Starting Over

Starting Over

I've got a smile and a two-face

When I'm not up front I'm disgraced

Believe, anything

Believe, anything

Believe, anything and suck my pride up

            

Regain my youth and steal yours too

I'm not on top but its overdue

Blame, everyone

Blame, everyone

Blame, everyone

To fill my conscience

So I'm starting over again

And this time it'll stick

because my sins are thick

And I'm looking forward within

Cause what's in a name

if the face is not the same

Adolescent and wasted space

Ignorance written on my face

Reward, everything

Reward, everything

Reward, everything to make me sleep well

Self indulgence is all I knew

When I suck it up it chokes you too

Breathe, anything

Breathe, anything

Breathe, anything,

The air is smoldering.

 

So I'm starting over again

This time its real. 

My sins are real

And I'm looking forward within

Can't wait to feel

Anything that is real.

**Truthaboutcrazy**

Returning to Reality

Hey there.

It's been several months since my last post.  I know.

My life has turned itself around completely.  Yeah, I still have some major issues to work through but I am in a much better place.

Why?

Well it's simple, actually.  Xanax is a bitch and I kicked its ass.

When?

Well it took about 5 months and 2 relapses.  But on Valentine's day I was done.  It was hell.  I am not going to lie.  But Benzos were about to be the death of me.  Falling asleep in the tub, eating them by the handfuls, going to the hospital.  I had no idea that any of my vital organs could have stopped at any time.

How?

While going through withdrawal my obsession with the drug grew stronger.  Cravings, muscle tremors, panic attacks, anger, mood swings, insomnia, and all that comes with Borderline Personality Disorder.  But after the death of several celebrities was blasted all over the news and it seemed as though Dr. Drew was on every single channel every single day, I decided that I couldn't give up.  I DID NOT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC.  More importantly, I wanted to love myself again.

Conclusion:

I cannot fucking believe it.  I became MOTIVATED again!  I have started to workout regularly.  I am leaving my house again.  I worked up the courage to ask for an anti-anxiety medication that is NOT a benzo so that i can drive...and it works.  Not all of the time, it is still hard to get out, but its so much better than it was.  More importantly, my relationship with my partner is HOT HOT HOT.  Its like we are dating again.  Not perfect but so much better and filled with simple kindness that I was not expressing towards her.  My son and I are interacting again and its beautiful.

Everyday, I notice something else that has improved in my life.  I still have bouts of insomnia followed by crashing and I still have mood swings but at least I know I am strong enough NOT to give up.  When I am upset I am able to tell myself that it is all going to be OK.

So what is the best part?

I have not self harmed in 3 months!!!!!!

XOXO

Truthaboutcrazy

Xanny-Man

I'm going to explode.

My brain won't shut up.  I hate this circle jerk from hell.  It feels like I am on that spinning ride thing that you see at a carnival or some shit.  Around-and-around-and-around-and......

I call him the "Xanny-Man"

The little man in my head keeps chanting Xanax, Xanax, Xanax, Xanax.......some sort of voodoo witch doctor or something.  I am literally OBSESSED.  I can't stop thinking about it.  YES, I am thankful that I have severed all ties to Xanax, switched Dr.'s, etc.  But it's not enough! I am going to throw myself on the ground like a 2 year old and start kicking and screaming.  But when I scream I still hear the "Xanny-man" in my head!  I smashed my TV remote control on the coffee table like 20 times before it partially fell apart.  Still, the "Xanny-man" kept chanting.  Turned up music as high as it would go...I could still hear that fucker!

It would be so easy.

I fantasize about switching Dr.'s and getting Xanax again.  It would be so easy.  AND THEN I would prop my feet up, tilt my head back, and pop them in my mouth like M&M's.  Yummy Yummy Yummy.  Then I will sing like a bird and flip flop around the house until I pass out for 14 hours in a Xanax induced stupor.  Yum!

I had no idea.

I had no idea that the craving for Xanax would surpass every other craving I have ever had.  I had no idea that the spasms in my neck and esophagus would consume my self esteem.  I had no idea that I would twitch and blink like a crack head.

I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!

I am petrified to leave the house.  I don't want anyone to judge me, or stare at me because I would probably rip off my sleeve and chisel my wrists off in the middle of a public place.  This level of paranoia is almost deafening....

I always thought that addiction would be one thing I wouldn't have to worry about....I thought wrong.



Truthaboutcrazy

Judgement

I always wondered what made me act the way I do when interacting with others.  Especially when it has to do with first impressions, or speaking with beautiful or intelligent people.  People I have assumed that are better than me.

Obviously, I am very self conscious to the point were it is slightly unhealthy.  The mental breakthrough I had was far more complex than just realizing how self conscious I am.

I was sitting in DBT class.  DBT has developed into an important aspect of my life to the point where going isn't really an option; its more like a necessity.  However, the beginning of my epiphany occurred right before class when I was in therapy (both are at the same location which I love). 

We began discussing why I think that people are ALWAYS judging me.  I gave an example of how irrationally paranoid I get when I am driving and someone else is in the car.  I hold my breath and drive like an overly cautious 75-year old because I automatically think my driving is being judged.  However, the example I provided is mild compared to the rest of what I assume other people are judging me on. 

First, I was born with one dominant eye and one very weak eye.  Basically I rarely use both eyes when fixated on a specific object or having a conversation with someone.  Television causes my eyes to cross because the left eye basically says, "Fuck it, this is too difficult."  In addition, my eyes occasionally cross especially when I am tired.  It doesn't effect activities such as driving because my brain is very aware that I need to use both of them an my peripheral vision is "fine."  Driving at night is a bit difficult though.

Second, when I was in High School I auditioned and made the Dance Team (not to be confused with chearleading) and we performed and basketball games and at competitions.  After my freshman year I was told that I was too fat to make the team the following year so basically I was kicked off.  It was basically advertised that I was a fat ass all around the school and I was a huge joke...This cross-eyed girl that was a good dancer but too fat has been banned to dance for the school team.  I was horrified.  I obviously would have been fine if I just didn't make it but instead I was literally told "You are too fat to be on the team next year...we want taller, slender girls with smaller breasts that don't bounce."  I cried myself to sleep.  I had danced my whole life.  I didn't know I was considered to be a fat dancer.  I weighed 140 lbs with a muscular build.  I will say that my chest was "very well blessed."  But at that time, I didn't want my breasts.  I wanted to rip them off and throw them away. 

So, if that didn't sting enough, my anorexic mother told me she wanted to take me to get a breast reduction and put me on diet pills.  I did not get the reduction but I did do what my mom told me to do regarding the pills and was taking 12 pills a day (chromium, ephedrine, laxatives, and diuretics).  She also told me I should eat cabbage every day and when I got the shits she let me have a potato.  I did not lose that much weight.  I spiraled out of control and started ordering double lunches in the cafeteria, getting fast food and getting rid of the evidence, and when I was home, I would hide in the closet and eat.  I was so depressed that I started eating chocolate chips and butterscotch morsels for baking.  Sometimes I even hid and ate a bag of brown sugar or candy.  Basically, I became an "over eater" because my body was so confused and I was pretty fucked up in the head.  Since I was dancing 2-4 hours a day and weight lifting, I only gained like 5lbs and no one knew what I was hiding and doing.  The damage was done.  I have had an issue with food my whole life.  I can't stop at 2 cookies or 1 piece of pizza.  I have to coach myself to make correct decisions and count calories otherwise, and I'm not joking, I will eat 5,000 calories per day...sometimes more. 

I still fall off the wagon to this day because my brain just does not understand self control.  When I stopped working last year and was so depressed I quit exercising I gained 35lbs and QUICK.  I rarely got out of bed.  I still have issues today with over eating but I am back to exercising 4-5 days a week.  I've lost 4lbs and I don't care how long it takes to lose more, I want to make better decisions again without being obsessive.  I deserve to be healthy even though those women, including my mother, fucked me up in the head about my body image.

Last, I am constantly afraid of people looking at me because I am convinced they are judging me for my crooked teeth.  I still have a baby tooth and it jacked with the left side of my smile.  I don't want braces though because they are expensive and I don't want them to pull the baby tooth and have a hole in my mouth until brackets can pull the permanent tooth down.  I was already told it would take years.  I realize that its my decision to keep what I have but I am still self conscious about it. 

So, combine those three things (especially the second one) and I am convinced that every person I interact with is staring at my fat rolls, laughing at my crossed eyes, and grossed out by my teeth.  I have hated myself since all of this stuff happened over the years.  Miserable.  Embarrassed.  Just plain shitty.  I literally avoid eye contact or constantly move my hair around trying to cover one eye or put my hands in front of my mouth.  I look completely ridiculous and twitchy with all of this going on.  Then it snowballs into being embarrassed about being embarrassed and its a vicious circle continues.  I am actually annoyed by it. 

