This one is for the ladies...

OR this one is for the men who want a bit more insight on the ladies........

I've noticed that there is a topic we haven't really touched on the topic of PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a topic that most of us have heard of or know a bit about but I was baffled when I noticed the link between PMDD and its contribution to all types of mental illnesses.

• PMDD causes depression; however, if you have already been diagnosed with depression or any mental disease or disorder it worsens the symptoms.
• In addition, it causes extreme disinterest in daily activities, out of control behavior, binge eating, and more importantly SUICIDAL tendencies during the last part of the menstrual cycle.
• Irritability, Extreme Anxiety, and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) are additional factors that are ELEVATED for those diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (I or II), Depression, Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and ESPECIALLY individuals who suffer from a mental illness and INSOMNIA. 
• The complete sleep cycle is impacted by PMDD.  It may be insomnia BUT it may also have the opposite effect...extended periods of sleep and when you are actually awake you feel like a slug.

The most important factor is that if you have PMDD is that you have EXCESSIVE PANIC ATTACKS and exhibit SUICIDAL TENDENCIES the PMDD can worsen the effects.  It has been proven that most of the females with PMDD + a mental illness commit suicide during that time when there hormones drop significantly (during the actual cycle).  Again, if you already have a mental illness, your panic attacks, anxiety, and suicidal desires increase during this time!  Please be safe.

Now, the good news?  You will notice that your body will bounce back 1-2 days before your cycle or the day that you start.  Also, only 8 - 13% of women have this disorder and more than likely we don't all have it.  I found out when I went from working out 4-5 days a week at a healthy weight and eating well to not following my regimen.  I haven't been so consistent and my Dr. and I have had several long discussions about this ddisorder.  He does not know too many people that have this disorder since only 1 out of 10 of his female patients actually show the signs.

Next, he had me keep a journal about my sleep, emotions and behaviors the week before my cycle.  No, I did not keep a journal but I basically logged it in my head and updated him with the information.  He knew without a doubt that I had this and I was diagnosed because I observed one very important piece of documentation....MY BLOG.  Even though it was a bunch of blah blah blah it painted this visual for me.  Twitter actually helped too.  I noticed different behaviors depending on the week, it indicated when I was suicidal, and it pointed out when most of my panic attacks occurred.  Moving forward, I know this is going to totally help my life, my family (on the bad days), and I hope it helps you too!!!!!

So, if you can relate to a lot of this information provided, you may want to take notice during "that time."  You may not just be "dramatic and emotional" such as experience regular PMS (ugh).  In addition, another way to confirm PMDD is to get your pituitary gland checked out and your thyroid.  The two additional tests can basically confirm if you have this or not. 

How can I prevent the symptoms or lower the effects?

• Take extra calcium, magnesium, B6 and B12 vitamin supplements the week before and the week of your cycle.
• exercise...even if it is going for a few simple walks (those help with damn cramps anyways).
• Drink your tea and get plenty of antioxidants.
• cut down on alcohol and caffeine (ewww yeah right).
• Birth Control may help
• Diuretics (that one surprised me)

Lastly, take care of yourselves, love yourself even when you don't want to, and try to ride this bullshit out.  I can't guarantee that my awareness will keep me from blogging or tweeting crazy ass shit, but its a start!

fascinating regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

PTSD: Get Out of My Brain!

Hmmm...that news article looks interesting...let's take a look...

(As I read) I wonder why my heart is pounding?  I'm completely relaxed.  I was in good company tonight.  Did I take my meds on time?  Yep.  Perfect.  My heart feels funny.  This article is really good and I can completely relate to it.

I think I am having a panic attack.  What time is it?  Where am I?

I close my eyes and I am no longer in my home.  I open my eyes and I am.  So, I am not blacking out, hallucinating, etc.  This must be a memory.  So, I close my eyes again and I realize I am in my grandmother's old house.  I am about 6 years old and I am playing in the spare bedroom that no one goes in too often.  It smells kind of dusty.  I am laying on a bed on my stomach playing with some old toys my dad used to play with when he was a kid.  She saved almost all of the toys.  The toys were some army toys, a bunch of minature telephones and one large rotary phone.  It was a marigold like color.  One of the little phones was baby blue (wow I just remembered that).

::I am the oldest female in the new generation of family members.  My cousin, he, is the oldest::

As I play with my toys I realize that I am not alone.  We are playing together.  It's fun.  We are talking into the little phones and then hanging up and answering a different one.  We are giggling.  After all, I am only 6 and he is 9 (I think) maybe 10 or 11. 

Our family was in the kitchen cooking...we are Italian so that means 9 people crammed into a tiny kitchen arguing while then men watch football.

