Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus

I like purple.  I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...

I'm in a suit.  I am ready for the day.  I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door.  Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in.  I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump.  I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car!  If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November?  I hate the cold.  Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!

(Driving and performing my exact ritual.  Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)

 Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all.  Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.

I decide its time.  Time to end it all.  I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan.  I open the car door and vomit.  I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed. 

I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!

Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies)  I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater).  I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot.  A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!

OMG answered.  I shall elaborate.  As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened.  I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."

GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs. 

OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:  I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral.  I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."

I went anyway.  So weird.  I just went.  I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet.  BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office.  We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation.  IT WAS AMAZING.  I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.

One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life.  A few reasons why:

Hey! Guess What?! Religion isn't a weapon you ASSHOLE!

I am so pissed off right now.  This blog is going to be....I don't even know....I just know that I literally want to choke a bitch.

So...this is going to take me hours to type because I just had to take 3 Xanax to relax.  Some day, I will discuss something positive but...oh, that's right...not gonna happen.

We say we are crazy, mentally ill, diseased, bipolar, depressed, etc.  (If I missed your category, again, I am medicated and I don't mean to offend).

ANYWAYS, my neighbor decided to "show her ass" tonight.  I get along with everyone else.  But this BRAT decided she was going to be a little snot!  I noticed it developing a few weeks ago but I ignored it because I genuinely care about the rest of the group (they are older than me but age is just a number so whatever). 

I wanted to have a casual celebration Margarita with my friends aka neighbors.  She won't stop glaring at me during the whole group conversation (about nine people) and I am thinking, "Oh, gosh, seriously not again." 

Finally, I begin to chat with her hubby (no sexual attraction she is wayyyy hot and...just trust me on this one...attraction is not the issue).  I say to her hubby that we need to all get together more often like we used to because I loved how we would all bring a dish, chill, grill, play games, or whatever...This bitch pounces me and goes off on how they are MARRIED now and they can't be partying all of the time because they have "couple" stuff to do and...blah blah blah...Then it takes a turn for the worst and I say, "I never wish to offend anyone.  If I do, that is not my intent and I don't understand your hostility."


Someone tries to rescue this ridiculous discussion and change the subject. FAIL. She jumps on my case about throwing parties and my parenting skills...ask anyone, I am a fun mom that is still strict and has boundaries...as a result, people who don't like kids, have a blast with our kiddo. 

I'm pissed.  So I just flat out ask, "If it is our orientation or anything that makes you uncomfortable, I will respectfully back off, is that it?"  She flips out about how she isn't the judge and "I will face the judgement of GOD one day."

I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE I AM REBELLIOUS.  I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF A CHOICE.
OH AND ALERT THE PRESS!!  I'M NOT GAY TO PISS OF MY NEIGHBORS YOU CUNT!  I AM WITH MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE BABYSITTING AN ALCOHOLIC AND TWO ADULT CHILDREN THAT STILL LIVE WITH YOU!!!!

P.S. Don't tell me how to be a parent because your 18 year old who never has a job unless she asks to babysit my son and your 23 year old daughter lives with you and does not know SHIT about whether the sky is blue, purple or filled with flying toasters....so FUCK OFF YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH CUNT!  I AM GOING TO COVER MY YARD WITH MY MASSIVE GAY FLAG AND YOU CAN LOOK OUT YOUR TACKY, UGLY WINDOW, AT MY PRIDE!

suck on this:

I would be dead without this woman.  She rescued me physically and emotionally...The End.