So I broke it down, made a list, and then had a conversation with myself in the mirror about how I can make an effort to change each of these issues or just accept the way I was made.  It's the beginning of this process, but I want to love myself again.  I truly hope it comes true because for the first time since I was diagnosed I think I deserve it.  Its about damn time that I broke this down and took a hard look at what causes my anxiety.  I am in control of so much more than I ever thought and I must say, its a pleasant surprise.

Thanks for listening,

Truthaboutcrazy

DEAR MAN

As most of you know I have embarked on a Journey called DBT aka Dialectal Behavioral Therapy.  I think it is IMPERATIVE that I share this gift with you guys because this therapy is not available in everyone's city.

DBT class can be taken by anyone but is highly recommended for those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  Per the DSM-IV us, BPD folks, have a few issues with our objectives on HOW TO GET WHAT WE WANT EFFECTIVELY AND WITHOUT THROWING A DAMN TEMPER TANTRUM...

So, before I dive in to the first of 5 important steps in the process I need to prep you guys!  There is a lot of homework and tons of acronyms that make your head spin.  This is such a gift though and even when I thought I couldn't do it, I finally put my guard down and really started to open up in last weeks session.

Ok, so the first acronym and one of the most important one's is called "DEAR MAN."

D: Describe

E: Express

A: Assert

R: Reinforce

M: Mindful

A: Appear Confident

N: Negotiate

When negotiating, or expressing yourself in the "right way" to get what you want FROM OTHERS you must...

Describe:  Describe the SITUATION (If necessary)

Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.  Stick to the facts.

Express:  Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation.

Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident.  Give a brief rationale while using phrases such as "I want" or "I don't want to" instead of "I need," "You Should," or "I can't"

For example:  Do not say "You should go wash the dishes" and instead say "I want" or "I would like for you to wash the dishes." The play on the worlds prompts a completely different response from the individual you are negotiating with.

Assert:  Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying "NO" clearly.

Remember in the DSM-IV.  BPD peeps tend to be unclear or feel extremely guilty about asking for what we want without guilt and we come off as unsure or uneducated by NOT ASSERTING.  Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask.  Assume that others cannot read your mind.  Don't expect others to know HOW HARD it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

Reinforce:  Reinforce or REWARD the person ahead of time by explaining CONSEQUENCES.

Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need.  Help the person feel goo ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want.  Reward him or her afterwards. 

Note:  Obviously don't give them presents like its christmas...verbal praise or showing genuine appreciation is fitting in this situation.

Mindful keep focused on YOUR OBJECTIVES (again, its ok to focus on your goal aka what you want)

Maintain your position.  Don't be distracted (by fear, self conciousness or an initial reaction)

• Ignore If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.  Don't respond to attacks. IGNORE DISTRACTIONS.  Just keep making your point.

Appear confindent:  Appear EFFECTIVE and COMPETENT

(Great for interviews or dealing with family members)  Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact.  No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, or saying "I'm not sure," etc.  OBVIOUSLY this one is hard and it is recommended that you practice.

Negotiate:  Be willing to GIVE to GET.  If you initially get pushback prepare a counter offer.  Example:  I would like for you to do the dishes today and I will do them tomorrow...I don't expect you to do it every day. (Just an example y'all).  Focus on what you want.

Turn the tables on the other person (not in a manipulative way) to get their take and include them in the decision making so that they feel that you did not strip them of their power.  Such as, "What do you think we should do?  I am not able to say yes in this situation so what can we do here.

(Most of this research is from The skills Training Manual for treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Lineham, 1993, The Guilford Press)

Ok, so now that we have the first acronym of many to come, REMEMBER, take the word SHOULD out of your vocabulary.  It's abrasive and combative and you will not get what you want.

SO MUCH MORE TO COME YOU GUYS.  I AM SO EXCITED AND I HOPE THIS HELPS US ON THIS JOURNEY!

DEAR MAN:  AS IF MENTAL ILLNESS WASN'T ENOUGH...NOW WE NEED TO MEMORIZE A BUNCH OF ACRONYMS...YAY...WOOO...UGH!

Respectfully Yours,

Trutaboutcrazy

Beautiful Scars

Beautiful Scars

(V1)
Little Heart
Don't you die
You were the only light
that kept my soul alive

Happy Tears
Why'd you fall
Now you can't feel
anything at all

(Pre-chorus)
And the people passing by say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've had everything."

