leaned his head in and kissed me on the mouth. I giggled uncomfortably and was urged to keep on playing. The door was closed. The game continued. The roles were changed and I was asked to kiss him. Again, I went for the cheek (remembr I am 6 and I don't quite know what is "appropriate"). He turned his head and lightly grabbed the back of mine. His lips were wet. He kissed me again and again. No tounge. Then we go back to being silly and playing the game. Only this time the large telephone was incorporated into the game. More kissing. I push back. I feel uncomfortable...
The following is a bit explicit. Also, I am not quite sure what sparked this.
He became angry with me and told me that I made him sad and disappointed. Then....he reached for the large phone......grabbed the handle and simultaneously (firmly) placed me on my back.....opened my legs slightly and started ramming me in the crotch with the phone...multiple times...he told me I liked it....it was brief and then it finally ended...I didn't yell because he told me I liked it. Why? WHY? Why did I like this?
He left the room and told me to clean up my toys. I did. I was NOT the perfect kid but I knew my parents would be upset with me if I didn't clean up my toys. I had a few tears in my eyes; however, the confusion superseded all other emotion. Why my crotch? Hmmmm...other than going potty, I don't quite understand the purpose of my crotch. That kissing thing was really odd. I want to tell someone. I see married people kiss on the lips but not kids....
"Mommy...Daddy...." (later that evening in private) "My cousin kissed me." I said. "Awww...how nice dear...he loves you." mom said. "Is that why it was on the lips a lot?" I whimpered. "What?! NO. I don't know what he was thinking...that's not right." mom said. ::Dad whispered:: "Don't freak out in front of her...it will scare her." he said. "Don't let that happen again!" Mom yelled.
Great. I did something wrong and they are mad at me.
After that, I didn't see him. As the years progressed, an incident that just seemed odd at the time, the thoughts began to fade away. However, when I was 14 and visiting my uncle, he was there for the summer. I was spending the weekend with my uncle because my parents were having some adult time I suppose. My cousin immediately had a sparkle in his eye. By that time, I was developed and beginning to look like a woman. The second we were alone he grabbed a magazine and opened it up to a page with a bunch of submissive girls on their knees, stuff on their face, and a penis. He asked me if I had started giving boys my age blow jobs yet and if I liked it. (I was cornered and this happened very quickly). I walked away and told him to leave me alone. "I am not about to talk about this bullshit with my cousin."
A few hours later when I was alone again gettig ready in the guest room for the family to go somewhere. I heard some rap music. I'm not against any type of music. I just had never heard that song before. I stepped outside of the guest room and he was listening to some hardcore song about blow jobs and he was rubbing and massaging his crotch...I immediately turned for the bathroom and vomitted...he got the picture....and stayed away from me. He has continued to not contact me for the rest of my life...thank GOD.
NOW: I knew that he had tried to kiss me and I thought he was a weirdo. That was the only "imprint" left in my mind. Last night, I was reading an article about how self mutilation sometimes stems from childhood molestation, trauma, or any other abuse. I truly thought that my PTSD began with some horrible experiences I had when I was a late teen. I had no idea that this entire scenario had occured. LITERALLY, my brain spewed these thoughts out like an explosive. I couldn't stop it. It was like my brain said, "WAIT you need to know the whole story for once in your life."
I am in absolute shock. I was completely incapacitated today. I am not quite sure where to go from here. I am very thankful that this memory triggered when I was at home and not alone. We were able to take all the sharp objects out of the house and properly medicate me. Afterwards, my wife hid all of the medication. She did agree to leave me a few extra xanax, which is a first, but she knew immediately that this was the most devastating realization in my life. I was sodomized until I bled by a yellow rotary phone. There really is no point in pressing charges 21 years later, or even upsetting my parents. It is what it is. Maybe this acknowledgement of when the abuse began will help me move forward and maybe it won't. I have NO IDEA where to go from here except for the obvious...therapy. Now, I will be honest. I should probably be comitted after this trigger. I have not been able to control my breathing since I woke up this morning and I am freaking out but I am not suicidal. I have asked myself all day if I should commit myself again or not. As it stands right now, I am going to sleep on it, I guess. I literally keep seeing that phone everywhere I go. It is in every room. If I close my eyes, I see the phone. I can't escape it. Thank GOD cell phones don't look like rotary phones (lol). Otherwise I would be attacking everyone and their phones.
I went through EMDR if you have ever heard of it, you know that lasts about a year and you are supposed to go back to where it all began. Unfortunately, the trauma began before I remembered. Obviously EMDR did not work for me even though it works for a lot of people.
Man, I can't shake this. I am literally devastated right now!
In closing, I hope this helps someone and I hope this helps me cope too. All I am able to do is invest in is hope at this point.
100% truthfully yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
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