The Burning Question

A lot of people ask about my past and present experiences with "cutting."  I know it is a scary topic so I typically change the subject.  As I said in my first blog...I am not holding back on anything.  It would be impossible to relate or to share common experiences with the people that I inform or share the same pain with unless I put it all out there.

Most of the blogs that people tell me to read about are stories about perfect lives doing perfect things blah blah blah.  You are going to get a lot of stomach turning, crazed, shit here, my friend.

Past:  The rush!  All of a sudden my heart stops hurting and the pain is transferred to my torn flesh.  Bones are bruised and I begin to grin as my tears shoot out of my eyes like a machine gun.  The creepy giggle!  As I rapidly glide the blade down the area of choice.  Slowly I notice the glide has turn into violent slams.  The rage!  I am attacking the people that hurt me AND attacking the people I love. I leave my body and at this point I am watching.  I mean, I would feel it if it were actually happening right?  Nope, I have become numb.

Present:  Knowledge of all of the previous mentioned.  Just as any other addict I count to see how long I can go without doing it again.  I hate scars because I want to be that girl everyone says is "sexy."  I contemplate re-opening the wounds that have already become scars.  When I relapse, it gets harder to look at each time.  I whisper under my breath, "I'm a horrible mother...no one loves me, they just worry about me...I am a bad wife."...and for some reason I also chant, "I'm a bad housekeeper." 

So this is the crap I get asked...

Why do you do it?  It morbidly amuses me.  I justify it until it sounds comepletely normal!  I have a lot of hate that I hide on the inside.  I have NO PATIENCE.  I am completely self-centered, and last but not least it is a transfer of PTSD and prevents my panic attacks from an ANXIETY DISORDER.

Still confused by my answer...especially the last one?  Sorry, dude, I guess you can go to a forum and read about other people then...

Here is the sick part...I am a bubbly and happy person.  Very outgoing.  I don't know why I have this weird internal anger.  I don't know why I am selfish.  I don't know why I demand things from the people I love.  If any of you have insight or CAN RELATE.  Please COMMENT!

Bloody Regards,

Truthaboutcrazy