A Strange Discovery

I have so many questions...Don't you?

Over the weekend I discovered a very odd contributor to my EXTREME anxiety...

Insomnia - OK, on the surface we all know it means you can't sleep.  I do not think I have insomnia and I also do not think that there is a name for this cluster of crap.  This is a good thing if you ask my partner because I am a hypocondriac and I can't give myself another "disease" so yay for you, dear. <insert actual LOL>

Here it goes:

• I am afraid to go to sleep.  A lot of people are because they are afraid of dying...this is not what I am afraid of.
• I have certain "rituals" I have to do before I go to sleep.  "Rituals" I have never heard of someone with OCD experiencing.
• Rituals:
• Watching something funny, something dangerous, something about criminals, and possibly more stories about murderers, sociopaths, molesters, etc. During this time I take 2mg of Xanex to relax and prepare for sleep...it usually mellows me out but thats about it.
• Walking around the kitchen thinking about food...sometimes eating it...sometimes not...if I eat it is followed by a period of shame because since I started night eating I have added an extra 15lbs to last years 15lbs from other issues...then I cry because my clothes don't fit.
• Then I freak out about money.  I don't have a job or health insurance so I look for jobs about 2 hours a night which does not include 2-4 hours of job searching during the day.
• After I look for a job I have to play a game, read an excellent article, or watch a movie to prevent panic...I have had several panic attacks FALLING asleep not just DURING...I looked it up...not so much on the whole FALLING asleep panic stuff.
• I take 50mg of trazadone and a bennadryl...while it kicks in I, for exactly 20 minutes, think about HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE TOMORROW!  

This I "THINK" caused it:

• Unemployment and the horrible experience with my previous employer has destroyed me after I thought I was already destroyed in 2008 when I was diagnosed...turns out, I was successful (duh!) just a bit "troubled."
• No health insurance for the GAYS.  BUT GET THIS SHIT!!!  Since I live with her I can't get any type of government assistance!  My son's father is on government assistance because he is LYING and cannot insure my kid.  ::DAGGER TO MY HEART::
• Disability takes to long to "qualify" for and they won't expedite people even if they have been strapped to a gurny hallucinating from mental anguish...ok so this bullet point will be called the crappy government rant....to be continued.........

The RAW truth is that, not only do I have a craving to cut myself, I fantasize about becoming catatonic...its one of those non-selfish cravings if you get what I'm saying...I just don't want to use my voice or move or function...did I mention I am a singer and all around performer...yeah complete contrast...

So, again, I am A. Afraid to sleep B. Obsessed with my rituals C. I don't want tomorrow to come because THERE IS NO POINT.

I am so glad I have my son but sometimes I even want him to go away TERIBBLE!!!!!!!!  I just wish this would stop.  I applied for 19 jobs today...so hopefully that will help but at the same time it has delayed the rituals and I hope I can fall asleep before 3. 

Outburst:  DAMMIT I went to College and I have so much work experience!!!!!!!  I will be damned if I have to start all over again!!!!!!!!  kjgaornhgoaiern;WEKJGF!!!!!!!!

p.s. Dr. "I" increased my Lamictol to 400 mg a day so hopefully I can calm the BLEEP down.

Ridiculous Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy

psy·cho·sis

Psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

The first time this occurs it may be referred to as a "psychotic break."  If it happens again it is eventually referred to as psychosis.

Sooooooooo...........

I am in what I would like to call a "psychosis haze" right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone (unless it is electronically) and I am back to eating more than my stomach can hold in order to avoid cutting.  I snapped about 36 hours ago...I knew it was coming because my insomnia has been back for quite some time and my mania has been full throttle and my low moments have been absolute darkness.  I am completely drugged at the moment...but....with a twist.

The following has medicinally occured today.......

• 9 Xanex (I have passed out on 27 before so...whatever...I know I'm wrong...no need for a lecture)
• 3 Benadryl (it adds a little kick to the X
• 2 glasses of cherry diet dr. pepper with a splash of vodka...I then took a nap
• Woke up and took 1 Tylenol PM, 1 Benadryl, and 1 Xanex

So...to the hardcore pill popper...not to horrifying, but this is typical for me when psychosis sets in.  On a normal day I only take 4mg of Xanex even tho the Dr. has prescribed 5mg per day.  I guess I am subconciously saving up for a rainy day...oh wait...it didn't rain today.

If I were in a full blown psychotic state I wouldn't be able to type this.  However, I find a strange solace in "blog land." 

Finally, everyone is pissed off at my "poor" behavior in the house.  I want to be alone for like 5 days but they are all worried I would slice myself open and unless I eat the rest of the kitchen I probably would.  I don't like the effects of Xanex, actually, it isn't very fun.  I find it to be extremely necessary but when I take a bit of cough syrup, allergy medicine, and top it off with a sleeping pill I can get through like 6 hours completely numb and productive....sigh....next week I will be bitching on here about how manic I am and some new diet craze. 

I feel my buzz wearing off....

So, AGAIN, it takes 5 seconds to create a user name...SHARE your experiences, fears, and ideas with me!

Maniacle Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy