Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus

I like purple.  I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...

I'm in a suit.  I am ready for the day.  I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door.  Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in.  I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump.  I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car!  If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November?  I hate the cold.  Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!

(Driving and performing my exact ritual.  Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)

 Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all.  Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.

I decide its time.  Time to end it all.  I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan.  I open the car door and vomit.  I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed. 

I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!

Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies)  I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater).  I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot.  A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!

OMG answered.  I shall elaborate.  As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened.  I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."

GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs. 

OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:  I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral.  I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."

I went anyway.  So weird.  I just went.  I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet.  BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office.  We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation.  IT WAS AMAZING.  I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.

One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life.  A few reasons why:

Walking Contradiction

I don't have time to come up with a cute title so deal with it.

I'm tipsy.  Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start?  No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah.  I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days.  Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD  I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie).  Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face.  I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner.  If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it:  HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later?  How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?

Moving on.

My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment.  I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH!  Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.?  Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Homework:

Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior." 

Easier said than done.  I make extremely bad decisions all of the time.  I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud.  I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh?  Exactly. 

Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside.  Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others.  If that makes any sense.  It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener.  HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior."  So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.

Dammit!  I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process!  Crapola!

(15-minute pause)

I still do not remember.  I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.

Hypocritically yours,

Truthaboutcrazy