Beyond Irrational...maybe.

I think I totally figured it out and I kinda understand why people don't "off" themselves due to the following reason:

I have a beautiful child who has been exposed to my emotional trauma BUT, he has experienced heart wrenching trauma regarding his father including violence, drugs, etc. ...which is why I don't let him see him anymore.

With that said, I was never able to go through with "it" until I had a super, mega, realization.  "Take him" too. 

(I have to be careful on how I word this because this blog may disappear)

Anyways, what if I finally went through with it and included him on the plan.  I would rot in hell (I will anyways for being gay) and he would be free from all of the pain that has been inflicted on him.  Morbid, but excellent.  This is freaking you out...I can feel it.

Does it cross your mind when you are driving that it will be just that easy?  I know it has...don't lie.

I miss cutting...It is totally not fair that I have to pretend the urges are gone because they aren't.  I am tired of people telling me they are worried about me and then saying, "I'm not a coddler."  I'm not asking for that!  Now give me back the sharp object please!  Everyone just wants to use my son as a pawn to not hurt, be sad, etc.  What does he have to do with my brain.  I effing love him more than anything on this planet but there is a wall I have to climb to get to him.  He knows it and I know it.  He knows I am "sick" and just doesn't understand the "why" BUT he understands patience more than anyone else!  Those thoughts alone make me want to give in.

Sacrificially yours,

Truthaboutcrazy