Next, he suggests this weird game that I vaguely remember.  Something about answering the phone and if I answer the one that he was thinking of I win.  The prize was a kiss.  "OK," I said.  After all, I have seen family members do that so big deal.  Right?  Well finally I win...or something...my memory is a blur.  He leans in and gives me a kiss.  I turn my cheek for a family friendly kiss on the cheek.

Ummmm....yeah....that wasn't the plan and this is where the following gets really difficult to share (in fact, this is the 14th hour and 3 panic attacks since I began typing).

He leaned his head in and kissed me on the mouth.  I giggled uncomfortably and was urged to keep on playing.  The door was closed.  The game continued.  The roles were changed and I was asked to kiss him.  Again, I went for the cheek (remembr I am 6 and I don't quite know what is "appropriate").  He turned his head and lightly grabbed the back of mine.  His lips were wet.  He kissed me again and again.  No tounge.  Then we go back to being silly and playing the game.  Only this time the large telephone was incorporated into the game.  More kissing.  I push back.  I feel uncomfortable...

The following is a bit explicit.  Also, I am not quite sure what sparked this.

He became angry with me and told me that I made him sad and disappointed.  Then....he reached for the large phone......grabbed the handle and simultaneously (firmly) placed me on my back.....opened my legs slightly and started ramming me in the crotch with the phone...multiple times...he told me I liked it....it was brief and then it finally ended...I didn't yell because he told me I liked it.  Why?  WHY? Why did I like this? 

He left the room and told me to clean up my toys.  I did.  I was NOT the perfect kid but I knew my parents would be upset with me if I didn't clean up my toys.  I had a few tears in my eyes; however, the confusion superseded all other emotion.  Why my crotch?  Hmmmm...other than going potty, I don't quite understand the purpose of my crotch.  That kissing thing was really odd.  I want to tell someone.  I see married people kiss on the lips but not kids....

"Mommy...Daddy...." (later that evening in private) "My cousin kissed me." I said.  "Awww...how nice dear...he loves you." mom said.  "Is that why it was on the lips a lot?" I whimpered.  "What?!  NO.  I don't know what he was thinking...that's not right."  mom said.  ::Dad whispered:: "Don't freak out in front of her...it will scare her."  he said.  "Don't let that happen again!"  Mom yelled.

Great.  I did something wrong and they are mad at me.

After that, I didn't see him.  As the years progressed, an incident that just seemed odd at the time, the thoughts began to fade away.  However, when I was 14 and visiting my uncle, he was there for the summer.  I was spending the weekend with my uncle because my parents were having some adult time I suppose.  My cousin immediately had a sparkle in his eye.  By that time, I was developed and beginning to look like a woman.  The second we were alone he grabbed a magazine and opened it up to a page with a bunch of submissive girls on their knees, stuff on their face, and a penis.  He asked me if I had started giving boys my age blow jobs yet and if I liked it. (I was cornered and this happened very quickly).  I walked away and told him to leave me alone.  "I am not about to talk about this bullshit with my cousin." 

A few hours later when I was alone again gettig ready in the guest room for the family to go somewhere.  I heard some rap music.  I'm not against any type of music.  I just had never heard that song before.  I stepped outside of the guest room and he was listening to some hardcore song about blow jobs and he was rubbing and massaging his crotch...I immediately turned for the bathroom and vomitted...he got the picture....and stayed away from me.  He has continued to not contact me for the rest of my life...thank GOD.

NOW:  I knew that he had tried to kiss me and I thought he was a weirdo.  That was the only "imprint" left in my mind.  Last night, I was reading an article about how self mutilation sometimes stems from childhood molestation, trauma, or any other abuse.  I truly thought that my PTSD began with some horrible experiences I had when I was a late teen.  I had no idea that this entire scenario had occured.  LITERALLY, my brain spewed these thoughts out like an explosive.  I couldn't stop it.  It was like my brain said, "WAIT you need to know the whole story for once in your life."

I am in absolute shock.  I was completely incapacitated today.  I am not quite sure where to go from here.  I am very thankful that this memory triggered when I was at home and not alone.  We were able to take all the sharp objects out of the house and properly medicate me.  Afterwards, my wife hid all of the medication.  She did agree to leave me a few extra xanax, which is a first, but she knew immediately that this was the most devastating realization in my life.  I was sodomized until I bled by a yellow rotary phone.  There really is no point in pressing charges 21 years later, or even upsetting my parents.  It is what it is.  Maybe this acknowledgement of when the abuse began will help me move forward and maybe it won't.  I have NO IDEA where to go from here except for the obvious...therapy.  Now, I will be honest.  I should probably be comitted after this trigger.  I have not been able to control my breathing since I woke up this morning and I am freaking out but I am not suicidal.  I have asked myself all day if I should commit myself again or not.  As it stands right now, I am going to sleep on it, I guess.  I literally keep seeing that phone everywhere I go.  It is in every room.  If I close my eyes, I see the phone.  I can't escape it.  Thank GOD cell phones don't look like rotary phones (lol).  Otherwise I would be attacking everyone and their phones. 