(Chorus)
But a pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
You know, I thought she truly loved me,
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel
I Didn't know...
It would be so easy...
To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my face.



(V2)
Little girl
Don't you hide
Your scars are still beautiful
Even in my eyes.

Angry Tears
They never lie
There's a strength in you
It'll help you to survive

(Pre-Chorus)
Screw those people walking by that say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've been anything."

(Chorus)
But your pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
I tried to save the pieces
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel

I Didn't know it would be
so easy...

To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my...

:(Bridge):
Hanging from that pedestal
That was so high!

Used to be so strong and honest
Now you won't even try!

(Bridge 2)
Nobody's perfect...
Don't feel ashamed.

But you'll lose your loved ones...
Playin' that manipulative game.



(Repeat chorus)



Didn't want to walk away.
Didn't want to run away.

But to survive
Needed to revive
The missing smile...from...my...face...

I'm a Judgemental Bitch

Hey!  I haven't been blogging the past few weeks because I have developed a video blog project for YouTube.  But, I cannot live without typing out my thoughts instead of just blabbing to a web cam.  It's nice to have options...

Soo...let's get down to dishing the dirt in the land of crazy.  Sometimes I think craziness follows me.  Well, that and my poor or impulsive decisions.  The following story I wouldn't call a poor decision.  I much rather choose to call this an "impulsive" decision.  For those of you all who have not seen the vlog or have not been on twitter, I went to detox from benzos (xanax) last week.  Just looking over the time I spent writing about xanax, the poems, talking about it, etc. finally made me ask the question, "Who am I without the xanax?"  I take a bunch of other shit now, anyway and my Dr. is weaning me off of them so technically I needed to do this.  She suggested that I did it at home the slower way instead of doing it in a quick five days.  But, I am impatient and I always try to speed things up.

After carefully researching and going through my selection process I found a facility that would concentrate on my psychiatric needs while I detoxed from benzos the HEALTHY way.  What happened next couldn't possibly been made up by the best comedians on the planet....

I entered with a suitcase and a pillow.  Immediately I was approached with a stack of bullshit paperwork because that is exactly what crazy people on drugs want to do when they are about to detox.  It took a motherfucking 7 hours to get through all of the tests, examinations, and verbal abuse by a bunch of self absorbed case workers and IGNORANT nurses!

Intake:

• filled out paperwork until I thought my hand was going to fall off.  This was to be expected I was aware that intake was not a walk in the park
• Getting yelled at by a nurse because she didn't know what "co-occurring illness" meant. (even though it was on the brochure.
• When I told her I had Borderline Personality Disorder she said, "Well who am I talking to now?" and shook her head at me...I realized she didn't know what that meant either and that she thought I had multiple personality disorder.
• Advised the nurse the DSM-IV description of BPD and she actually told me I didn't know what I was talking about!

So after Intake and before the next dramatic situation I discuss I want to add that YES I did want to kill her but I had also made a promise to myself that I was going to keep my head down, lay low, and wasn't there to make friends.  I over talk so much when I am anxious that I just kept my mouth shut out of fear of starting off on the wrong foot....

My first impression:

• I couldn't help but to have an internal meltdown when my designated nurse told me she had just gotten out of prison "6 weeks ago." I guess I am a judgemental bitch because I became extremely paranoid.
• I met the other women.  50% prostitutes and 50% permanently damaged from EXTREME drug use.  They were as nice as they could be, I suppose, but I guess that's what makes me a judgemental bitch again.  I couldn't fathom walking the streets for drug money. (we are talking low class hookers folks...not escorts...lol).
• My understanding was that we would not chat about drugs the whole time because that makes the clock tick slower. I was incorrect because even the 4 nurses were talking about the "fun" times and such.
• I was asked if I had kids.  I said yes.  This old lady told me, "You'll be back here again and one day the state is going to take away your child for being fucked up.  Trust me!" If she didn't look so stupid and if I were in public I would have punched her in the fucking kidney.  So instead I bit my tongue off (sarcastic smile).
• My body began to go into withdrawal and I started twitching and getting faint.  My arms started to tingle and it felt like there were "bugs in my brain."
• I was given a tranquilizer, a plastic pillow,  4 other mystery pills, and told to go lay down until 6 a.m. (bullshit)

I Don't Understand (the following perplexed me):

