Helpless?

First, I would like to let you all know that my next blog will have a video attachment that isn't a cute/silly slideshow.  I want to "introduce" myself to you all and reach out to as many people as possible.  The GREAT part is that I won't be reaching out because I have my shit together.  I'm a mess.  I want to just exist as someone in cyberspace with an opinion and maybe a few facts....yeah...I'll try to work in a few facts : )

So, do I feel helpless?  Today.  Yes.  But not always.  I poured my heart out on what I think would be my first VLOG and I ended up talking so long, at some point my computer was like, "Fuck Off!  I Quit!"  So, its gone and I don't remember what I have updated you guys on and what I haven't.  Total internal temper tantrum happening right now. 

But, that's not the reason why I feel hopeless.  I am going to keep this brief tonight because I will be "speaking" with you guys very soon.  I am so excited.  You will still be able to click on it right here on Blogger.

I just noticed a typo that I am going to keep on this page.  Apparently, I feel helpless and hopeless.  Mmmmm kinda.  Exactly one week ago I made a lame attempt at suicide and landed myself in a crisis center.  I had changed health coverage so I ended up in an new location that scared me and I was going to see another Dr.  Total Panic, Manic, insanity breakdown.  I must have been somewhat sane because I tried to run out of the building like a screaming banshee woman and then I turned to my 6ft tall wife and yelled, "That Bitch in the glass window probably has the ability to lock the doors by pushing a damn button!"  I started laughing and crying and said, "I'm not going to attack her (pointing at tall wife) she can outsmart me!"  I just sat down.  @mindofmedusa showed up 5 minutes later to comfort hers (me) and forced jokes and laughter upon me until it was my time to get a 2nd opinion....

I wish to speak with you directly about the rest of my damn day there so...To Be Continued (I fucking hate that term)

Ridiculously Yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

Walking Contradiction

I don't have time to come up with a cute title so deal with it.

I'm tipsy.  Do you ever have so much to say you don't know where to start?  No, seriously, I don't know where to start....ummmmmmmmm....soooo....yeah.  I have had a lot to digest the past couple of days.  Totally complicated....ANNNDDDD  I have to multi-task due to the fact that I went from having so much time to think, sit on the couch, eat, think some more, and stare at myself in the mirror with disdain due to rapid weight gain (while holding a cookie).  Now, I am squeezing my bloated ASS into a suit 5 days a week and putting on a "happy" face.  I would like to say I have a lot of passion for what I am doing, so it does help, but anxiety and darkness is lurking behind every corner.  If anyone has the answer to the following question I would love to hear it:  HOW do you get diagnosed with several disorders while working at a decent place of business, lose your job, go in and out of a psych ward a few times, and then go back to work a year later?  How do you make it last...especially if you really want it?

Moving on.

My psychiatrist gave me homework which is the last thing I need, due to the fact that I am inundated with so much new information at the moment.  I know he is used to being "healthy" and "well" but NEWS FLASH!  Didn't you diagnose me with Bipolar II, extreme anxiety, self-mutilation, etc.?  Yeah, homework isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Homework:

Figure out a way to begin developing healthy friendships without codependency or feeding another person's illness or "bad behavior." 

Easier said than done.  I make extremely bad decisions all of the time.  I cannot judge character or intentions of another individual because I am constantly walking around in a big fat cumulus cloud.  I am one of the few individuals that has faith in humanity...Did you just laugh?  Exactly. 

Apparently, "healthy" people do not worry about "unhealthy" people as much as the flipside.  Yep, even though I wallow in self pity, somehow I have the time to worry about others more than others worry about others.  If that makes any sense.  It actually does make sense to me and it is an extreme eye opener.  HOWEVER, due to my extreme guilt issues, I feel bad that I have possibly fed a person's sickness, or again, "bad behavior."  So then I go back into the cycle of additional worry.

Dammit!  I went pee and now I lost my therapeutic thought process!  Crapola!

(15-minute pause)

I still do not remember.  I will take this as a hint from the universe NOT to continue blubbering on.

Hypocritically yours,

Truthaboutcrazy