Beautiful Scars

Beautiful Scars

(V1)
Little Heart
Don't you die
You were the only light
that kept my soul alive

Happy Tears
Why'd you fall
Now you can't feel
anything at all

(Pre-chorus)
And the people passing by say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've had everything."

(Chorus)
But a pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
You know, I thought she truly loved me,
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel
I Didn't know...
It would be so easy...
To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my face.



(V2)
Little girl
Don't you hide
Your scars are still beautiful
Even in my eyes.

Angry Tears
They never lie
There's a strength in you
It'll help you to survive

(Pre-Chorus)
Screw those people walking by that say
"Oh what a shame.
She's just an empty shell now
could've been anything."

(Chorus)
But your pretty face is nothing
once it turns to glass.
I tried to save the pieces
but it didn't last.
A tounge so sharp
it could cut through steel
inconsiderate of the way I feel

I Didn't know it would be
so easy...

To walk away.

To run away.

with a smile on my...

:(Bridge):
Hanging from that pedestal
That was so high!

Used to be so strong and honest
Now you won't even try!

(Bridge 2)
Nobody's perfect...
Don't feel ashamed.

But you'll lose your loved ones...
Playin' that manipulative game.



(Repeat chorus)



Didn't want to walk away.
Didn't want to run away.

But to survive
Needed to revive
The missing smile...from...my...face...

I'm a Judgemental Bitch

Hey!  I haven't been blogging the past few weeks because I have developed a video blog project for YouTube.  But, I cannot live without typing out my thoughts instead of just blabbing to a web cam.  It's nice to have options...

Soo...let's get down to dishing the dirt in the land of crazy.  Sometimes I think craziness follows me.  Well, that and my poor or impulsive decisions.  The following story I wouldn't call a poor decision.  I much rather choose to call this an "impulsive" decision.  For those of you all who have not seen the vlog or have not been on twitter, I went to detox from benzos (xanax) last week.  Just looking over the time I spent writing about xanax, the poems, talking about it, etc. finally made me ask the question, "Who am I without the xanax?"  I take a bunch of other shit now, anyway and my Dr. is weaning me off of them so technically I needed to do this.  She suggested that I did it at home the slower way instead of doing it in a quick five days.  But, I am impatient and I always try to speed things up.

After carefully researching and going through my selection process I found a facility that would concentrate on my psychiatric needs while I detoxed from benzos the HEALTHY way.  What happened next couldn't possibly been made up by the best comedians on the planet....

I entered with a suitcase and a pillow.  Immediately I was approached with a stack of bullshit paperwork because that is exactly what crazy people on drugs want to do when they are about to detox.  It took a motherfucking 7 hours to get through all of the tests, examinations, and verbal abuse by a bunch of self absorbed case workers and IGNORANT nurses!

Intake:

• filled out paperwork until I thought my hand was going to fall off.  This was to be expected I was aware that intake was not a walk in the park
• Getting yelled at by a nurse because she didn't know what "co-occurring illness" meant. (even though it was on the brochure.
• When I told her I had Borderline Personality Disorder she said, "Well who am I talking to now?" and shook her head at me...I realized she didn't know what that meant either and that she thought I had multiple personality disorder.
• Advised the nurse the DSM-IV description of BPD and she actually told me I didn't know what I was talking about!

So after Intake and before the next dramatic situation I discuss I want to add that YES I did want to kill her but I had also made a promise to myself that I was going to keep my head down, lay low, and wasn't there to make friends.  I over talk so much when I am anxious that I just kept my mouth shut out of fear of starting off on the wrong foot....

My first impression:

• I couldn't help but to have an internal meltdown when my designated nurse told me she had just gotten out of prison "6 weeks ago." I guess I am a judgemental bitch because I became extremely paranoid.
• I met the other women.  50% prostitutes and 50% permanently damaged from EXTREME drug use.  They were as nice as they could be, I suppose, but I guess that's what makes me a judgemental bitch again.  I couldn't fathom walking the streets for drug money. (we are talking low class hookers folks...not escorts...lol).
• My understanding was that we would not chat about drugs the whole time because that makes the clock tick slower. I was incorrect because even the 4 nurses were talking about the "fun" times and such.
• I was asked if I had kids.  I said yes.  This old lady told me, "You'll be back here again and one day the state is going to take away your child for being fucked up.  Trust me!" If she didn't look so stupid and if I were in public I would have punched her in the fucking kidney.  So instead I bit my tongue off (sarcastic smile).
• My body began to go into withdrawal and I started twitching and getting faint.  My arms started to tingle and it felt like there were "bugs in my brain."
• I was given a tranquilizer, a plastic pillow,  4 other mystery pills, and told to go lay down until 6 a.m. (bullshit)

