I think I totally figured it out and I kinda understand why people don't "off" themselves due to the following reason:
I have a beautiful child who has been exposed to my emotional trauma BUT, he has experienced heart wrenching trauma regarding his father including violence, drugs, etc. ...which is why I don't let him see him anymore.
With that said, I was never able to go through with "it" until I had a super, mega, realization. "Take him" too.
(I have to be careful on how I word this because this blog may disappear)
Anyways, what if I finally went through with it and included him on the plan. I would rot in hell (I will anyways for being gay) and he would be free from all of the pain that has been inflicted on him. Morbid, but excellent. This is freaking you out...I can feel it.
Does it cross your mind when you are driving that it will be just that easy? I know it has...don't lie.
I miss cutting...It is totally not fair that I have to pretend the urges are gone because they aren't. I am tired of people telling me they are worried about me and then saying, "I'm not a coddler." I'm not asking for that! Now give me back the sharp object please! Everyone just wants to use my son as a pawn to not hurt, be sad, etc. What does he have to do with my brain. I effing love him more than anything on this planet but there is a wall I have to climb to get to him. He knows it and I know it. He knows I am "sick" and just doesn't understand the "why" BUT he understands patience more than anyone else! Those thoughts alone make me want to give in.
Sacrificially yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
Showing posts with label cutting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cutting. Show all posts
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Walking Contradiction
I don't have time to come up with a cute title so deal with it.
I'm tipsy. Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start? No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah. I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days. Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie). Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face. I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner. If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it: HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later? How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?
Moving on.
My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment. I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH! Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.? Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Homework:
Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior."
Easier said than done. I make extremely bad decisions all of the time. I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud. I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh? Exactly.
Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside. Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others. If that makes any sense. It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener. HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior." So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.
Dammit! I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process! Crapola!
(15-minute pause)
I still do not remember. I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.
Hypocritically yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
I'm tipsy. Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start? No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah. I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days. Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie). Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face. I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner. If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it: HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later? How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?
Moving on.
My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment. I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH! Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.? Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Homework:
Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior."
Easier said than done. I make extremely bad decisions all of the time. I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud. I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh? Exactly.
Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside. Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others. If that makes any sense. It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener. HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior." So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.
Dammit! I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process! Crapola!
(15-minute pause)
I still do not remember. I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.
Hypocritically yours,
Truthaboutcrazy
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