• We went outside to a smoking area that looked more like a cage.  Completely visible to the street.  Although I had quit for the most part I shoved a ciggie in my face so damn fast.
• One of the girls starts making a bird noise, "CA CAW, CA CAW" like a fucking crow.
• I turn and look and there is a drug deal going on in the parking lot.  She was trying to "score" thru the chain link fence. (I bolted inside).
• After that wonderful experience we sat at a table and chatted.  Everyone "started to feel the meds" kicking in.  I looked confused.
• Staring at all of the zombies, I feel nothing.  The zombies asked, "Do you feel it??...pretty good huh?"
• I felt nothing except that the tingling and twitching stopped..."You don't feel drowsy?" This seemed to confuse the Zombies.  I was confused too.
• Someone actually said, "She must be a hardcore junkie."
• I laughed inside my head.  I am a hardcore cheeseball, spaz, and silly chatterbox, but I am so stupid when it comes to drugs.  I just wanted to make an attempt to get better. 
• Lastly, I "went to bed."

The Icing on the Cake:

• Trembling, I finally fell asleep only to be woken up 45 minutes later to the bitch nurse yelling at me.  Apparently I forgot to sign one piece of paper or some shit.
• My "roommate" dropped her dentures on the floor and started shouting.  She located the dentures and fell back asleep.  She had sleep apnea.  I thought she was dying with every breath she took.
• Again, me the judgemental bitch, I am sickened by the denture incident and she begins shouting (she thought she was being robbed in her sleep) and I vomit in the trash can.
• I leave the room and start pounding some water.  One of the nurses yells, "Get back in bed!  How are you awake and functioning?"  I replied, "I dunno," like some dumb idiot.
• Nurse "Bitch" whispered to Nurse "former prisoner" that she needs to be careful around me.  "Thats that girl we are going to end up sending to the psych ward because she has that split-personality condition thing." 

SERIOUSLY?  Split-personality thing?  Ok, "fuck that." I said to myself.  I walked straight to the front of the building and found the night person in charge and said.  "I don't care what I need to sign, say, or do but I am leaving right now.  Call my LH!!" (my wife aka Lesbian Husband...inside joke).

He told me I shouldn't leave but he couldn't keep me.  "You should stay.  You can't just go cold turkey."  I said I agreed that cold turkey causes horrible side effects, listed them, and then said that I had 125 benzos at home (that were about to be flushed down the toilet if detox was successful) and I will wean myself off slowly without a fucking horse tranquilizer or whatever they gave me that DID NOT WORK. 

"How are you going to do that?  You will just take them all and OD when you leave."

"NO.  LH dispenses 3 a day and then will do 2 a day and then 1 a day until they are gone in about 6 weeks."

"Can she be trusted?" he said.

"FUCK YOU.  She worked in a mental health facility in the middle of the desert for 5 years before coming to Nashville.  She did intake for Schizophrenia patients that stopped taking their meds and began self medicating."  "Do you know what that is like dip shit?"  He did not like being called dip shit but I did not like having my integrity questioned.

I'm a judgemental bitch again because after meeting everyone at the facility I realized that the most knowledgeable person on mental health and drug related issues lived in the SAME HOUSE that I lived in.

I love that woman.  I drag her through the mud with my ridiculous delusions and antics and she still stands up for me.  I called her, she called a babysitter, she was there 1hr later to "rescue me" from that hell hole or, should I say, IGNORANCE.  She questioned me a bit on the way home, dealt with my withdrawals by pulling over when I needed to get sick, etc. until we got home and then snapped a benzo in half.  She tossed it in my mouth and grunted, "Drink.  I'm tired, dammit."

We went to bed.  I am so dramatic but I learned a valuable lesson.  YOU CAN'T cut corners and try to detox off of something your Dr. gave you 6 weeks to do at home.  I thought I had no self control to do this.  I just wanted it to be OVER!!!! 

As it stands, I am down to 2.5 mg per day.  I am no longer taking them for anxiety and panic but for withdrawal purposes only.  I am doing well.  I do flip out if I sleep too long and wake up in a cold sweat with tremors.  I slept in yesterday and was very ill but I worked through it.  I am not going to lie.  I am so scared that I am going to have a panic attack and no benzos to get me through it. BUTTTT I hate to admit it.  I haven't cut since that crazy detox day and I have only had 2 panic attacks.  I have more energy and the wife says that she can "see the life in my eyes again."  So, that's amazing!!  Now if only we can get the random crying, anger management, delusions, and self hatred under control!  ::Sigh::  I know, kids.  ONE THING AT A TIME.

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Judgementally Yours,

Truthaboutcrazy