I Don't Understand (the following perplexed me):

• We went outside to a smoking area that looked more like a cage.  Completely visible to the street.  Although I had quit for the most part I shoved a ciggie in my face so damn fast.
• One of the girls starts making a bird noise, "CA CAW, CA CAW" like a fucking crow.
• I turn and look and there is a drug deal going on in the parking lot.  She was trying to "score" thru the chain link fence. (I bolted inside).
• After that wonderful experience we sat at a table and chatted.  Everyone "started to feel the meds" kicking in.  I looked confused.
• Staring at all of the zombies, I feel nothing.  The zombies asked, "Do you feel it??...pretty good huh?"
• I felt nothing except that the tingling and twitching stopped..."You don't feel drowsy?" This seemed to confuse the Zombies.  I was confused too.
• Someone actually said, "She must be a hardcore junkie."
• I laughed inside my head.  I am a hardcore cheeseball, spaz, and silly chatterbox, but I am so stupid when it comes to drugs.  I just wanted to make an attempt to get better. 
• Lastly, I "went to bed."

The Icing on the Cake:

• Trembling, I finally fell asleep only to be woken up 45 minutes later to the bitch nurse yelling at me.  Apparently I forgot to sign one piece of paper or some shit.
• My "roommate" dropped her dentures on the floor and started shouting.  She located the dentures and fell back asleep.  She had sleep apnea.  I thought she was dying with every breath she took.
• Again, me the judgemental bitch, I am sickened by the denture incident and she begins shouting (she thought she was being robbed in her sleep) and I vomit in the trash can.
• I leave the room and start pounding some water.  One of the nurses yells, "Get back in bed!  How are you awake and functioning?"  I replied, "I dunno," like some dumb idiot.
• Nurse "Bitch" whispered to Nurse "former prisoner" that she needs to be careful around me.  "Thats that girl we are going to end up sending to the psych ward because she has that split-personality condition thing." 

SERIOUSLY?  Split-personality thing?  Ok, "fuck that." I said to myself.  I walked straight to the front of the building and found the night person in charge and said.  "I don't care what I need to sign, say, or do but I am leaving right now.  Call my LH!!" (my wife aka Lesbian Husband...inside joke).

He told me I shouldn't leave but he couldn't keep me.  "You should stay.  You can't just go cold turkey."  I said I agreed that cold turkey causes horrible side effects, listed them, and then said that I had 125 benzos at home (that were about to be flushed down the toilet if detox was successful) and I will wean myself off slowly without a fucking horse tranquilizer or whatever they gave me that DID NOT WORK. 

"How are you going to do that?  You will just take them all and OD when you leave."

"NO.  LH dispenses 3 a day and then will do 2 a day and then 1 a day until they are gone in about 6 weeks."

"Can she be trusted?" he said.

"FUCK YOU.  She worked in a mental health facility in the middle of the desert for 5 years before coming to Nashville.  She did intake for Schizophrenia patients that stopped taking their meds and began self medicating."  "Do you know what that is like dip shit?"  He did not like being called dip shit but I did not like having my integrity questioned.

I'm a judgemental bitch again because after meeting everyone at the facility I realized that the most knowledgeable person on mental health and drug related issues lived in the SAME HOUSE that I lived in.

I love that woman.  I drag her through the mud with my ridiculous delusions and antics and she still stands up for me.  I called her, she called a babysitter, she was there 1hr later to "rescue me" from that hell hole or, should I say, IGNORANCE.  She questioned me a bit on the way home, dealt with my withdrawals by pulling over when I needed to get sick, etc. until we got home and then snapped a benzo in half.  She tossed it in my mouth and grunted, "Drink.  I'm tired, dammit."

We went to bed.  I am so dramatic but I learned a valuable lesson.  YOU CAN'T cut corners and try to detox off of something your Dr. gave you 6 weeks to do at home.  I thought I had no self control to do this.  I just wanted it to be OVER!!!! 