I went through EMDR if you have ever heard of it, you know that lasts about a year and you are supposed to go back to where it all began.  Unfortunately, the trauma began before I remembered.  Obviously EMDR did not work for me even though it works for a lot of people.

Man, I can't shake this.  I am literally devastated right now!

In closing, I hope this helps someone and I hope this helps me cope too.  All I am able to do is invest in is hope at this point.

100% truthfully yours,

Truthaboutcrazy

Warning: Bodily Fluids, Suicide, and Jesus

I like purple.  I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...

I'm in a suit.  I am ready for the day.  I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door.  Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in.  I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump.  I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car!  If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November?  I hate the cold.  Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!

(Driving and performing my exact ritual.  Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)

 Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all.  Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.

I decide its time.  Time to end it all.  I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan.  I open the car door and vomit.  I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed. 

I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!

Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies)  I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater).  I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot.  A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!

OMG answered.  I shall elaborate.  As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened.  I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."

GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs. 

OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:  I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral.  I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."

I went anyway.  So weird.  I just went.  I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet.  BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office.  We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation.  IT WAS AMAZING.  I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.

One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life.  A few reasons why:

A Strange Discovery

I have so many questions...Don't you?

Over the weekend I discovered a very odd contributor to my EXTREME anxiety...

Insomnia - OK, on the surface we all know it means you can't sleep.  I do not think I have insomnia and I also do not think that there is a name for this cluster of crap.  This is a good thing if you ask my partner because I am a hypocondriac and I can't give myself another "disease" so yay for you, dear. <insert actual LOL>

Here it goes:

• I am afraid to go to sleep.  A lot of people are because they are afraid of dying...this is not what I am afraid of.
• I have certain "rituals" I have to do before I go to sleep.  "Rituals" I have never heard of someone with OCD experiencing.
• Rituals:
• Watching something funny, something dangerous, something about criminals, and possibly more stories about murderers, sociopaths, molesters, etc. During this time I take 2mg of Xanex to relax and prepare for sleep...it usually mellows me out but thats about it.
• Walking around the kitchen thinking about food...sometimes eating it...sometimes not...if I eat it is followed by a period of shame because since I started night eating I have added an extra 15lbs to last years 15lbs from other issues...then I cry because my clothes don't fit.
• Then I freak out about money.  I don't have a job or health insurance so I look for jobs about 2 hours a night which does not include 2-4 hours of job searching during the day.
• After I look for a job I have to play a game, read an excellent article, or watch a movie to prevent panic...I have had several panic attacks FALLING asleep not just DURING...I looked it up...not so much on the whole FALLING asleep panic stuff.
• I take 50mg of trazadone and a bennadryl...while it kicks in I, for exactly 20 minutes, think about HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE TOMORROW!  

This I "THINK" caused it:

• Unemployment and the horrible experience with my previous employer has destroyed me after I thought I was already destroyed in 2008 when I was diagnosed...turns out, I was successful (duh!) just a bit "troubled."
• No health insurance for the GAYS.  BUT GET THIS SHIT!!!  Since I live with her I can't get any type of government assistance!  My son's father is on government assistance because he is LYING and cannot insure my kid.  ::DAGGER TO MY HEART::
• Disability takes to long to "qualify" for and they won't expedite people even if they have been strapped to a gurny hallucinating from mental anguish...ok so this bullet point will be called the crappy government rant....to be continued.........

The RAW truth is that, not only do I have a craving to cut myself, I fantasize about becoming catatonic...its one of those non-selfish cravings if you get what I'm saying...I just don't want to use my voice or move or function...did I mention I am a singer and all around performer...yeah complete contrast...

So, again, I am A. Afraid to sleep B. Obsessed with my rituals C. I don't want tomorrow to come because THERE IS NO POINT.

I am so glad I have my son but sometimes I even want him to go away TERIBBLE!!!!!!!!  I just wish this would stop.  I applied for 19 jobs today...so hopefully that will help but at the same time it has delayed the rituals and I hope I can fall asleep before 3. 

Outburst:  DAMMIT I went to College and I have so much work experience!!!!!!!  I will be damned if I have to start all over again!!!!!!!!  kjgaornhgoaiern;WEKJGF!!!!!!!!

p.s. Dr. "I" increased my Lamictol to 400 mg a day so hopefully I can calm the BLEEP down.

Ridiculous Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy