I like purple. I am wasting time right now....delaying the inevitable...eyes are burning...should be asleep...
I'm in a suit. I am ready for the day. I check myself in the mirror one last time, make a last decision on shoe choice, admire my perfectly placed jewelry, and I walk out the door. Everytime I touch the door handle my "hypocondrianism" kicks in. I'm ill, I can't breath, my leg hurts, lack of sleep will cause a car accident, this suit makes me fake, I bought the suit on clearance I'm not fake...just keep walking, my left breast hurts (stop) I need to check for a lump, I think I found a lump. I need to go to the Dr., Damn I have no health insurance until November, OMG get in the car! If you lose your job you will have NO health insurance in November, when is November? I hate the cold. Its still hot today, I need sunshine therapy...get in the effing car!
(Driving and performing my exact ritual. Sip drink, back out, turn up the radio to my favorite morning show, laugh and drive...)
Out of the blue I am struck with plans to end it all. Rapid cycling, plotting, pure evil.
I decide its time. Time to end it all. I pull over and make the plan, ok I have the plan. I open the car door and vomit. I get back into traffic and I call my best friend speaking such foreign gibberish even the BFF powers to interpret failed.
I soil my pants...and piddle a bit too...it's bad...I'm not a damn poodle!
Hysterical I tell her about job difficulties and only current thoughts (nothing from the past that contributed to my deathly tendancies) I freak out and pull into an Arabic or Islamic type church (not sure, not an expert, not a hater). I end the call on a "happy note" and proceed to the back of the lot. A dark shaded area tucked away in thick brush is my choice location to "take care of business...Glad I already went potty on myself since that happens when you die anyway...OMG why am I thinking this!
OMG answered. I shall elaborate. As my final moment presented itself, my heart awakened. I didn't see a light or hear a voice I had a "thought."
GO NOW to the really awesome non-denominational church that loves everyone and coincides so closely with my oddly logical spiritual beliefs.
OK SO LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: I do not attend church unless its a wedding or a funeral. I am a "gay for god" and not too many people like that here in the "south."
I went anyway. So weird. I just went. I ended up speaking with the arts and drama director of the church instead of the pastor because it was early and dude wasn't there yet. BUT this guy had the most bipolar insanely crazy, wonderful, odd, beautiful office. We spoke for two hours and I ALWAYS feel like people are judging me (Dr's, christians, co-workers, etc.) I finally had no appointment, no meds to discuss, no requirements, paperwork, just a VERY brutally honest conversation. IT WAS AMAZING. I don't think I am JESUS now, I don't think I "got fixed," but I want to see another day and not suffer another day.
One day at a time, one moment even, but I am glad that I want to breath in life. A few reasons why:
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