As it stands, I am down to 2.5 mg per day.  I am no longer taking them for anxiety and panic but for withdrawal purposes only.  I am doing well.  I do flip out if I sleep too long and wake up in a cold sweat with tremors.  I slept in yesterday and was very ill but I worked through it.  I am not going to lie.  I am so scared that I am going to have a panic attack and no benzos to get me through it. BUTTTT I hate to admit it.  I haven't cut since that crazy detox day and I have only had 2 panic attacks.  I have more energy and the wife says that she can "see the life in my eyes again."  So, that's amazing!!  Now if only we can get the random crying, anger management, delusions, and self hatred under control!  ::Sigh::  I know, kids.  ONE THING AT A TIME.

WATCH MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL  "THE TRUTH ABOUT CRAZY"

Judgementally Yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

This one is for the ladies...

OR this one is for the men who want a bit more insight on the ladies........

I've noticed that there is a topic we haven't really touched on the topic of PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a topic that most of us have heard of or know a bit about but I was baffled when I noticed the link between PMDD and its contribution to all types of mental illnesses.

• PMDD causes depression; however, if you have already been diagnosed with depression or any mental disease or disorder it worsens the symptoms.
• In addition, it causes extreme disinterest in daily activities, out of control behavior, binge eating, and more importantly SUICIDAL tendencies during the last part of the menstrual cycle.
• Irritability, Extreme Anxiety, and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) are additional factors that are ELEVATED for those diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (I or II), Depression, Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and ESPECIALLY individuals who suffer from a mental illness and INSOMNIA. 
• The complete sleep cycle is impacted by PMDD.  It may be insomnia BUT it may also have the opposite effect...extended periods of sleep and when you are actually awake you feel like a slug.

The most important factor is that if you have PMDD is that you have EXCESSIVE PANIC ATTACKS and exhibit SUICIDAL TENDENCIES the PMDD can worsen the effects.  It has been proven that most of the females with PMDD + a mental illness commit suicide during that time when there hormones drop significantly (during the actual cycle).  Again, if you already have a mental illness, your panic attacks, anxiety, and suicidal desires increase during this time!  Please be safe.

Now, the good news?  You will notice that your body will bounce back 1-2 days before your cycle or the day that you start.  Also, only 8 - 13% of women have this disorder and more than likely we don't all have it.  I found out when I went from working out 4-5 days a week at a healthy weight and eating well to not following my regimen.  I haven't been so consistent and my Dr. and I have had several long discussions about this ddisorder.  He does not know too many people that have this disorder since only 1 out of 10 of his female patients actually show the signs.

Next, he had me keep a journal about my sleep, emotions and behaviors the week before my cycle.  No, I did not keep a journal but I basically logged it in my head and updated him with the information.  He knew without a doubt that I had this and I was diagnosed because I observed one very important piece of documentation....MY BLOG.  Even though it was a bunch of blah blah blah it painted this visual for me.  Twitter actually helped too.  I noticed different behaviors depending on the week, it indicated when I was suicidal, and it pointed out when most of my panic attacks occurred.  Moving forward, I know this is going to totally help my life, my family (on the bad days), and I hope it helps you too!!!!!

So, if you can relate to a lot of this information provided, you may want to take notice during "that time."  You may not just be "dramatic and emotional" such as experience regular PMS (ugh).  In addition, another way to confirm PMDD is to get your pituitary gland checked out and your thyroid.  The two additional tests can basically confirm if you have this or not. 

How can I prevent the symptoms or lower the effects?

• Take extra calcium, magnesium, B6 and B12 vitamin supplements the week before and the week of your cycle.
• exercise...even if it is going for a few simple walks (those help with damn cramps anyways).
• Drink your tea and get plenty of antioxidants.
• cut down on alcohol and caffeine (ewww yeah right).
• Birth Control may help
• Diuretics (that one surprised me)

Lastly, take care of yourselves, love yourself even when you don't want to, and try to ride this bullshit out.  I can't guarantee that my awareness will keep me from blogging or tweeting crazy ass shit, but its a start!

fascinating regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

Guilty

When I was 14 I obtained my first job.  My parents divorced, and we couldn't live the lifestyle we once had.  I wanted to continue my passion though.  Dance and Music...

Age 14:  I became a dance teacher's assistant.  I taught 3-5 year olds cartwheels and other cute little moves.  The pay?  Free dance class for my age group and two additional performances included in our recital.  I also received a discount on my brother's acrobatic class by ballet dancing with girls my age that had special needs.  I continued to teach until I was able to get a "job."

Root Cause:  Make my parents proud of me.  Help their financial situation.

Age 16:  Two weeks after my birthday I immediately began to work.  I got my license to drive and took a job as a hostess downtown.  Fearlessly I left the suburbs almost daily, parked in a parking garage with piss in the stairway, and walked to a lovely restaurant almost nightly, left late, went to sleep and then went to school. Normal.

Root Cause:  My dad helped me get my first job.  Be a good girl.

Age 17 - 19:  School was getting tough.  I needed to switch to part-time.  I became a janitor for two years and a cashier at the local market.  I didn't mind a messy job.  I was making more money than anyone else I went to school with.

Root Cause:  Self gratification.  Oh yeah, and some really good weed.

Age 20:  After that I became a waitress, went to college, dropped out because I became pregnant by a convicted felon that I had no idea was a felon or that there was a warrant out for arrest.  He molested me and would get high and light my underwear on fire when he was high because the crack (that my naive ass had no idea he was doing) made him paranoid. He said it was "tainted by other men." 

Age 20-21:  Then I had my son, went back to work 3 weeks later which is kinda against the law because you aren't supposed to work unless yo are released by a doctor.  I started stocking shelves and carrying heavy crates when I wasn't healed yet.  But, my son needed diapers.  When I was "home" he locked me in a closet sized spare room.  I breastfed my son when he was hungry and pumped extra milk for him to consume when I went to work.  He only let me hold my son when I fed him.  He was taken away from me when I was done. Sometimes I would lie and say he was still feeding to prolong the inevitable. When my son went to sleep, I was abused.  I would take prescription pain medication to make the pain go away.  I passed out and he went to buy drugs and use.  It didn't take long for me to wake up and realize that I had worked my whole life and I left him and moved in with my father.  He stalked me for awhile but after he beat the crap out of me I took pictures of the bruises and got a court order for him to stay the "eff" away.

Root Cause:  I've always worked, therefore popping out a child that has NEEDS requires someone to pull the weight.

Age 21 - 25:  I went back to online school part-time and got a decent job.  I graduated in 2007 while simultaneously receiving 4 promotions at the same company.  I didn't know much but I learned quickly and kicked ass at what I did.  In addition, I met my "LLBFF" and my wife.  Life was good and half the time I didn't even realize how good it was.  My son's aunt took him every other weekend for supervised visits with his dad who was clean (for a little while).  We partied, threw money down at the bar like it was toilet paper we wiped our asses with, and had killer bodies.  At work, we were unstoppable.  It pissed so many people off that the two smartest girls in the department were also HOT and had great personalities.  We were a small close inner circle and didn't need to string people along that didn't matter.  Meanwhile, my wife went from a temporary worker to an invaluable component to the business.  Again, we were all LOUD, HOT, FUN, and SUCCESSFUL.

Root Cause:  Validation.  I finally made it?  Satisfaction.  We all had overcome so much.

Age 25:  Diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, and Bipolar Type 2 disorder.  I was manic and depressed at the same time (damn I miss mania).  My disorder has evolved since then but whatever...Anyways I was still working.  A member of leadership at this point.  I was responsible for 18 - 22 people and myself...haha...could barely take care of myself.  When I was first given Xanax, I was so manic it didn't even "work."  I didn't take extra because I didn't know how "exciting" how it would be in the future.  My wife was promoted again, we bought a house, my son started reading when he was 3.  Life was good.  House parties, shopping sprees, people were jealous of me...but secretly I was ill...

Root Cause:  Everyone I know thinks I am successful.  Don't "eff" this up.

Age 26:  Lost my job.  Lost some friends.  Lost my future wife for 2 months (can't mess with fate people).  Started taking Zoloft and "ripped my kin off" and then Abilify aka the devil...that didn't last long.  I went on unemployment, stopped partying so much, submerged myself in my son's school work and went to "the home" twice (see previous post the breakdown, the home, and the Indian).

Root Cause:  Legally Insane

Now:  I don't even know.  I have so many ideas that fear keeps me from executing.  Aren't people with bipolar disorder supposed to be entrepreneurs? (lol)

Root Cause:  It's complicated.

In closing, my relationship has completely changed dynamics.  I need an additional therapist.  Somehow, my wife has turned into my parent. When I was working (until yesterday) I was a failure.  I was behind on the laundry, the dust began to accumulate because when I was unemployed I cleaned the house more (naturally).  I didn't pay a bill or two on time...I am talking a few days off PEOPLE...she is such a perfectionist.  I realize now that was one of the reasons that attracted me to her and it has become a standard that I cannot even satisfy.  I am not perfection.  In fact, I FIND PERFECTION IN IMPERFECTION (remember that...its kinda my famous quote and stuff).  Unfortunately, I drive her crazy daily.  She holds it in until finally there is a volcanic eruption.  She has told me that she feels like a single parent that has to parent me and my son.  What?  This, I was not aware of...no offense, dear, but our son would be malnourished without you...no one can live off of ham sandwiches and hamburger helper....UGGGHHHERRREEGGGG!

However, she is my hero.  If she feels like my parent it is because I placed her there.  In my eyes she is on a pedestal that I cannot reach.  I stretch, stand on my tippy toes, only to fall on the floor in shame.  This situation is nobodies fault.  This is what happens when you have two extremely ambitious and loving people that happen to express themselves in two incredibly different ways.  Currently, I am jobless (again, as of yesterday).  I was afraid to tell her.  I was literally petrified because I knew I would feel GUILTY, SHAME, AND ANGER.  Why?  Why, do I feel this way.  She is a good person.  She is not abusive. She loves me very much.  WHY do I disappoint her to the point that I feel like slitting my wrists.

When you have a mental illness, everyone else in your life has a mental illness too.  A mental illness impacts every person you love.  They may not understand that is why they are so angry and confused.  They may not understand why they want to put their fist through a wall.  But they do...they may...and they stick around because they love us.  Remember, if they are frustrated, throw a fit, etc.  but do not leave (permanently) it is because they love you.  Just as hard as it is for us to express ourselves, for us to suffer, and for us to try not to flip out.  They are suffering too.  Some say a characteristic of mental illness is selfishness.  It is, not on purpose, but it is, because we forget that everyone else is suffering too.

Selfconciously yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus

I like purple.  I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...

I'm in a suit.  I am ready for the day.  I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door.  Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in.  I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump.  I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car!  If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November?  I hate the cold.  Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!

(Driving and performing my exact ritual.  Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)

 Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all.  Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.

I decide its time.  Time to end it all.  I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan.  I open the car door and vomit.  I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed. 

I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!

Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies)  I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater).  I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot.  A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!

OMG answered.  I shall elaborate.  As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened.  I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."

GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs. 

OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:  I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral.  I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."

I went anyway.  So weird.  I just went.  I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet.  BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office.  We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation.  IT WAS AMAZING.  I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.

One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life.  A few reasons why:

A desperate letter to my wife...

I hope you are happy because sending me over the edge worked this morning. Do you think your rude behavior towards me made the guilt go away? No, it made me puke brown sludge from my breakfast. TWICE. Do you think I wanted to lay around and sleep? Wrong. I did not stay home to sleep....


I literally layed this morning WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS stressed and SADDENNED beyond what your brain can possibly interpret. Your inability to take the hour an a half that you were at home and aware that something was very, and truly wrong, caused deeper problems than you and I CANNOT even imagine. This morning was a clear cry for help and I am disgusted by the fact that you actually held my hand and "tried" to care until YOU decided that you were infuriated. YOU made this about your own selfish thoughts instead of taking just a few moments to put yourself in my shoes. JUST A FEW MOMENTS WOULD HAVE HAD A BETTER OUTCOME.



I WILL have sick days; HOWEVER, I am extremely proud of my accomplishments. I AM EXTREMELY satisfied with my ability to OVERCOME my adversities to land this job, keep this job, and have the desire to GO BACK as soon as TOMORROW when I can make sense of the deamons that are lurking around the corner. HELL YEAH, this will happen again, my point is that I have always tried to impress you, make you and our family happy, and stop the insanity from ruining our relationship.



YOU, of all people, after all of the years of watching me cope, should understand that my life will not magically become easier overnight. YOU have watched my struggles since August of 2008 when I was first diagnosed. Yes, you gave me a second chance, but I feel as though I pay for it everyday. I have mental adversities over issues that are clearly my own deamons that develop into what is categorized as "guilt."



This is a much deeper seeded issue than you can ever imagine. If it wasn't for my image issues, I would be slittling my wrists, throat, stomach, between my toes, and the back of my legs every single day. Cutting, is not an act for attention, pity, or any other self absorbed categorization. Cutting is a charactoristic of my illness. No two mental illnesses are exactly the same. They are like fingerprints. I continuosly try to let you into the world of my addiction to mutilate. My terrible panic attacks and overcoming what developed into agoraphobic tendencies cause issues to do a task at work, it actually takes me twice as long because of all of the editing, second guessing, checking, re-checking, etc. Am I going to impress the intelligent individuals that I work with? Am I going to embarass myself? A lot of these issues many healthy people deal with AND I GET THAT; however, the impact on my "fingerprint" aka mental illness, is severe.



Have you ever felt like dying inside? Have you ever had too much on your plate? I already know the answer is YES. BUT, imagine that happening about every 20 minutes. It's referred to as the bipolar cycle.



Dr. "I" and I have known each other for 3-years. If I needed to prioritze my conversation to be about something other than what I chose to discuss the other day, then that is what we would have talked about. However, when I ranked my "deamons," that particular category was what had plagued my mind the most. You must also understand, that I have several items on my itinerary when I meet with him. Due to time constraints and ME SIMPLY FORGETTING, it doesn't always happen. I need a therapist in addition to all of this. WE need a therapist, actually, I think that a couple traveling through the process of healing together is something that can actually keep our relationship strong; stand out from the rest. WE talked about the therapist and it never happened.



I lost my train of thought, I had to go vommit again, sorry I didn't ask for your permission to be actually "normal person sick" and "mental person sick" on both days....but "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" right? Always multi-tasking like a good little girl. (this was my sarcastic sentence).



I want to say curse words. I will refrain from calling you names, and adding explicative "adjectives."



Again, I am in over my head. I do not need you to yell and say, "well then just quit." That will not benefit our family. That will not benefit my illness. I HAVE ALREADY SEEN a huge improvement being on a set sleep schedule, developing a daily routine, and actually doing a job that I am passionate about. BUT, it does not take away what still exists.



Today, was a cry for help. I do not need you to fly home from your job to babysit me. It was a strong need for us to build our level of conversation and communication which kinda sucks right now. Being a parent is awesome but it is definitely an inconvenience when scheduling a time to talk. Sometimes a cry for help supercedes any "scheduling" that may need to be done. Sometimes it needs to be a priority. I want to feel as though I am a priority. That statement is not intended to sound selfish. My intentions are genuine.



My cry for help is more of a NEED of respect and understanding as it pertains to SICKNESS. Sick days are unavoidable, I realize in the United States your employer has the ability to take your job away at any time for any reason. I realize that since we are gay I cannot go on your health insurance. I also realize that you cannot help to be ANGRY when you are the only working adult in the household. BUT, please understand, I ACTUALLY want to contribute. Huge difference. I want to provide for OUR FAMILY so that we can enjoy simple things such as cable, electricity, water, shelter, a healthy dinner as well as perks such as vacation and flying accross the country to see our family members that have chosen not to live near us (I have a lot of anger towards my family for moving away) and I know that you miss yours.



I love my job. It is very hard. I am afraid. But the fact that I have a job is an unbelievable gift. I want it but does it want me?



For goodness sake, I have to go to court and prove myself AGAIN that I am the best fit for my son and HE DESERVES child support. Have you thought that maybe the amount of stress from that day is a dark cloud getting closer, and closer, and causing me panic attacks? My throat has been burning from the attacks.



I want you to know that if I didn't love you and my son, I would let my son's father raise him and I would not be with you. I would be on the next flight to live with my parents or Hawaii to live in a tent with no health insurance and go off on some crazy downward spiral. BUT IT IS YOU that inspires me IT IS YOU that makes me want to try and be better. Why? I love you with all of my heart. I am in love with you. I don't love you for convenience. I don't love you because I am crying right now. I don't love you because it is the easy way out. You help me try, better myself, and you have the warmest heart. I just don't know if you feel the same way anymore. Is your heart slowly becoming cold? Are you slipping away? I don't feel like I deserve you. At times, I know you rather be married to a woman stronger than me. However, this is all I have to offer. I don't know what the future holds concerning any of what I have just discussed.



I lost my train of thought which seams to be a trend lately. I had to step away. If you choose to respond to me I will not be using my e-mail for the rest of the day. I have a lot to think about. Thoughts are swimming around my head and it is time I stop. Breathe. Take it all in. I went from 0-60 without preparing to go back to work because I was hired "on the spot."



If you chose to contact me, and I hope you do, I prefer a phone call as responding to this may not fit in a simple text message. But again, the ball is in your court now and that is your decision.





PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS YOU GUYS...I FEEL SO LOST!

Walking Contradiction

I don't have time to come up with a cute title so deal with it.

I'm tipsy.  Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start?  No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah.  I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days.  Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD  I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie).  Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face.  I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner.  If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it:  HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later?  How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?

Moving on.

My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment.  I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH!  Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.?  Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Homework:

Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior." 

Easier said than done.  I make extremely bad decisions all of the time.  I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud.  I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh?  Exactly. 

Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside.  Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others.  If that makes any sense.  It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener.  HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior."  So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.

Dammit!  I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process!  Crapola!

(15-minute pause)

I still do not remember.  I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.

Hypocritically yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

A Strange Discovery

I have so many questions...Don't you?

Over the weekend I discovered a very odd contributor to my EXTREME anxiety...

Insomnia - OK, on the surface we all know it means you can't sleep.  I do not think I have insomnia and I also do not think that there is a name for this cluster of crap.  This is a good thing if you ask my partner because I am a hypocondriac and I can't give myself another "disease" so yay for you, dear. <insert actual LOL>

Here it goes:

• I am afraid to go to sleep.  A lot of people are because they are afraid of dying...this is not what I am afraid of.
• I have certain "rituals" I have to do before I go to sleep.  "Rituals" I have never heard of someone with OCD experiencing.
• Rituals:
• Watching something funny, something dangerous, something about criminals, and possibly more stories about murderers, sociopaths, molesters, etc. During this time I take 2mg of Xanex to relax and prepare for sleep...it usually mellows me out but thats about it.
• Walking around the kitchen thinking about food...sometimes eating it...sometimes not...if I eat it is followed by a period of shame because since I started night eating I have added an extra 15lbs to last years 15lbs from other issues...then I cry because my clothes don't fit.
• Then I freak out about money.  I don't have a job or health insurance so I look for jobs about 2 hours a night which does not include 2-4 hours of job searching during the day.
• After I look for a job I have to play a game, read an excellent article, or watch a movie to prevent panic...I have had several panic attacks FALLING asleep not just DURING...I looked it up...not so much on the whole FALLING asleep panic stuff.
• I take 50mg of trazadone and a bennadryl...while it kicks in I, for exactly 20 minutes, think about HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE TOMORROW!  

This I "THINK" caused it:

• Unemployment and the horrible experience with my previous employer has destroyed me after I thought I was already destroyed in 2008 when I was diagnosed...turns out, I was successful (duh!) just a bit "troubled."
• No health insurance for the GAYS.  BUT GET THIS SHIT!!!  Since I live with her I can't get any type of government assistance!  My son's father is on government assistance because he is LYING and cannot insure my kid.  ::DAGGER TO MY HEART::
• Disability takes to long to "qualify" for and they won't expedite people even if they have been strapped to a gurny hallucinating from mental anguish...ok so this bullet point will be called the crappy government rant....to be continued.........

The RAW truth is that, not only do I have a craving to cut myself, I fantasize about becoming catatonic...its one of those non-selfish cravings if you get what I'm saying...I just don't want to use my voice or move or function...did I mention I am a singer and all around performer...yeah complete contrast...

So, again, I am A. Afraid to sleep B. Obsessed with my rituals C. I don't want tomorrow to come because THERE IS NO POINT.

I am so glad I have my son but sometimes I even want him to go away TERIBBLE!!!!!!!!  I just wish this would stop.  I applied for 19 jobs today...so hopefully that will help but at the same time it has delayed the rituals and I hope I can fall asleep before 3. 

Outburst:  DAMMIT I went to College and I have so much work experience!!!!!!!  I will be damned if I have to start all over again!!!!!!!!  kjgaornhgoaiern;WEKJGF!!!!!!!!

p.s. Dr. "I" increased my Lamictol to 400 mg a day so hopefully I can calm the BLEEP down.

Ridiculous Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy