DEAR MAN

As most of you know I have embarked on a Journey called DBT aka Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.  I think it is IMPERATIVE that I share this gift with you guys because this therapy is not available in everyone's city.

DBT class can be taken by anyone but is highly recommended for those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  Per the DSM-IV us, BPD folks, have a few issues with our objectives on HOW TO GET WHAT WE WANT EFFECTIVELY AND WITHOUT THROWING A DAMN TEMPER TANTRUM...

So, before I dive in to the first of 5 important steps in the process I need to prep you guys!  There is a lot of homework and tons of acronyms that make your head spin.  This is such a gift though and even when I thought I couldn't do it, I finally put my guard down and really started to open up in last weeks session.

Ok, so the first acronym and one of the most important one's is called "DEAR MAN."

D: Describe

E: Express

A: Assert

R: Reinforce

M: Mindful

A: Appear Confident

N: Negotiate

When negotiating, or expressing yourself in the "right way" to get what you want FROM OTHERS you must...

Describe:  Describe the SITUATION (If necessary)

Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.  Stick to the facts.

Express:  Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation.

Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident.  Give a brief rationale while using phrases such as "I want" or "I don't want to" instead of "I need," "You Should," or "I can't"

For example:  Do not say "You should go wash the dishes" and instead say "I want" or "I would like for you to wash the dishes." The play on the worlds prompts a completely different response from the individual you are negotiating with.

Assert:  Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying "NO" clearly.

Remember in the DSM-IV.  BPD peeps tend to be unclear or feel extremely guilty about asking for what we want without guilt and we come off as unsure or uneducated by NOT ASSERTING.  Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask.  Assume that others cannot read your mind.  Don't expect others to know HOW HARD it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

Reinforce:  Reinforce or REWARD the person ahead of time by explaining CONSEQUENCES.

Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need.  Help the person feel goo ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want.  Reward him or her afterwards. 

Note:  Obviously don't give them presents like its christmas...verbal praise or showing genuine appreciation is fitting in this situation.

Mindful keep focused on YOUR OBJECTIVES (again, its ok to focus on your goal aka what you want)

Maintain your position.  Don't be distracted (by fear, self conciousness or an initial reaction)

• Ignore If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.  Don't respond to attacks. IGNORE DISTRACTIONS.  Just keep making your point.

Appear confindent:  Appear EFFECTIVE and COMPETENT

(Great for interviews or dealing with family members)  Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact.  No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, or saying "I'm not sure," etc.  OBVIOUSLY this one is hard and it is recommended that you practice.

Negotiate:  Be willing to GIVE to GET.  If you initially get pushback prepare a counter offer.  Example:  I would like for you to do the dishes today and I will do them tomorrow...I don't expect you to do it every day. (Just an example y'all).  Focus on what you want.

Turn the tables on the other person (not in a manipulative way) to get their take and include them in the decision making so that they feel that you did not strip them of their power.  Such as, "What do you think we should do?  I am not able to say yes in this situation so what can we do here.

(Most of this research is from The skills Training Manual for treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Lineham, 1993, The Guilford Press)

Ok, so now that we have the first acronym of many to come, REMEMBER, take the word SHOULD out of your vocabulary.  It's abrasive and combative and you will not get what you want.

SO MUCH MORE TO COME YOU GUYS.  I AM SO EXCITED AND I HOPE THIS HELPS US ON THIS JOURNEY!

DEAR MAN:  AS IF MENTAL ILLNESS WASN'T ENOUGH...NOW WE NEED TO MEMORIZE A BUNCH OF ACRONYMS...YAY...WOOO...UGH!

Respectfully Yours,

Trutaboutcrazy